Do you believe that marriages are made in heaven?

Recently, I had the privilege to solemnize the marriage of a cross-cultural couple. Mark, a handsome Indian, born and raised in Austria with an Indian father and an Austrian mother and Jisoo, the beautiful bride, who has the look of a K-Pop star, is of Korean heritage.

Mark and Jisso, at the Solemnization Ceremony.

They met while working in Tokyo. After dating each other for some time, Jisoo decided that she had found the man who will share her love of Kimchi Jjigae for the rest of her life and Mark felt that he had found the one who will join and support him to go through life's adventures.

Recently, they came to work in Singapore and decided to make permanent their commitment to each other by entering into marriage. 

The Chinese often quote this phrase, 姻缘是天注定的, which means marriages are decided by heaven. To some, this seems to mean that a marriage is fated, since the gods have decided for the couple to be married.

I am pretty sure that there is an Indian and a Korean saying that has a similarly auspicious meaning.

The French had also been using this phrase, and from as early as the 16th century. They say, "les marriages au sont ciel," which commonly translates as marriages are made in heaven.

A little different from the Chinese, the French allured to the idea that marriage is more than just the physical & emotional union between a couple, there is a spiritual connection too. 

I agree wholeheartedly with this French idea.

Whether you believe in God or not, when you commit to another person in marriage, you have chosen to enter into a wholesome relationship with that person. Such a relationship does not only include the physical and emotional bonding of your body and soul, but also a spiritual bond.

Even in this 21st century when many couples take marital commitments more loosely than it was intended to be, surveys done by marriage experts, such as Dr Gary Rosberg show that "58% of the women, of over 700 couples surveyed, ranked Spiritual Intimacy as their top sex need" (Reference [1] below). 

A woman feels more secured and thus becomes more committed to support her husband, if he constantly connects with her spiritually.

Now, coming back to Mark and Jisoo, for whom I quoted "les marriages au sont ciel" in my short message during the solemnization, I told them that even if they believed that their marriage is made in heaven, they will have to work hard to make their marriage meaningful  and enjoyable, so as to fulfill their vows, which ended with "I vow to love you, until death do us part."

The reason that prompted this post was how Mark and Jisoo had demonstrated that they are committed to working hard to make their marriage better, and they did that right during the solemnization. While both articulated their vows to each other in English, so that I and the rest of the guests can understand and thus be their witnesses, Mark did a Korean version and Jisoo did a German version (which is Mark's mother tongue).

Mark and Jisoo clearly struggled reading out the vow in a language that they aren't familiar with. But in their actions, I can see how much effort they had put into learning another new language, just to say their vow in each other's mother tongue. I saw the delight in their parents' eyes when they heard the vows spoken in their native language. 

Before concluding the solemnization, I offered them two simple tips to grow build their Maximum Marriage:

Tip#1 -  Do not look to each other to be the Mr or Ms Right. Instead, be determined to be the right person for the other.

Tip#2 - Every morning when they wake up, deliberately think of what they can do that very day to please the person lying beside.

So, indeed, if you want to have a meaningful and enjoyable marriage, and move from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life, then work hard daily to please each other and grow your love for each other. Practice the two tips daily and I assure you that your marriage will grow stronger and stronger. 

Steven

Reference [1] - The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barbara Rosberg, page 115.

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I Lost the Thrill of Love for My Valentine Long Ago

As many couples prepare to celebrate Valentine’s Day, I want to confess that I have lost the thrill of love for my Valentine. I vaguely remember it to be around the 6^th year of our marriage, just after the birth of our second child. 

It had nothing to do with the infamous seven-year itch, but there were some similarities. 

I remember clearly thrills of love when I first dated Michelle and probably into the initial years of marriage. Those thrills came right from the day I decided to pursue her. It was the first time in my life that I was pursuing a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Moreover, she was indeed a very pretty and attractive young lady. Even the thought of her thrilled me then.

It gave me such highs to just hear her voice, to catch a glimpse of her pretty face and to be able to hold her hands. In the early years of marriage, the thrills of love came from our passionate and frequent lovemaking. My “love” for her was just insatiable.

Then it came! The change was gradual and subtle. It didn’t happen over a day, a month or even a year. Having dated her for more than 7 years, and then being married for more than six years probably was too long for the thrills to be sustained.

Looking back, Michelle and I are glad that it happened so early in our marriage.

Have we become simply functional as husband and wife? Are we holding on to our marriage for the sake of our children? Are we just waiting for the empty nest to come and then we can separate, as many couples do?

The truth is this - Michelle and I learned that the thrills of love did not and cannot truly satisfy us. While they gave us much excitement, excitement is neither the norm for marriage nor for life. While we have enjoyed much thrills of love with each other, they were not true love.

True love loves when there is no thrill, when the day is normal or even sub-normal in our marriage, when the children are difficult to manage, when you or your spouse is feeling down or angry for no good reason, or is unreasonable and making it difficult for you to show love.

If Michelle and I had depended on the thrills of love to keep our marriage going, we would have given up many times over - there were countless times one of us felt down and made ourselves unlovable and in that state, irritated each other so much.

Timothy Keller in “The Meaning of Marriage” described the relationship where one enjoys the marriage as long as he or she receives benefits but move on to another person when the spouse cannot offer the thrills of love anymore as a consumer relationship.

In the same vein, he described true love as a covenant relationship, in which one continues to love despite not feeling the love for, or being loved by your spouse, and even if your spouse does not seem to deserve your love.

This puts meaning to the vow which many couples make at their our wedding, which most commonly includes ….. “ for better or for worst, till death do us part.”

To me, this simply means that I have to love Michelle, even when she is unloving or unlovable. My love for Michelle must have nothing to do with her love for me.

You may be thinking out loud or even exclaiming, “Come on Steven, how can that be? How can l love someone who is not reciprocating my love and how can I love if I do not have feelings of love for him or her anymore?”

Well, this was what I vowed to Michelle on the day we married, and I must keep my word because that vow I made was unconditional. It was and still remains a covenant!

If you need a reference, then reflect on how Jesus Christ loved (and still loves) mankind with a love that has nothing to do with the love of men for Him. When He hung on the cross to die for our sins, He simply continued to love despite being rejected by those around him for whom He was dying. That  is exactly what covenant love is.

Truth be told that after knowing each other for more than 47 years, and in which 37 of those years were spent in close proximity, 24/7, as a couple, Michelle and I still have bad habits which many times make each other unlovable and even “ugly”.

Yet, we are still happily enjoying our relationship and are forging toward to become lovers for life. We attribute this to being serious about the vow we made to each other, before our parents, relatives, friends and more importantly, God our Heavenly Father.
 
My love for her has nothing to do with her love for me. And her love for me has nothing to do with my love for her. Our love for each other is based on a covenant we made before God. This is the only way to fulfill our “….. for better or for worst, till death do us part” vow.

I highly recommend that you let go of the thrills of love and begin to truly love each other.
So instead of wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day, may I wish you the wisdom and strength to love 
your spouse with a covenant love, and forge ahead to become lovers for life!

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Don't Believe Everything Your Spouse Says To You!

To keep a marriage glowing, you must not believe everything your spouse says to you.

With more than 35 years of marriage behind us, Michelle and I know that this is true. For as many times as we practiced this simple idea, we were always able to stay above challenges in our relationship.

Let me explain by first asking you this question:

"Have you ever been hurt by what your spouse said to you or about you?"

I bet that many of you have and some are still feeling sore over some of those incidents.

While I have always advocated for spouses to speak well of one another, Michelle and I still have not perfected our speech yet. Despite our good intention, we still fail occasionally, and usually when one or both of us are under stress or when we are fatigued.

When our emotions are weaker than usual, we become irritable, as well as irritating, and often times, we blurt out words without giving them proper thoughts. Such words come out of our mouth faster than they go through our brain, and so are usually not true. Yet such words have the potential to cause tremendous hurt.

Some examples are:

"You are so unreasonable."

"Why are you so lazy?"

"I am tired of having to put up with you."

"Can't you do better than that?"

"I hate what you have done!"

Do they sound familiar?

Let me share how Michelle and I prevent the escalation of such careless words from becoming feuds that cause hurts.

I decided to build a trusting relationship such that if any of those statements spoke truth of my shortcomings, Michelle will give me the confidence to admit it, ask for her forgiveness, and ask our God to help me to change for the better. I do the same for her.

However, if Michelle said any of those statements merely out of her frustrations or simply because of anger, then I would tell myself not to take offense nor feel hurt. Vice versa for her.

More often than not, couples react negatively and argue or offensively defend the accusations. They forget that at those moments, their spouse was already stressed up or angry, making it difficult to accept any reasoning. Such a reaction usually elicits another negative reaction. And a war erupts!

Under those circumstances, Michelle and I choose not to believe what was said and we resist the temptation to react impulsively. It took many years for us to do this right. But it works wonders for us and it will work for any couple in love. The result is worth all the determined effort you have to put in.

So I say, don't believe everything that your spouse says to you, especially in moments of stress or anger! Instead, believe that it was never his/her intention to hurt you. After all, those words may not even be true.

Giving the benefit of doubt to your spouse brings a fragrance of love. It will keep your love for each other burning strong and you will enjoy a marriage that glows.

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For more of such sharing, get a copy of Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!

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How to respect and "unrespectable" spouse?

I was a career Army officer for 15 years. Right from day 1 at Officer Cadet School, I was taught that respect must be earned. As a leader of men, I must demonstrate my aptitude (competence to lead) and attitude (passion to lead and compassion for those I lead) in order for them to respect me. In the same manner, I will respect one who demonstrate the same in return.

Dictionaries typically define respect as a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. 

This is typically how we understand and practice respect; we give it to someone who has shown great abilities, qualities or achievements. For example, we respect Singapore's founding father, Mr Lee Kuan Yew, for his wholehearted dedication, determination and wisdom to build Singapore. Similarly, we respect Mother Teresa for her unconditional love and sacrifice to the underprivileged. And the list can go on and on.

It all sounded so logical.

As I was totally sold on that belief, I brought it along into my marriage and family - respect must be earned.  I did the best I knew how to demonstrate my love and leadership to my family so that my wife and children would respect me. In return, I expected them to earn their respect from me by doing the same. I said, "I...."

Very shortly into the early years of my marriage, I found out that my belief wasn't working out for good.  In fact, it was causing problems between my wife and I because there were many times I struggled to respect her when she did not show "respectable" traits. We had a fair share of fights over what she must do to gain my respect (and love).

It became clear that the first definition of respect did not work for me - not in the context of family, at the very least and definitely not in a relationship that is meant to be built on love.

Most people often miss the dictionary's second definition for respect -  due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others. This is the definition of respect in the context of relationship building, which I was not taught in my Officer Cadet School days.

This type of respect has nothing to do with the ability, quality or achievement of the target person. We respect simply because we want to give due regard for him. For example, we respect our parents simply because they are our parents and we want to give due regard for their feeling and wishes.

In this context, then, which type of respect, should we accord to our spouse and children?

The answer seems obvious in theory but may not be as obvious in practice. It is a choice to be made. A serious choice indeed. Choosing one over the other, will greatly impact the marital and family relationship - you will have either an endearing relationship or one that needs lots of enduring!

I used to subscribe to the first definition and did all I knew to earn my wife's and children's respect. I expected them to do the same to earn my respect. I struggled with respecting them when their "attitude and doings" did not meet my expectation. Our relationship was not good then. How can it be good since respect was missing?

I am glad I decided to change my paradigm of respect - that regardless of their abilities or achievements, I want to deliberately give due regard for their feelings, wishes and rights.

I must say that it wasn't easy at the beginning and it still isn't easy today. Taking this decision requires me to give my rights so that my wife and children get the due regards. But I realized that I can "respect" them much more now than before. I realized that I am a better person as I practice this form of respect. I realized that I am more respectful of others as well. And I realize that my relationship with my wife and children and others have improved.

So, do you still think that you have an "unrespectable" spouse? If yes, consider changing your paradigm.

May I encourage you to join me in making a decision to give due regard to our spouse (and children) even if he/she is "unrespectable." It will pay off handsomely ....

Steven

Visit http://www.maximummarriage.net to check out my book.

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You Should Not Tolerate Your Spouse

 My wife and I discovered that tolerating each other neither helped us to grow nor strengthen our marriage. So, rather long  ago, we agreed not to tolerate each other. And we are glad we did that.

Let me explain why we made that decision using the Chinese characters representing “tolerance” – 忍.

Tolerance to the Chinese is depicted as having a knife (刀) pierced into a heart (心). Literally, it means to withstand the highest order of pain a human can ever experience, which happens when one’s heart is pierced or stabbed. Medical evidence suggests that most people who are stabbed in the heart (cardiac stab), usually die within minutes due to the lost of blood to the brain and other organs, or may die a little slower from cardiac tamponade, which is when fluid in the sac around the heart builds up and results in the compression of the heart. Some patients are saved through immediate intervention but most simply die.

Those of us who have tried to use tolerance in relationship matters may fall under the same statistics – some may make it but many certainly break it! This is the primal reason for my wife and I to decide to never tolerate each other.

Let me propose to you something far better to help grow and strengthen your marriage - acceptance. This is a key to strengthening the emotional intimacy with your spouse. To achieve a Maximum Marriage, the tool is to Accept All of Each Other.  All means all – the good and the bad traits. 

But what does this mean and how does one practice it? 

Again, I look to Chinese wisdom for help – acceptance is depicted by the words 接受. The first word, 接, means to receive, to connect, to continue. Interestingly, it is made up of 手（hand) on the left and 妾 (concubine) on the right. It seems to suggest to opening stretching one’s hand (the wife’s??) to receive, connect and continue life with the concubine in the family (purely my own interpretation). I can only imagine the emotional pain a wife has to endure when her husband brings in another woman in the family and calls her his concubine!

Continuing, 受 means to bear, to endure, to suffer – forbearance.

So, putting them together, 接受means to have a total willingness to receive, connect with, and to forbear for the sake of the relationship. This is the way to a Maximum Marriage – Accept All of Each Other! 

N. T. Wright, a leading British New Testament scholar, Pauline theologian, and retired Anglican bishop, aptly said, 

"Love is not just tolerance. It's not just distant appreciation.

It's a warm sense of, 'I am enjoying the fact that you are you."

So I urge you to agree with your spouse to stop tolerating each other and to start accepting all of each other. And you will be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

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Minions' Two Golden Rules for A Happy Marriage

In researching and preparing for the last Lovers' Retreat two weeks ago, I found this funny notice.

These cannot be serious or realistic rules that any couple should live by. It sounds like a conspiracy of the Women's Lib Movement.  Pass it on? No way!

We are humans and humans have our basic rights. If we do not guard our rights, they would be taken away. So how can any men ever accept that their wife is always right? Especially when she may be wrong, sometimes? 

These rules are only meant for Minions in their cartoon world .... or is it?

Truth be told, I did give those rules some serious thoughts after the retreat. The more I thought about them, the more I begin to believe that they aren't totally out of place. In fact, with a little tweak, they can become a strong foundation for every couple who wants to have a Maximum Marriage. 

It is a small but crucial tweak, which changes the rules to these:

1.  Your spouse is always right.

2.  When you feel that he/she is wrong

slap yourself and 

read rule number 1 again.

These rules work especially well when differences and conflicts rear their ugly heads in our marital relationship. Our pride and ego, more often than not, urge us to go all out to win arguments and establish superiority over our spouse and by so doing, secure the position that confirms that we are right. Those actions usually lead to more arguments and loud quarrels or silent cold wars between spouses. And finally, the winner is ...... no one. But the losers are the couple and perhaps their children.

Every one who wants to have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage must learn to accept that life is not about always being right, I emphasize the word in italics because all too often being right merely means that we want to exert our rights. It is my right to be right!! We forget that fighting to be right,  even if we were right in the first place, does nothing positive to build our marriage. From the experiences of many couples, losing small individual battles can eventually win the war for the couple.

This is where  Minions' Two Golden (Tweaked) Rules will work to strengthen a marriage. Whenever a difference acts up or a potential conflict begins brewing, it does well for both parties to accept that their spouse is always right. If we forget rule #1, the we must slap our self and read rule #1 again. 

I am not advocating that accepting that our spouse is right at that moment means that there is no possibility that he or she is wrong. I am clearly saying that these rules help us to stand on a solid foundation to manage the conflict. This starting position dissipates the heat and anger of that moment. It retards and stops negative feelings building up in our head and heart. Further more, it stops cynical and critical words from firing off our mouth. This is a great combat quencher and almost always stops conflicts from becoming a war. It allows one or both parties to cool down and think rationally at the problem instead of simply being angry at their spouse. When heads are cool and hearts are soft, then, the couple can use conflict management steps to effectively resolve their differences.

So, Minion's Golden Rules to A Happy Marriage do work for humans ... provided both the spouses apply them equally.

Start applying and be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

God bless.

Steven

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I did not marry the right person

Singapore's National Population and Talent Division just released their findings from the latest Parenthood and Marriage Survey 2017. One of the key findings shows that the reason why 74% of the almost 3000 single respondents are not dating seriously, that is with the intention to marry, is that  "I have not met a suitable partner yet."

These people are looking for their "Mr" and "Ms Right." They are looking to find one by dating different prospective partners. And none of them have not been successful and hence, not ready to marry.

When Michelle and I fell in love more than 40 years ago, I sincerely thought I had found Ms Right.  In fact, for her 18th birthday, I handcrafted her a gift which had her photograph and these words,

Michelle,

All this time I've been waiting,

For someone just like you,

To step into my life ....

I was mesmerized by and totally enchanted with Michelle; everything she was made me feel that I had found the right person to be my life partner. I had fallen head over heels for her. 

That feeling lasted for a few more years into our marriage. Then I realized that I did not marry the right person.

This may seem to be a shocking confession? But it was true.

As a pair of newly-weds, we began to notice certain behaviors, habits and even character traits that did not show up while we were dating. On hindsight, they did, but we were so madly in love that it didn't matter. But when we live in close proximity, 24/7 and day after day, my idea of her being the Ms Right was challenged frequently. In the same vein, she also experienced many of my habits and traits that she didn't like as much. Cracks in our romanticized relationship began to appear and  challenged us even more as the days passed by.

Then, by God's grace, we finally realized that our expectation of each other to be the right person to marry was absolutely wrong. We found out that no "right" person would marry either me or her. The reason is simple. I have many flaws. Michelle too. Neither of us can be the right person. Now isn't it correct to conclude that Mr Right will only marry Ms Right and vice versa?

As the years and experiences tempered us, we grew stronger in love along with the flaws, bad habits and all. The most significant change came when we stopped expecting each other to be the suitable partner and started to be the right person to each other. That revelation and constant practice to accept all of each other became our booster rocket, firing and sending our relationship to greater heights of love.

For people who are looking to marry a suitable partner, the bigger issue is the notion that they can find a suitable partner, instead of being one. So, when they finally find one and marry, they continue to expect that of the partner into their marriage. They will eventually be disappointed. When that happens, they decide to give up and look for another "suitable" person to replace the previous "mistake" they made.

On the other hand, if they were to focus to be the suitable one to their spouse, the marriage will certainly grow stronger. And they can have an enjoyable and significant relationship for the rest of their life. 

So, in spite of not marrying the right person, Michelle and I are enjoying our marriage, which is going to pass 35 years in a couple of months.  

Be the right person to each other. Such is the path towards a Maximum Marriage.

For more of such sharing, check out my book "Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!"

God bless.

Steven

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If I could choose again, who would I marry?

A couple of days ago, I was at Asia Square, one of Singapore's most modern financial centers. A few thousand people work in that two high-rise buildings. 

In between meetings, I had a lunch break by myself. It was the busiest time of the day and there were probably a thousand people eating at the huge Food Garden. By chance, I had a seat which was located just in front of the escalator coming up from level 1. 

I love people watching. So while I enjoyed my garlic nun and Indian biryani rice set, I took the opportunity to observe the myriad faces that passed me by.  I saw men, women, tall ones, short ones, well-built and slim ones, cherry-faced and stressed-looking ones, and people from different countries and races. I must have observed at least 200 faces in 45 minutes.

In between munching and watching, an interesting thought came to my mind .... "If I could choose all over again, which one or type of woman would I choose to be my wife?" I entertained the thought in the context of exercising my belief in Maximum Marriage. I know I am risking it but I also know that I am risking it for my readers; well, it is really a justification to go on that mind excursion.

And so I looked more intensely and turned my focus on to the females while filtering the men from my lenses. I wanted to look deeper and beyond the physiques. I tried to profile each one. It was wishful thinking as I tried to imagine which of the women I observed might be my suitable companion ... it was pure imagination. Still my imagination had criteria for the person to meet. I looked and speculated. Some were pretty attractive on the outside. Others seemed to exude charm from within. And there those who just did not quite attract me at all, not that they weren't good looking, it is just that I felt no chemistry at first sight.

I must confess that I had quite an enjoyable time looking at all those ladies. But at the end of my mental excursion, I concluded that, as attractive and charming as many were, none could fit my criteria to be my companion and lover for life. The reason is that by my standards, not one came close to Michelle, my lover of more than 35 years. 

"How do you know? You don't even know them. You are simply speculating!" you may ask. 

And yes you are very right. I don't know and I am speculating. But think again, I will never know until I lived with one and for a long time. I would also be speculating if I thought that one of them could be a good choice for me. 

But one thing is for sure, Michelle and I have been together for over 40 years. We have been through the highs and lows of life. Neither of us is perfect. But in our imperfect self, God has ordained our marriage and He is in our midst. We believe then, that no one else can be better than who we already have now. This is one of our reason to want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life, come what may. This idea has helped us weather my storms and tempting thoughts through out marriage. This is the mindset that drives Michelle and I towards a Maximum Marriage.

So if I had to choose all over again, I will still choose Michelle, not because of who she is, but because I know that if God have given me the best companion ever .... anyone else is only second best! And I just have to live daily to be the best one for her too.

For more of such sharing, check out my book "Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!"

God bless.

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

You Can Have A Maximum Marriage

In my last blog, Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan, I promised to share how Michelle and I overcame challenges in our marriage of over 35 years, especially when we were caught in relationship storms.

We are no different from most, if not all, couples. There were many storms in our life and storms still blow on us.. Some storms were unexpected and came from external sources, and others were created by us when we became careless with each other. Either way, the storms blew and sometimes with lightnings and thunders. But thank God that over the years, Michelle and I became good students to handle the storms appropriately. 

The keywords are handle appropriately.

Our definition of handling storms appropriately is that the end result must be like the beautiful sky that breaks through after the storm blows over. In more realistic words, when we handled our storm appropriately, Michelle and I grew stronger in our relationship with each other. When we didn't, we lost time and suffered emotional pain.

This is what we found out. To handle storms appropriately, Michelle and I needed to have a bigger cause than just wanting to handle the storm itself. We needed to know why we want the storm to pass us. We needed to understand what that beautiful sky after the storm means to us. We needed a compelling reason to want to rough out the storm as a couple. In short, Michelle and I needed a vision for our marriage - the reason why we want to stay married to each other ...... a vision to move us from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life!

We found and agreed on why we want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life. In fact, we found our motivation in four parts:

 

1. Perfect Match - There is no one better for us than each other.

This reason touches upon a vital, spiritual part of our life: in our imperfect self, we believe that God has made us the perfect match for each other. Believing this means that Michelle and I agree that there is no one better to be each other’s life partner. We acknowledge this because of our imperfections, knowing we will not always live up to each other’s expectations. Yet, we know that no one else could do better. Remembering this reason gives us hope and strength to overcome our imperfect personalities, as well as the pains and troubles that come during difficult times in our relationship.

2. Love - We truly love each other and want to grow old together.

When we planned on getting married to each other 35 years ago, our love for each other was the strongest reason we had (at the time). Discovering other reasons to remain married didn’t decrease the importance of that love. They actually made that love grow! Through both the good and the bad times during our marriage, we grew more in love with each other. Love is a powerful reason to stay together.

3. Effective Ministry - As a couple, we can better serve God’s master plan to bring people into a love relationship with Him.

It wasn’t something we had talked about, but Michelle and I grew into this reason: using our marriage as a ministry for our Creator. As Christian believers, we are both extremely grateful to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from death. Because He first loved us, we also want to love others. Having a common and unified heart of service for God, increased our love for each other. As we serve our Creator together, we are bound by His love. Anyone who experiences His love cannot help but love too. As we allow God’s love to flow through us, we enjoy pouring out our lives for others.

4. God’s Idea - God is even more committed to our relationship than we are!

We acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union together – God, Michelle, and I. And, surely what God has joined together, no man can separate. We decided that, for us, divorce is not and can never be an option. Despite all the ills of the world, this reason, that is, marriage is God’s idea, keeps us determined to become better lovers. It also allows us to overcome our disagreements and motivates us to live a life that honors the Creator. Because He loves, we love! We are motivated to look beyond each other’s failures, selfishness, and bad habits for a greater cause—God’s love and His design for marriage. Having His big picture clearly etched into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more.

These four reasons help us grow in our relationship. Remembering them has helped Michelle and I stay true to each other and happily married, despite challenging times. We constantly remind each other by declaring these reasons verbally.

We want to live our the rest of our life together as lovers! We want to have a Maximum Marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that is fun, enjoyable, meaningful, significant and fulfilling what our Creator has set for us to be and do. We are not there yet, but the journey is getting more enjoyable each day for us, even when the storm comes. We are definitely on our way to have our Maximum Marriage.

I have just launched a book this week (25 April). Guess what is the title?
 
Yes, it is Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life. What you read above is an extract from the book. Check it out! To buy copies, send an email to enquiries@maximummarriage.net

Come and join Michelle and I on a journey to your Maximum Marriage. You can!

God bless.

Steven



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The Importance Of Investing In Each Other

For almost 10 years now, we planned on going for a cruise holiday. Michelle and I finally did it. We spent 3 weeks of May on a cruise liner, sailing through the Baltic Sea and exploring the Nordic States, St Petersburg and Amsterdam.

Before we signed up for our maiden cruise, some people warned that not everyone could enjoy a cruise holiday, especially when it is a long one. Others remarked that we would be bored with each other with so many days at sea. I am glad that all those dreadful “warnings” did not stop us from signing up.

The sun setting over the Baltic Sea, at 10.30pm

And what is our verdict of a cruise holiday? It was an amazing time for Michelle and I. We had a wonderful time, not just enjoying the journey but more significantly, enjoying each other's company over so many days. We didn't want to it to end ....

During our time on board the ship, we made friends with many couples. It was not difficult to strike up conversations with them over meals, coffee time and during shore excursions. All those "veterans of cruises" had something in common - they were on the cruise by themselves and have been married for more than 35 years (to the same person, of course). Some of them said that they have been on more than 15 cruises together over the years and they loved them all.

All of these couples said that they were simply enjoying their private time together after many years of building their career and family. More importantly, they said that it was not about enjoying a holiday or the luxury of the cruise ship, but was about being able to enjoy life with each other!

The magnificent fountains of Peterhof, St Petersburg

Similarly, Michelle and I spent hours daily enjoying the shore excursions visiting ancient towns, beautiful cathedrals and opulent palaces from Estonia to St Petersburg (The Peterhorf Palace was truly magnificent). We drank vodka at the Ice Bar in Finland and walked the streets of historical cities of Germany, Denmark and Sweden. During sea days, we danced, listened to lectures on the history of the countries we would visit, chit chatted, watched the nightly live shows, drank lots of coffee and tea, spent hours over romantic dinners and in each other’s embrace night after night. There was no time for boredom because we enjoyed each of those activities together. In essence, we were able to enjoy because we enjoy each other’s company more than anything else.

What has it got to do with Investing In Each Other?  Everything!

Tulips in bloom at Keukenhof, Amsterdam

We, like the many other veteran cruise couples, have chosen to invest in our marriage during the years when we were building career, wealth and family.  While working hard, we did not neglect our relationship with each other. We spent time to plough and fertilize our emotional intimacy, regularly watered and fueled our sexual intimacy and more importantly prune our spiritual relationship together. After many years working at building our relationship, I can vouch that there is no other way than to invest love, time and effort in each other to reach this blissful state of relationship.

Some of our "investments" activities included:

• Having regular dates throughout our marriage.
• Accepting each other, especially the flaws. 
• Looking out for good and positive things to say to each other.
• Speaking well of each other, especially in front of our children and others.
• Being there for the other to cry on and to laugh with.
• Giving each other the highest priority, even over our children.  

You may not be planning a cruise holiday soon. You may not be experiencing a totally enjoyable relationship with your spouse yet. It is never too late to start. Invest your love, time and effort to build your relationship with each other. As you keep at doing it,  you will begin to enjoy life because you will learn to enjoy each other, more than any of the activities and material things.

Start your transformation from being husband and wife to be lovers for life. Start by investing in each other.

Be a better lover, today!

Steven

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The Undeniability of Denial

My daughter sent me a video with this question for me, "Married men: Do you agree with this video?"

Let me post this same question to you, men and women alike. But first, let's watch the video ....

It happens to many couples some of the time, and to some couples, this happens most of the time.

Since it is not about the nail, then what is it really about?

Is it about the man not being empathetic or about the woman's stubbornness?

Or is it about the right way to communicate? Conflict resolution? Denial of fact? Or denial of denial?

What do you say?

I responded to my daughter; with 33 years of marital experience behind me, I do not necessarily agree with the simple suggestion that it is not about the nail.  My wife and I do have such conversations, but very rarely in recent years compared to the early days of our marriage. We have made significant progress and have found ways to handle such conversations well enough that they not get their airtime with us anymore.

We realized that, truly, it is about the nail and much more than that.

I have identified the following lessons that we have learned in our journey. I hope that that you can benefit from our experience:

1.  Be aware of gender differences.

• Man naturally gravitates towards logic while woman are mostly emotionally inclined.

• Man wants to, and assume that he is expected to solve the problem. Woman just want to be listened to.

• So, be conscious of this and then give leeway to your spouse when having difficult conversations.

2. There must be connection before any correction can be effective.

• Em-pathetically agree with you spouse - be the attentive listener first. It soothes the troubled soul.

• Find the right time to point out the fact (the nail...) It may well be another day. Your spouse be so distressed that he or she merely needs a shoulder to cry on, an ear who would listen, and a body that gives an assuring embrace.

• Seek to understand before expecting to be understood. It is not about your view nor your spouse's view. It must be about how both of you can move closer in love even in the difficult situation.

3. Eliminate obstacles to a good relationship.

• Denial is an obstacle to change. Learn to accept facts. Be bold and honest to address your weakness and seek help.

• Facts may be facts but there is little use to mention them when your spouse is hurting and simply needing your assurance.

4. Deliberately loving each other.

• Accept each other fully, including differences.

• Conflict resolution is both a process and an art. So practice it regularly.

Now the question I have for you is this, "Do you agree?"

Steven


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There is a Third Party in Our Marriage

The first day of 2015 marks the start of the 33rd year of our marriage. Some say that 33 years is a long time to be married to the same person. Michelle and I think that we have not had enough of each other yet. Not that we are perfect - we still have our differences, but we are glad that we are still going steady in our relationship.

For each wedding anniversary in the last 10 years, I would give Michelle a bouquet of roses, the number of them always tallied with the number of years of our marriage. In the center of the bouquet would be a white rose, symbolizing that Michelle stood out amongst all others for me.

For this year, I presented her with another bouquet of roses, 30 red ones and 3 pink ones in the center. When Michelle received the bouquet, she was delighted. I asked her if she knew why it had 3 pink roses in the center instead of 1. She guessed but did not get the right answer. She thought they represented our 3 children. That was not what I had in mind.

The 3 pink roses represent the tripartite relationship we have in our marriage; Michelle, I and Our Heavenly Father. 33 years is a long time. Without a higher source of love, it would have been tough for us to still enjoy each other and being very much in love. We are so glad that we have this important and loving Third Party in our marriage. We absolutely believe that without His help, we couldn't and wouldn't have lasted so long. We are still imperfect human beings and in-spite of trying many times to change, some of our  bad habits and idiosyncrasies remain. While they irritated us during our early years of marriage, they don't irritate us any more. By His grace and strength, we have learned to accept them. If there would be a change, we consider it to be a bonus. If it remains, it is accepted, sometimes reluctantly, but nonetheless accepted.

My son once told me how he defined love, "It is doing something that I may not like to do but still doing it for the one I love." I thought that was really meaningful.

To love Michelle fully, there are times that I have to do what I may not like to do. It is the same for her too. We learned this from the Greatest Lover in the world - Jesus did not like to be separated from God as He hung on the cross for our sins, yet He did it for us because He loves us. That is love!

As Michelle and I step into our 33rd year of marriage, God gave us His words, "Do not be afraid..." Those were the same first words that the angels told the Mary at Jesus' empty tomb. Shortly after when Jesus met Mary, He said the same words to her, "Do not be afraid...."(Matthew 28:5,10).

I wish you a blessed new year and a year filled with intimate love with your spouse as you allow Abba Father to be the Third Party in your marriage. With His help, you will surely become better lovers!

Steven


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Don't treat your spouse as your equal!

Until the late 1950s, women were not treated as equal to men. Male supremacy had existed since time immemorial. The Women's Liberation Movement started in early '60s, basically with women demanding to be free from oppression and male supremacy. The movement's stated goals were to let women have freedom, equal opportunity and control over their lives. They wanted to be accorded with equality to men.

That movement succeeded and the ideology has made its permanence in our modern world. Many women have risen to lead in high level positions in the political, commercial, social and scientific arenas. 57 Russian, American and Chinese women have gone into space as astronauts. Women today work as hard and contribute as much as the men in the workforce. Nowadays, it is a woman's right to be treated as equal to man.


As one who advocates strong marriages, I don't agree that men should treat their wife as their equal.

I do not treat Michelle as my equal - I will NOT!

Treating her with equality in our early years of marriage did not produce good results for us.

Michelle and I labored through many situations where we were unhappy and dissatisfied with each other. Since I was treating her as my equal, I expected that she would respond with equality. She did not always do that. In the midst of some of those quarrels, we struggled to value each other and ended up fighting with derogatory thoughts of each other. Careless and hurting but untrue words were spoken and we had to deal with the pains of bearing and recovering from those words. 

Then I decided to look for help. I was desperate for someone to help Michelle and I rise above the immaturity and differences. After all, we loved each other.

I am glad I had a good friend, Paul, who even though was a bachelor all his life, knew truly what it takes to build a great marital relationship.

He said this to me, "Steven, if you want to live well with Michelle and enjoy your marriage, neither of you must have any selfish desires. Instead, agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help the other get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

Seeing that I was not exactly getting what he meant, he added,  "All that I am saying to you can be summarized like this - value Michelle more than you value yourself!"

That was as clear as it can be articulated. 

Looking back, I realized that for all those times when we quarreled or disagreed, we were basically fighting to defend or secure our "rights". Those actions did not add to valuing the other person more than our self. Exerting and demanding to have our rights are really selfish actions.

So if I have to value Michelle more than I value myself, how can I ever treat her as my equal? 

Instead, I must treat her as more than my equal, that is, to treat her as one whom I must always hold in higher esteem than myself. She must be the one whom I want to please and give of the best in me, the one for whom I will be willing to sacrifice my life for.

This principle is rather easy to articulate but can be very difficult to execute. It takes lots of practice to get better. It takes perseverance and unwavering belief too.

Along the way, I learned another practical idea. 

If I wanted to be treated as a king, I must treat Michelle as a queen. And if Michelle wanted to be treated as a queen, then she must do all she can to make me a king. We can do this only if we value each other more than our self.

Michelle and I do not treat each other with equality anymore. She is a Queen to me, and I am her King. Through perseverance and practice, we now value and hold each other in higher esteem than our self. It is now part of us to want to please the other more and more. And that is why we are truly enjoying our marriage more than ever.

My sincere advice for those who want to have a blissful and enjoyable marriage is this - Do not treat your spouse as your equal. Value him or her more than yourself!

Doing just that will make you a better lover right away.

Steven


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