Do you believe that marriages are made in heaven?

Recently, I had the privilege to solemnize the marriage of a cross-cultural couple. Mark, a handsome Indian, born and raised in Austria with an Indian father and an Austrian mother and Jisoo, the beautiful bride, who has the look of a K-Pop star, is of Korean heritage.

Mark and Jisso, at the Solemnization Ceremony.

They met while working in Tokyo. After dating each other for some time, Jisoo decided that she had found the man who will share her love of Kimchi Jjigae for the rest of her life and Mark felt that he had found the one who will join and support him to go through life's adventures.

Recently, they came to work in Singapore and decided to make permanent their commitment to each other by entering into marriage. 

The Chinese often quote this phrase, 姻缘是天注定的, which means marriages are decided by heaven. To some, this seems to mean that a marriage is fated, since the gods have decided for the couple to be married.

I am pretty sure that there is an Indian and a Korean saying that has a similarly auspicious meaning.

The French had also been using this phrase, and from as early as the 16th century. They say, "les marriages au sont ciel," which commonly translates as marriages are made in heaven.

A little different from the Chinese, the French allured to the idea that marriage is more than just the physical & emotional union between a couple, there is a spiritual connection too. 

I agree wholeheartedly with this French idea.

Whether you believe in God or not, when you commit to another person in marriage, you have chosen to enter into a wholesome relationship with that person. Such a relationship does not only include the physical and emotional bonding of your body and soul, but also a spiritual bond.

Even in this 21st century when many couples take marital commitments more loosely than it was intended to be, surveys done by marriage experts, such as Dr Gary Rosberg show that "58% of the women, of over 700 couples surveyed, ranked Spiritual Intimacy as their top sex need" (Reference [1] below). 

A woman feels more secured and thus becomes more committed to support her husband, if he constantly connects with her spiritually.

Now, coming back to Mark and Jisoo, for whom I quoted "les marriages au sont ciel" in my short message during the solemnization, I told them that even if they believed that their marriage is made in heaven, they will have to work hard to make their marriage meaningful  and enjoyable, so as to fulfill their vows, which ended with "I vow to love you, until death do us part."

The reason that prompted this post was how Mark and Jisoo had demonstrated that they are committed to working hard to make their marriage better, and they did that right during the solemnization. While both articulated their vows to each other in English, so that I and the rest of the guests can understand and thus be their witnesses, Mark did a Korean version and Jisoo did a German version (which is Mark's mother tongue).

Mark and Jisoo clearly struggled reading out the vow in a language that they aren't familiar with. But in their actions, I can see how much effort they had put into learning another new language, just to say their vow in each other's mother tongue. I saw the delight in their parents' eyes when they heard the vows spoken in their native language. 

Before concluding the solemnization, I offered them two simple tips to grow build their Maximum Marriage:

Tip#1 -  Do not look to each other to be the Mr or Ms Right. Instead, be determined to be the right person for the other.

Tip#2 - Every morning when they wake up, deliberately think of what they can do that very day to please the person lying beside.

So, indeed, if you want to have a meaningful and enjoyable marriage, and move from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life, then work hard daily to please each other and grow your love for each other. Practice the two tips daily and I assure you that your marriage will grow stronger and stronger. 

Steven

Reference [1] - The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barbara Rosberg, page 115.

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Don't Believe Everything Your Spouse Says To You!

To keep a marriage glowing, you must not believe everything your spouse says to you.

With more than 35 years of marriage behind us, Michelle and I know that this is true. For as many times as we practiced this simple idea, we were always able to stay above challenges in our relationship.

Let me explain by first asking you this question:

"Have you ever been hurt by what your spouse said to you or about you?"

I bet that many of you have and some are still feeling sore over some of those incidents.

While I have always advocated for spouses to speak well of one another, Michelle and I still have not perfected our speech yet. Despite our good intention, we still fail occasionally, and usually when one or both of us are under stress or when we are fatigued.

When our emotions are weaker than usual, we become irritable, as well as irritating, and often times, we blurt out words without giving them proper thoughts. Such words come out of our mouth faster than they go through our brain, and so are usually not true. Yet such words have the potential to cause tremendous hurt.

Some examples are:

"You are so unreasonable."

"Why are you so lazy?"

"I am tired of having to put up with you."

"Can't you do better than that?"

"I hate what you have done!"

Do they sound familiar?

Let me share how Michelle and I prevent the escalation of such careless words from becoming feuds that cause hurts.

I decided to build a trusting relationship such that if any of those statements spoke truth of my shortcomings, Michelle will give me the confidence to admit it, ask for her forgiveness, and ask our God to help me to change for the better. I do the same for her.

However, if Michelle said any of those statements merely out of her frustrations or simply because of anger, then I would tell myself not to take offense nor feel hurt. Vice versa for her.

More often than not, couples react negatively and argue or offensively defend the accusations. They forget that at those moments, their spouse was already stressed up or angry, making it difficult to accept any reasoning. Such a reaction usually elicits another negative reaction. And a war erupts!

Under those circumstances, Michelle and I choose not to believe what was said and we resist the temptation to react impulsively. It took many years for us to do this right. But it works wonders for us and it will work for any couple in love. The result is worth all the determined effort you have to put in.

So I say, don't believe everything that your spouse says to you, especially in moments of stress or anger! Instead, believe that it was never his/her intention to hurt you. After all, those words may not even be true.

Giving the benefit of doubt to your spouse brings a fragrance of love. It will keep your love for each other burning strong and you will enjoy a marriage that glows.

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For more of such sharing, get a copy of Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!

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Minions' Two Golden Rules for A Happy Marriage

In researching and preparing for the last Lovers' Retreat two weeks ago, I found this funny notice.

These cannot be serious or realistic rules that any couple should live by. It sounds like a conspiracy of the Women's Lib Movement.  Pass it on? No way!

We are humans and humans have our basic rights. If we do not guard our rights, they would be taken away. So how can any men ever accept that their wife is always right? Especially when she may be wrong, sometimes? 

These rules are only meant for Minions in their cartoon world .... or is it?

Truth be told, I did give those rules some serious thoughts after the retreat. The more I thought about them, the more I begin to believe that they aren't totally out of place. In fact, with a little tweak, they can become a strong foundation for every couple who wants to have a Maximum Marriage. 

It is a small but crucial tweak, which changes the rules to these:

1.  Your spouse is always right.

2.  When you feel that he/she is wrong

slap yourself and 

read rule number 1 again.

These rules work especially well when differences and conflicts rear their ugly heads in our marital relationship. Our pride and ego, more often than not, urge us to go all out to win arguments and establish superiority over our spouse and by so doing, secure the position that confirms that we are right. Those actions usually lead to more arguments and loud quarrels or silent cold wars between spouses. And finally, the winner is ...... no one. But the losers are the couple and perhaps their children.

Every one who wants to have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage must learn to accept that life is not about always being right, I emphasize the word in italics because all too often being right merely means that we want to exert our rights. It is my right to be right!! We forget that fighting to be right,  even if we were right in the first place, does nothing positive to build our marriage. From the experiences of many couples, losing small individual battles can eventually win the war for the couple.

This is where  Minions' Two Golden (Tweaked) Rules will work to strengthen a marriage. Whenever a difference acts up or a potential conflict begins brewing, it does well for both parties to accept that their spouse is always right. If we forget rule #1, the we must slap our self and read rule #1 again. 

I am not advocating that accepting that our spouse is right at that moment means that there is no possibility that he or she is wrong. I am clearly saying that these rules help us to stand on a solid foundation to manage the conflict. This starting position dissipates the heat and anger of that moment. It retards and stops negative feelings building up in our head and heart. Further more, it stops cynical and critical words from firing off our mouth. This is a great combat quencher and almost always stops conflicts from becoming a war. It allows one or both parties to cool down and think rationally at the problem instead of simply being angry at their spouse. When heads are cool and hearts are soft, then, the couple can use conflict management steps to effectively resolve their differences.

So, Minion's Golden Rules to A Happy Marriage do work for humans ... provided both the spouses apply them equally.

Start applying and be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

God bless.

Steven

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I did not marry the right person

Singapore's National Population and Talent Division just released their findings from the latest Parenthood and Marriage Survey 2017. One of the key findings shows that the reason why 74% of the almost 3000 single respondents are not dating seriously, that is with the intention to marry, is that  "I have not met a suitable partner yet."

These people are looking for their "Mr" and "Ms Right." They are looking to find one by dating different prospective partners. And none of them have not been successful and hence, not ready to marry.

When Michelle and I fell in love more than 40 years ago, I sincerely thought I had found Ms Right.  In fact, for her 18th birthday, I handcrafted her a gift which had her photograph and these words,

Michelle,

All this time I've been waiting,

For someone just like you,

To step into my life ....

I was mesmerized by and totally enchanted with Michelle; everything she was made me feel that I had found the right person to be my life partner. I had fallen head over heels for her. 

That feeling lasted for a few more years into our marriage. Then I realized that I did not marry the right person.

This may seem to be a shocking confession? But it was true.

As a pair of newly-weds, we began to notice certain behaviors, habits and even character traits that did not show up while we were dating. On hindsight, they did, but we were so madly in love that it didn't matter. But when we live in close proximity, 24/7 and day after day, my idea of her being the Ms Right was challenged frequently. In the same vein, she also experienced many of my habits and traits that she didn't like as much. Cracks in our romanticized relationship began to appear and  challenged us even more as the days passed by.

Then, by God's grace, we finally realized that our expectation of each other to be the right person to marry was absolutely wrong. We found out that no "right" person would marry either me or her. The reason is simple. I have many flaws. Michelle too. Neither of us can be the right person. Now isn't it correct to conclude that Mr Right will only marry Ms Right and vice versa?

As the years and experiences tempered us, we grew stronger in love along with the flaws, bad habits and all. The most significant change came when we stopped expecting each other to be the suitable partner and started to be the right person to each other. That revelation and constant practice to accept all of each other became our booster rocket, firing and sending our relationship to greater heights of love.

For people who are looking to marry a suitable partner, the bigger issue is the notion that they can find a suitable partner, instead of being one. So, when they finally find one and marry, they continue to expect that of the partner into their marriage. They will eventually be disappointed. When that happens, they decide to give up and look for another "suitable" person to replace the previous "mistake" they made.

On the other hand, if they were to focus to be the suitable one to their spouse, the marriage will certainly grow stronger. And they can have an enjoyable and significant relationship for the rest of their life. 

So, in spite of not marrying the right person, Michelle and I are enjoying our marriage, which is going to pass 35 years in a couple of months.  

Be the right person to each other. Such is the path towards a Maximum Marriage.

For more of such sharing, check out my book "Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!"

God bless.

Steven

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You Can Have A Maximum Marriage

In my last blog, Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan, I promised to share how Michelle and I overcame challenges in our marriage of over 35 years, especially when we were caught in relationship storms.

We are no different from most, if not all, couples. There were many storms in our life and storms still blow on us.. Some storms were unexpected and came from external sources, and others were created by us when we became careless with each other. Either way, the storms blew and sometimes with lightnings and thunders. But thank God that over the years, Michelle and I became good students to handle the storms appropriately. 

The keywords are handle appropriately.

Our definition of handling storms appropriately is that the end result must be like the beautiful sky that breaks through after the storm blows over. In more realistic words, when we handled our storm appropriately, Michelle and I grew stronger in our relationship with each other. When we didn't, we lost time and suffered emotional pain.

This is what we found out. To handle storms appropriately, Michelle and I needed to have a bigger cause than just wanting to handle the storm itself. We needed to know why we want the storm to pass us. We needed to understand what that beautiful sky after the storm means to us. We needed a compelling reason to want to rough out the storm as a couple. In short, Michelle and I needed a vision for our marriage - the reason why we want to stay married to each other ...... a vision to move us from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life!

We found and agreed on why we want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life. In fact, we found our motivation in four parts:

 

1. Perfect Match - There is no one better for us than each other.

This reason touches upon a vital, spiritual part of our life: in our imperfect self, we believe that God has made us the perfect match for each other. Believing this means that Michelle and I agree that there is no one better to be each other’s life partner. We acknowledge this because of our imperfections, knowing we will not always live up to each other’s expectations. Yet, we know that no one else could do better. Remembering this reason gives us hope and strength to overcome our imperfect personalities, as well as the pains and troubles that come during difficult times in our relationship.

2. Love - We truly love each other and want to grow old together.

When we planned on getting married to each other 35 years ago, our love for each other was the strongest reason we had (at the time). Discovering other reasons to remain married didn’t decrease the importance of that love. They actually made that love grow! Through both the good and the bad times during our marriage, we grew more in love with each other. Love is a powerful reason to stay together.

3. Effective Ministry - As a couple, we can better serve God’s master plan to bring people into a love relationship with Him.

It wasn’t something we had talked about, but Michelle and I grew into this reason: using our marriage as a ministry for our Creator. As Christian believers, we are both extremely grateful to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from death. Because He first loved us, we also want to love others. Having a common and unified heart of service for God, increased our love for each other. As we serve our Creator together, we are bound by His love. Anyone who experiences His love cannot help but love too. As we allow God’s love to flow through us, we enjoy pouring out our lives for others.

4. God’s Idea - God is even more committed to our relationship than we are!

We acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union together – God, Michelle, and I. And, surely what God has joined together, no man can separate. We decided that, for us, divorce is not and can never be an option. Despite all the ills of the world, this reason, that is, marriage is God’s idea, keeps us determined to become better lovers. It also allows us to overcome our disagreements and motivates us to live a life that honors the Creator. Because He loves, we love! We are motivated to look beyond each other’s failures, selfishness, and bad habits for a greater cause—God’s love and His design for marriage. Having His big picture clearly etched into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more.

These four reasons help us grow in our relationship. Remembering them has helped Michelle and I stay true to each other and happily married, despite challenging times. We constantly remind each other by declaring these reasons verbally.

We want to live our the rest of our life together as lovers! We want to have a Maximum Marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that is fun, enjoyable, meaningful, significant and fulfilling what our Creator has set for us to be and do. We are not there yet, but the journey is getting more enjoyable each day for us, even when the storm comes. We are definitely on our way to have our Maximum Marriage.

I have just launched a book this week (25 April). Guess what is the title?
 
Yes, it is Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life. What you read above is an extract from the book. Check it out! To buy copies, send an email to enquiries@maximummarriage.net

Come and join Michelle and I on a journey to your Maximum Marriage. You can!

God bless.

Steven



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The Importance Of Investing In Each Other

For almost 10 years now, we planned on going for a cruise holiday. Michelle and I finally did it. We spent 3 weeks of May on a cruise liner, sailing through the Baltic Sea and exploring the Nordic States, St Petersburg and Amsterdam.

Before we signed up for our maiden cruise, some people warned that not everyone could enjoy a cruise holiday, especially when it is a long one. Others remarked that we would be bored with each other with so many days at sea. I am glad that all those dreadful “warnings” did not stop us from signing up.

The sun setting over the Baltic Sea, at 10.30pm

And what is our verdict of a cruise holiday? It was an amazing time for Michelle and I. We had a wonderful time, not just enjoying the journey but more significantly, enjoying each other's company over so many days. We didn't want to it to end ....

During our time on board the ship, we made friends with many couples. It was not difficult to strike up conversations with them over meals, coffee time and during shore excursions. All those "veterans of cruises" had something in common - they were on the cruise by themselves and have been married for more than 35 years (to the same person, of course). Some of them said that they have been on more than 15 cruises together over the years and they loved them all.

All of these couples said that they were simply enjoying their private time together after many years of building their career and family. More importantly, they said that it was not about enjoying a holiday or the luxury of the cruise ship, but was about being able to enjoy life with each other!

The magnificent fountains of Peterhof, St Petersburg

Similarly, Michelle and I spent hours daily enjoying the shore excursions visiting ancient towns, beautiful cathedrals and opulent palaces from Estonia to St Petersburg (The Peterhorf Palace was truly magnificent). We drank vodka at the Ice Bar in Finland and walked the streets of historical cities of Germany, Denmark and Sweden. During sea days, we danced, listened to lectures on the history of the countries we would visit, chit chatted, watched the nightly live shows, drank lots of coffee and tea, spent hours over romantic dinners and in each other’s embrace night after night. There was no time for boredom because we enjoyed each of those activities together. In essence, we were able to enjoy because we enjoy each other’s company more than anything else.

What has it got to do with Investing In Each Other?  Everything!

Tulips in bloom at Keukenhof, Amsterdam

We, like the many other veteran cruise couples, have chosen to invest in our marriage during the years when we were building career, wealth and family.  While working hard, we did not neglect our relationship with each other. We spent time to plough and fertilize our emotional intimacy, regularly watered and fueled our sexual intimacy and more importantly prune our spiritual relationship together. After many years working at building our relationship, I can vouch that there is no other way than to invest love, time and effort in each other to reach this blissful state of relationship.

Some of our "investments" activities included:

• Having regular dates throughout our marriage.
• Accepting each other, especially the flaws. 
• Looking out for good and positive things to say to each other.
• Speaking well of each other, especially in front of our children and others.
• Being there for the other to cry on and to laugh with.
• Giving each other the highest priority, even over our children.  

You may not be planning a cruise holiday soon. You may not be experiencing a totally enjoyable relationship with your spouse yet. It is never too late to start. Invest your love, time and effort to build your relationship with each other. As you keep at doing it,  you will begin to enjoy life because you will learn to enjoy each other, more than any of the activities and material things.

Start your transformation from being husband and wife to be lovers for life. Start by investing in each other.

Be a better lover, today!

Steven

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The Undeniability of Denial

My daughter sent me a video with this question for me, "Married men: Do you agree with this video?"

Let me post this same question to you, men and women alike. But first, let's watch the video ....

It happens to many couples some of the time, and to some couples, this happens most of the time.

Since it is not about the nail, then what is it really about?

Is it about the man not being empathetic or about the woman's stubbornness?

Or is it about the right way to communicate? Conflict resolution? Denial of fact? Or denial of denial?

What do you say?

I responded to my daughter; with 33 years of marital experience behind me, I do not necessarily agree with the simple suggestion that it is not about the nail.  My wife and I do have such conversations, but very rarely in recent years compared to the early days of our marriage. We have made significant progress and have found ways to handle such conversations well enough that they not get their airtime with us anymore.

We realized that, truly, it is about the nail and much more than that.

I have identified the following lessons that we have learned in our journey. I hope that that you can benefit from our experience:

1.  Be aware of gender differences.

• Man naturally gravitates towards logic while woman are mostly emotionally inclined.

• Man wants to, and assume that he is expected to solve the problem. Woman just want to be listened to.

• So, be conscious of this and then give leeway to your spouse when having difficult conversations.

2. There must be connection before any correction can be effective.

• Em-pathetically agree with you spouse - be the attentive listener first. It soothes the troubled soul.

• Find the right time to point out the fact (the nail...) It may well be another day. Your spouse be so distressed that he or she merely needs a shoulder to cry on, an ear who would listen, and a body that gives an assuring embrace.

• Seek to understand before expecting to be understood. It is not about your view nor your spouse's view. It must be about how both of you can move closer in love even in the difficult situation.

3. Eliminate obstacles to a good relationship.

• Denial is an obstacle to change. Learn to accept facts. Be bold and honest to address your weakness and seek help.

• Facts may be facts but there is little use to mention them when your spouse is hurting and simply needing your assurance.

4. Deliberately loving each other.

• Accept each other fully, including differences.

• Conflict resolution is both a process and an art. So practice it regularly.

Now the question I have for you is this, "Do you agree?"

Steven


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Don't treat your spouse as your equal!

Until the late 1950s, women were not treated as equal to men. Male supremacy had existed since time immemorial. The Women's Liberation Movement started in early '60s, basically with women demanding to be free from oppression and male supremacy. The movement's stated goals were to let women have freedom, equal opportunity and control over their lives. They wanted to be accorded with equality to men.

That movement succeeded and the ideology has made its permanence in our modern world. Many women have risen to lead in high level positions in the political, commercial, social and scientific arenas. 57 Russian, American and Chinese women have gone into space as astronauts. Women today work as hard and contribute as much as the men in the workforce. Nowadays, it is a woman's right to be treated as equal to man.


As one who advocates strong marriages, I don't agree that men should treat their wife as their equal.

I do not treat Michelle as my equal - I will NOT!

Treating her with equality in our early years of marriage did not produce good results for us.

Michelle and I labored through many situations where we were unhappy and dissatisfied with each other. Since I was treating her as my equal, I expected that she would respond with equality. She did not always do that. In the midst of some of those quarrels, we struggled to value each other and ended up fighting with derogatory thoughts of each other. Careless and hurting but untrue words were spoken and we had to deal with the pains of bearing and recovering from those words. 

Then I decided to look for help. I was desperate for someone to help Michelle and I rise above the immaturity and differences. After all, we loved each other.

I am glad I had a good friend, Paul, who even though was a bachelor all his life, knew truly what it takes to build a great marital relationship.

He said this to me, "Steven, if you want to live well with Michelle and enjoy your marriage, neither of you must have any selfish desires. Instead, agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help the other get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

Seeing that I was not exactly getting what he meant, he added,  "All that I am saying to you can be summarized like this - value Michelle more than you value yourself!"

That was as clear as it can be articulated. 

Looking back, I realized that for all those times when we quarreled or disagreed, we were basically fighting to defend or secure our "rights". Those actions did not add to valuing the other person more than our self. Exerting and demanding to have our rights are really selfish actions.

So if I have to value Michelle more than I value myself, how can I ever treat her as my equal? 

Instead, I must treat her as more than my equal, that is, to treat her as one whom I must always hold in higher esteem than myself. She must be the one whom I want to please and give of the best in me, the one for whom I will be willing to sacrifice my life for.

This principle is rather easy to articulate but can be very difficult to execute. It takes lots of practice to get better. It takes perseverance and unwavering belief too.

Along the way, I learned another practical idea. 

If I wanted to be treated as a king, I must treat Michelle as a queen. And if Michelle wanted to be treated as a queen, then she must do all she can to make me a king. We can do this only if we value each other more than our self.

Michelle and I do not treat each other with equality anymore. She is a Queen to me, and I am her King. Through perseverance and practice, we now value and hold each other in higher esteem than our self. It is now part of us to want to please the other more and more. And that is why we are truly enjoying our marriage more than ever.

My sincere advice for those who want to have a blissful and enjoyable marriage is this - Do not treat your spouse as your equal. Value him or her more than yourself!

Doing just that will make you a better lover right away.

Steven


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What, you are on a holiday with just one another?

I am writing this from Perth. Michelle and I have been here for several days and with a few more to go.  We have driven over 1000km  in 4 days, through winding coastal and forest roads, passing vast expanse of farmlands and vineyards, stopping by wineries and visiting  caves and waterfalls in the Margaret River.

Our friends in Australia were surprised, "What? Only the two of you on a holiday?"

The question did not surprise us. Most couples who have been married for a while usually go on holidays with friends and family. Not many go on their own because, "It will be too boring. What do you do with each other on a long holiday? Can you really enjoy your holiday without others around you?"

Not for us. While we still go on holidays with friends and family, Michelle and I love spending time just with each other. We will not give up our couple-time holidays because we know that we need such times to relax, refresh, recreate and strengthen our love for each other. This is of highest priority for us and for those who want to be good lovers for life!

For this particular holiday, we did not prepare ahead where we wanted to visit. Our plan was to simply enjoy time together - that is the most important reason for us to be away from Singapore. We wanted an undisturbed week alone; to renew and enjoy the pleasure of being just with each other. So we just go with the flow, spontaneously deciding on the destinations only on the night before. After all, sightseeing is not the core reason for this holiday.

On Monday, we decided to have lunch at a vineyard and then visit a special cave about 300km from where we stayed. Unfortunately, I was misled by the on-board GPS and took the coastal and forest road, which was shorter but would take much longer time due to the speed limits. I should have listened to Michelle when she told me to just stick with the paper map and drive on the highway. Because I am an engineer by training, I stuck to the sweet voice of Miss GPS.



We finally arrived at the vineyard an hour and half later than planned. Thankfully, the lunch in the woods was wonderful - delicious food, great wine and good conversation. We got carried away and finally reached the cave just after 4pm, only to find out that we were too late for the last tour of the day, which left at 3.30pm. We were told to return the next day. But we did not want to drive 600km again.

I felt a little disappointed as we began our drive back to Mandurah. To add to that, I accidentally sat on my glasses and broke it. I did not have a spare one with me so I had to wear my sunglasses to see clearly. That is, until night fell.

It turned out to be a long drive - more than 3 hours and half of that time was in the dark. There was no R&R rest point along the route and driving in the unlighted highway at 110km/hr with sunglasses on was rather strenuous for me. And we were both tired.

Tempers could have flared. The following exchanges could have taken place.

"Why didn't you listen to me in the first place?"
"We drove all the way for nothing!"
"You should have planned better."
"The holiday is ruined."
"Shut up!"

No, Michelle and I did not end up with those exchanges. Not at all.

We are on a holiday to enjoy each other more than the sights and the sites and we will not allow any circumstances to ruin our time together. And we did well to keep that up!

On that long drive back to our resort, we talked joyfully about how we are enjoying ourselves. We prayed for our family, our friends, our church and those who are with us in the Family Life ministry. We sang praises to God. Those 3 hours passed rather quickly and surprisingly, enjoyably.

Michelle and I totally believe in the need for constantly renewing and refreshing our relationship. We need time off for ourselves to recharge and renew our strength in order to help others. We would not allow any unpleasant circumstances or mistakes to ruin our holiday plan.

So, the next time you are on a holiday with your lover, remember you are there to enjoy each other - sightseeing is not the focus; your lover is! Don't let anything or anyone ruin your time together.

Good lovers enjoy each other more than anything or anyone else.

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Of Honey Bees and Buzzard Flies

At a recent marriage enrichment talk that we conducted, Michelle offered a piece of advice to the wives (works the same for the husbands too).

She said that buzzard flies always go in search for dead animals. When they find a decaying carcass, they will gorge themselves on it, devouring the meat to the bare bones.

On the other hand, honey bees only look for sweet nectar. God created them such that they can discriminate the best flowers in the garden to suck up the sweetness.

Honey bees produce honey combs, providing honey which is good for health. Buzzard flies produce nothing except the disgusting sight of them devouring the decomposed carcass. They also carry diseases that hurt human beings.

Buzzard flies and honey bees always find what they are looking for. This is the law of nature!

In the same way, we will always find what we are looking for in our spouse. If you are looking for faults, you will surely find them. If you are looking for the goodness in your spouse, you will also surely find them.

The buzzard flies and honey bees do not have the ability to choose what they want to find. That's how they are created. But we do, that's how we are created - we have the ability to choose.

Quoting from God's Little Devotional Book for Couples (Honor Books), Michelle gave a simple but most appropriate advice to the wives at that talk:

"To his virtues be very kind.

To his faults be a little blind."

So, choose if you want to be a buzzard fly or a honey bee. Michelle and I have chosen.

Be a better lover, today - start to look for the goodness in your lover and you will be surprised how much you can find. Savour it, for it will be like honey to you.

Steven

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Marriage - A Long Walk for Two

I was given the honor to address the couples at their marriage enrichment course graduation celebration last evening. These couples invested time to attend the 10-session course to strengthen their marriage.

Against all conventional wisdom and risking not to be invited to another graduation celebration, I told the couples that all they learned from the course was useless. Pausing to let my words sink in, I observed the uncomfortable reactions and shocked faces. I quickly qualified my statement by saying that no course will ever help any couple in their marriage if they did not put into practise what they have learned.

The keyword is action; deliberate action to make marriage work. 

Marriage is a long walk with no graduation

I shared that there is no graduation in marriage. Michelle and I have been married for 31 years and we are still learning how to better our relationship.
 
Our marriage has been and continues to be a long walk between the two of us. When we woke up from our first night as husband and wife, we were no different from the two individuals a day before. The phrase, "and the two shall become one flesh" did not create the miracle of change in us overnight. And not for a long time afterwards. But into our new life together, we brought along our strengths, weaknesses, character, old baggage, hope and new aspirations.

We journeyed through interesting terrains. On many days we were on the mountaintop, high with great passion and zest for life with each other. On other days, feeling of love hid from us and living together seemed painful.

We have had many sunny days in which we felt so loved. Just as many were stormy days in which our walk became arduous. On some days we enjoyed our conversation so much that we wished it never had to end. On other days our careless words hurt each other.

Like many other travelers in this journey, we don't exactly know the destination, and even when we have some semblance of a plan, we don't know when we will arrive. 

But we keep on traveling. Hand-in-hand, step-by-step and remembering our vows to each other. Learning day-by-day to be better at how to love each other more, increase our patience and tolerance, accept each other and how to consider the other above our self.

Gary Thomas is spot on when he wrote (Sacred Marriage) that "A good marriage is not something you find, it is something you work for."  

Congratulations, but not for completing the course
 
Still I congratulated the couples who graduated, but not for completing it. Instead, I congratulated them for being interested in their marriage.

That must have been the predominant reason they invested their time to attend the course. They were interested in their marriage. They want to make it work, make it better and end well.

And I made them look into their spouse's eyes to say, "Thank you for being interested in our marriage." 

Keep your interest in your marriage growing

While you fell in love quite easily, love won't simply fall into your marriage. A good marriage needs hard work, and lots of it. So keep your interest in your marriage growing so that your marriage will be glowing.

The married life is no fairy tale. You won't end up living happily ever just like that.  You have to work for it. As much as there will be joy and love, there will be lots of differences, disagreements, arguments, tears and heartaches. These are the ingredients for you to cook up a meaningful and loving relationship that will last. When properly handled, these ingredients will spout joy in adversity, peace in storm, and love that will carry you meaningfully to the sunset of life.

Michelle and I committed to make our marriage glow. We work hard at it and are enjoying fulfillment beyond description.

Such is the destiny of great lovers!

Steven

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An Intense Act of Reconciliation

"Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation." 

Gary Thomas, "Sacred Marriage"

Michelle and I are experienced practitioners of reconciliation. We have yet to perfect the art and the act. We are still working hard at it. As sure as the sun rises every morning, our marriage gives continuous lessons in our life-long study of human relationship and the thing called love.

When you live 24/7 in close proximity and intimacy with another human being, all is exposed.

She is a full length mirror to me. Not only does this mirror reflects my true image - that which no others will have the privilege to see, it comes a loud and sometimes sharp voice. It spews out criticisms, careless remarks, angry words, as much as it does with praises, words of love, affirmation, gratitude and encouragement. And I return her the pleasure of being her full-length speaking mirror.

I am the powerful searchlight that exposes every of her faults; big and small, sooner or later. In return, she is mine.

Such is the reality of two persons having a close and intimate relationship. This is the consequence, as some would lament, of getting married. That is why we cannot continue to simply be spouses.

We need a transformation in our relationship - from husband and wife, to lovers for life. Lovers will take the challenges of an intimate relationship as the institute of noble learning, that which teaches willing students the true skills for life leadership to achieve significance and true meaning in life - to love and be loved.

Having a pet may give you much pleasure and joy. Friendship is great, friends may be your entertainer, supporter and even confidante. But it is the one you married who will provide all the lessons you need to learn to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, to realize that you may be wrong and he/she may be right after all, and to give, give and give some more without expecting reciprocity.

In truth, marriage is designed to bring a man and a woman to the highest realm of existence - to learn to love and what it is to be loved by our Creator.

So with enough experience, my lover and I can say in love and for love, that all who value their marriage must practice humility, give up the demand for individual rights and constantly practice the art of reconciliation.

Start with the ABCs. Learn to say the following phrases.
 
    "I am sorry, please forgive me."

    "I love you and I forgive you."
  
    "You were right and I was wrong."

    "Let's move forward!"

Practice till these words become a natural part of your response and reaction.

Michelle and I have tasted the goodness of this practice. We are enjoying each other more than ever as we transform our self from being simply spouses to become lovers. We yearn for one another more and more, despite some of our shortcomings which we have yet to overcome. We feel that we are not just happy being together but living a meaningful a fulfilled life.

A couple can spend lots of effort to prevent 99 conflicts from birthing. It will all come to nothing if they were not prepared to reconcile over 1 conflict that sneaks through. It may be that straw that breaks the camel's back, or more appropriately, that quarrel which may potentially cause a breakup in the marriage.

There is no alternative - it is either reconciliation or separation. Michelle and I choose reconciliation.

What about you?

Great lovers constantly work to perfect their act of reconciliation.

Steven

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