Do you believe that marriages are made in heaven?

Recently, I had the privilege to solemnize the marriage of a cross-cultural couple. Mark, a handsome Indian, born and raised in Austria with an Indian father and an Austrian mother and Jisoo, the beautiful bride, who has the look of a K-Pop star, is of Korean heritage.

Mark and Jisso, at the Solemnization Ceremony.

They met while working in Tokyo. After dating each other for some time, Jisoo decided that she had found the man who will share her love of Kimchi Jjigae for the rest of her life and Mark felt that he had found the one who will join and support him to go through life's adventures.

Recently, they came to work in Singapore and decided to make permanent their commitment to each other by entering into marriage. 

The Chinese often quote this phrase, 姻缘是天注定的, which means marriages are decided by heaven. To some, this seems to mean that a marriage is fated, since the gods have decided for the couple to be married.

I am pretty sure that there is an Indian and a Korean saying that has a similarly auspicious meaning.

The French had also been using this phrase, and from as early as the 16th century. They say, "les marriages au sont ciel," which commonly translates as marriages are made in heaven.

A little different from the Chinese, the French allured to the idea that marriage is more than just the physical & emotional union between a couple, there is a spiritual connection too. 

I agree wholeheartedly with this French idea.

Whether you believe in God or not, when you commit to another person in marriage, you have chosen to enter into a wholesome relationship with that person. Such a relationship does not only include the physical and emotional bonding of your body and soul, but also a spiritual bond.

Even in this 21st century when many couples take marital commitments more loosely than it was intended to be, surveys done by marriage experts, such as Dr Gary Rosberg show that "58% of the women, of over 700 couples surveyed, ranked Spiritual Intimacy as their top sex need" (Reference [1] below). 

A woman feels more secured and thus becomes more committed to support her husband, if he constantly connects with her spiritually.

Now, coming back to Mark and Jisoo, for whom I quoted "les marriages au sont ciel" in my short message during the solemnization, I told them that even if they believed that their marriage is made in heaven, they will have to work hard to make their marriage meaningful  and enjoyable, so as to fulfill their vows, which ended with "I vow to love you, until death do us part."

The reason that prompted this post was how Mark and Jisoo had demonstrated that they are committed to working hard to make their marriage better, and they did that right during the solemnization. While both articulated their vows to each other in English, so that I and the rest of the guests can understand and thus be their witnesses, Mark did a Korean version and Jisoo did a German version (which is Mark's mother tongue).

Mark and Jisoo clearly struggled reading out the vow in a language that they aren't familiar with. But in their actions, I can see how much effort they had put into learning another new language, just to say their vow in each other's mother tongue. I saw the delight in their parents' eyes when they heard the vows spoken in their native language. 

Before concluding the solemnization, I offered them two simple tips to grow build their Maximum Marriage:

Tip#1 -  Do not look to each other to be the Mr or Ms Right. Instead, be determined to be the right person for the other.

Tip#2 - Every morning when they wake up, deliberately think of what they can do that very day to please the person lying beside.

So, indeed, if you want to have a meaningful and enjoyable marriage, and move from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life, then work hard daily to please each other and grow your love for each other. Practice the two tips daily and I assure you that your marriage will grow stronger and stronger. 

Steven

Reference [1] - The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barbara Rosberg, page 115.

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You Can Have A Maximum Marriage

In my last blog, Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan, I promised to share how Michelle and I overcame challenges in our marriage of over 35 years, especially when we were caught in relationship storms.

We are no different from most, if not all, couples. There were many storms in our life and storms still blow on us.. Some storms were unexpected and came from external sources, and others were created by us when we became careless with each other. Either way, the storms blew and sometimes with lightnings and thunders. But thank God that over the years, Michelle and I became good students to handle the storms appropriately. 

The keywords are handle appropriately.

Our definition of handling storms appropriately is that the end result must be like the beautiful sky that breaks through after the storm blows over. In more realistic words, when we handled our storm appropriately, Michelle and I grew stronger in our relationship with each other. When we didn't, we lost time and suffered emotional pain.

This is what we found out. To handle storms appropriately, Michelle and I needed to have a bigger cause than just wanting to handle the storm itself. We needed to know why we want the storm to pass us. We needed to understand what that beautiful sky after the storm means to us. We needed a compelling reason to want to rough out the storm as a couple. In short, Michelle and I needed a vision for our marriage - the reason why we want to stay married to each other ...... a vision to move us from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life!

We found and agreed on why we want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life. In fact, we found our motivation in four parts:

 

1. Perfect Match - There is no one better for us than each other.

This reason touches upon a vital, spiritual part of our life: in our imperfect self, we believe that God has made us the perfect match for each other. Believing this means that Michelle and I agree that there is no one better to be each other’s life partner. We acknowledge this because of our imperfections, knowing we will not always live up to each other’s expectations. Yet, we know that no one else could do better. Remembering this reason gives us hope and strength to overcome our imperfect personalities, as well as the pains and troubles that come during difficult times in our relationship.

2. Love - We truly love each other and want to grow old together.

When we planned on getting married to each other 35 years ago, our love for each other was the strongest reason we had (at the time). Discovering other reasons to remain married didn’t decrease the importance of that love. They actually made that love grow! Through both the good and the bad times during our marriage, we grew more in love with each other. Love is a powerful reason to stay together.

3. Effective Ministry - As a couple, we can better serve God’s master plan to bring people into a love relationship with Him.

It wasn’t something we had talked about, but Michelle and I grew into this reason: using our marriage as a ministry for our Creator. As Christian believers, we are both extremely grateful to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from death. Because He first loved us, we also want to love others. Having a common and unified heart of service for God, increased our love for each other. As we serve our Creator together, we are bound by His love. Anyone who experiences His love cannot help but love too. As we allow God’s love to flow through us, we enjoy pouring out our lives for others.

4. God’s Idea - God is even more committed to our relationship than we are!

We acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union together – God, Michelle, and I. And, surely what God has joined together, no man can separate. We decided that, for us, divorce is not and can never be an option. Despite all the ills of the world, this reason, that is, marriage is God’s idea, keeps us determined to become better lovers. It also allows us to overcome our disagreements and motivates us to live a life that honors the Creator. Because He loves, we love! We are motivated to look beyond each other’s failures, selfishness, and bad habits for a greater cause—God’s love and His design for marriage. Having His big picture clearly etched into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more.

These four reasons help us grow in our relationship. Remembering them has helped Michelle and I stay true to each other and happily married, despite challenging times. We constantly remind each other by declaring these reasons verbally.

We want to live our the rest of our life together as lovers! We want to have a Maximum Marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that is fun, enjoyable, meaningful, significant and fulfilling what our Creator has set for us to be and do. We are not there yet, but the journey is getting more enjoyable each day for us, even when the storm comes. We are definitely on our way to have our Maximum Marriage.

I have just launched a book this week (25 April). Guess what is the title?
 
Yes, it is Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life. What you read above is an extract from the book. Check it out! To buy copies, send an email to enquiries@maximummarriage.net

Come and join Michelle and I on a journey to your Maximum Marriage. You can!

God bless.

Steven



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The Importance Of Investing In Each Other

For almost 10 years now, we planned on going for a cruise holiday. Michelle and I finally did it. We spent 3 weeks of May on a cruise liner, sailing through the Baltic Sea and exploring the Nordic States, St Petersburg and Amsterdam.

Before we signed up for our maiden cruise, some people warned that not everyone could enjoy a cruise holiday, especially when it is a long one. Others remarked that we would be bored with each other with so many days at sea. I am glad that all those dreadful “warnings” did not stop us from signing up.

The sun setting over the Baltic Sea, at 10.30pm

And what is our verdict of a cruise holiday? It was an amazing time for Michelle and I. We had a wonderful time, not just enjoying the journey but more significantly, enjoying each other's company over so many days. We didn't want to it to end ....

During our time on board the ship, we made friends with many couples. It was not difficult to strike up conversations with them over meals, coffee time and during shore excursions. All those "veterans of cruises" had something in common - they were on the cruise by themselves and have been married for more than 35 years (to the same person, of course). Some of them said that they have been on more than 15 cruises together over the years and they loved them all.

All of these couples said that they were simply enjoying their private time together after many years of building their career and family. More importantly, they said that it was not about enjoying a holiday or the luxury of the cruise ship, but was about being able to enjoy life with each other!

The magnificent fountains of Peterhof, St Petersburg

Similarly, Michelle and I spent hours daily enjoying the shore excursions visiting ancient towns, beautiful cathedrals and opulent palaces from Estonia to St Petersburg (The Peterhorf Palace was truly magnificent). We drank vodka at the Ice Bar in Finland and walked the streets of historical cities of Germany, Denmark and Sweden. During sea days, we danced, listened to lectures on the history of the countries we would visit, chit chatted, watched the nightly live shows, drank lots of coffee and tea, spent hours over romantic dinners and in each other’s embrace night after night. There was no time for boredom because we enjoyed each of those activities together. In essence, we were able to enjoy because we enjoy each other’s company more than anything else.

What has it got to do with Investing In Each Other?  Everything!

Tulips in bloom at Keukenhof, Amsterdam

We, like the many other veteran cruise couples, have chosen to invest in our marriage during the years when we were building career, wealth and family.  While working hard, we did not neglect our relationship with each other. We spent time to plough and fertilize our emotional intimacy, regularly watered and fueled our sexual intimacy and more importantly prune our spiritual relationship together. After many years working at building our relationship, I can vouch that there is no other way than to invest love, time and effort in each other to reach this blissful state of relationship.

Some of our "investments" activities included:

• Having regular dates throughout our marriage.
• Accepting each other, especially the flaws. 
• Looking out for good and positive things to say to each other.
• Speaking well of each other, especially in front of our children and others.
• Being there for the other to cry on and to laugh with.
• Giving each other the highest priority, even over our children.  

You may not be planning a cruise holiday soon. You may not be experiencing a totally enjoyable relationship with your spouse yet. It is never too late to start. Invest your love, time and effort to build your relationship with each other. As you keep at doing it,  you will begin to enjoy life because you will learn to enjoy each other, more than any of the activities and material things.

Start your transformation from being husband and wife to be lovers for life. Start by investing in each other.

Be a better lover, today!

Steven

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Intimacy kills infidelity

The headline screamed, "Rise in couples who split within five years" (Sunday Times 16th Feb 2014).
"The first five years of marriage are proving a challenge for more Singapore couples - that is when partners stray, and a rising number of marriages break down."

Senior divorce lawyer, Tan Siew Kim was quoted saying that from the cases she saw, infidelity is the No.1 reason for divorce and it is happening early in the marriage.

It is a wake up call for all married couples. Infidelity is becoming a major cause of marriage break-ups.

What causes one to stray and break his or her commitment to love one another? There are many reasons. Rather, there are many excuses that the straying partner uses to justify his or her decision.

In the early years of our marriage, Michelle and I have had situations in which we were tempted with taking the easy way out when we had difficult situations. Calling it quits was an attractive, albeit, destructive option.

We are eternally grateful that we were taught that there is only one way to overcome infidelity and divorce - that is to build up and fuel intimacy between us. As simple as it seems, we had to take deliberate efforts to do just that.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. We took years to build up our intimacy level to where we are today. We both agree that we love each more than we did yesterday.

Was it worth the effort? Absolutely yes!

After years of fueling and building intimacy between us, we are closer than ever. Despite differences that still exist between us, we love and enjoy each other more than we did before. This level of intimacy has allowed us to overcome many quarrels and disagreements.

Marriage is about commitment, isn't it? Nobody said that marriage was going to smooth sailing.  By marrying, we agreed to go into an adventure that will bring about all sorts of troubles and challenges, as much as fulfillment and joy. For this specific reason, the marrying couple is made to vow their sacred promise to one another that until death, and not divorce, do they part.

Our commitment to keep our vow is made easier if have deep intimacy in our relationship. I am not just referring to physical intimacy. We need a holistic approach which includes spiritual, emotional, physical, recreational and financial intimacy. We need to be intimate in all these aspects of our relationship.

Build your defense against divorce. Fuel your intimacy to overcome infidelity. Live and love as great lovers. It is worth the effort!

Steven

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Why are you like that?

Have you ever ask your spouse this question before?

I have. And you might guess, the result was disastrous every time.

For many years in our marriage, Michelle could not accept the way I did or looked at certain things. Neither could I understand why she kept some habits that were unacceptable to me. Many times we had tiffs and unpleasant exchanges over such things. We tried to correct each other but it made the matter worse.

That is until I found out an important truth for a blissful marriage - that we have to accept our differences.

Fundamentally, we are two unique individuals. We do not think or act alike. We have different ideas, ideals and opinions. We have lived with our habits since we took our first breadth and becoming husband and wife was not going to magically change us. Still, I expected her to give up her habits if she loved me and she thought that I should do the same.

Bliss came when we began to accept the differences between us. This bliss did not come about by sweeping our problems under the carpet. Neither did it come because we closed our eyes to what we did not like of each other.

On the contrary, bliss came when Michelle and I learned that to respect each other means to accept our differences. It did not come easy. We had to commit ourselves to it. We had to be deliberate in not getting angry or frustrated whenever each other's "bad habits" showed up.

We even learned to accept each other's idiosyncrasies.

The result is amazing! When I saw her accepting me as I am, I began to have a strong desire to change to please her. She reciprocated in the same way. Our old habits and idiosyncrasies, which had caused much heartache before, began to dim before our eyes.

Honestly, I do not think that all our bad habits were gone. But as we sailed into the course of accepting our differences, those habits did not bother us any more. And without the constant disagreement over them, they simply disappeared from our eyes!

Such is the power of accepting differences between husband and wife. In the end, respecting each other truly means accepting one another. Learning and practicing this great truth help Michelle and I to love each other more. 

Great lovers become great by accepting each other unreservedly. It takes great effort but the result is amazing!

Steven

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Help!

"All couples need help to strengthen their spousal relationship."

Does this statement surprise you? It should not. Michelle and I do...all the time!

We are humans. We make mistakes. We lose control of our emotion, tongue and head sometimes, maybe a little too often for some. But we all do. When that happens, many couples get hurt. Sharp words cut, inappropriate reactions add to the pain, and the relationship is strained.

Some couples take their quarrels in their stride. Some try to resolve it by themselves. Some resign to the belief that life is hard. Yet some others add more fuel to their differences and quarrel more. Despite the different treatments, there is one thing for sure - we can overcome the problem easier if we had some form of help.

Like many couples in the early years of marriage, Michelle and I had to deal with various issues that are common to newly weds. We had then tried to resolve them on our own as we did not know who to turn to for help. While we thank God that we did come through successfully, it took us a lot more effort to do so. And we could have given up on our marriage then.

But I remember those times when we had help from those who cared; we were able to recover and reconcile quickly and even grew closer. It was then that we realized how important it was to have someone whom we can look up to, talk to and help us to resolve our differences.

We have since build up relationships with a couple of close friends whom we can share our problems with, pray together and keep a look out for each other in our walk. Michelle and I have also become close friends and accountability partners with various couples, allowing them to share their problems with us, helping them in their quarrels, pacifying, soothing and helping them to reconcile.

The bottom line is this; we all need help from others to ensure that our marital relationship grow strong and steady. There is one thing for sure - problems will crop up again and again, and when we cannot cope by our self, having help from those who care will keep us from straying into marital discord.

Find yourself a couple whom both of you can trust and relate to, and whom you can rely on for help. Ask them to be your marriage accountability partner, to give encouragement and support when you hit a problem that both you and your spouse cannot resolve. The support you get from them will be a big help to keep your marital relationship going well.

God bless.

Steven

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