Monday, June 23, 2014

My 90-10-0% Goal for Communication

Michelle and I have lots things to talk about with each other. So we do talk a lot. A lot!

Being imperfect, there are times when we utter wrong words, or use the wrong tone and body language. In our younger days, such "mistakes" would create problems for us. One or both would get angry and we would either end up with a big argument, or with several days of cold war.

Thank God that we have matured and learned to overcome those weaknesses.

Not that we do not utter wrong words anymore, but we say those words much lesser nowadays. And even when one of us makes that mistake, the other knows how not to take offense.

Recently, I was mentoring a young couple on the topic of spousal communication. I shared that we must follow a 90-10-0% goal; 90% of our communication must be delivered with affirmative and encouraging words and giving instructions takes no more than 10%. We must have 0% of negative or discouraging words.

The wife said that while they can try to work on the first two components, it is impossible to totally be void of negative or discouraging words.

I agree with her because even I have yet to achieve that idea state. But, I told her that if her husband and she can agree with each other to do their best to achieve the 90-10-0% goal, their relationship will surely improve. That I know, because that is exactly what Michelle and I are experiencing.

We found that instead of laboring to reduce the negative words to 0% in our communication, we work on increasing the affirmative and encouraging words instead. The more we speak affirmatively and use encouraging words to one another, the higher the percentage of this category becomes. Slowly but surely, negative words shrink to become just an insignificant percentage of our communication.

The truth is not that we achieved the 90-10-0% rule; it is still the ideal goal. However, because we speak so many affirmative and encouraging words to each other,  it didn't matter to us any more when we make some mistakes with words here and there. So, keeping the 90-10-0% goal in our daily communication really helps us grow deeper in love with each other.

A good lover strives to increase the amount of affirmative and encouraging works he speaks to his lover.

Try it - it can surely improve your relationship with your lover!


Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

1 comment:

Joanna said...

Seems familiar on your sharing Steven, on couple's communication with each other!

As words were being said from one's mouth, how should the other party response, as so often, fast conclusions were formed at the recipient's mind... before further explanation can be given!