Do you believe that marriages are made in heaven?

Recently, I had the privilege to solemnize the marriage of a cross-cultural couple. Mark, a handsome Indian, born and raised in Austria with an Indian father and an Austrian mother and Jisoo, the beautiful bride, who has the look of a K-Pop star, is of Korean heritage.

Mark and Jisso, at the Solemnization Ceremony.

They met while working in Tokyo. After dating each other for some time, Jisoo decided that she had found the man who will share her love of Kimchi Jjigae for the rest of her life and Mark felt that he had found the one who will join and support him to go through life's adventures.

Recently, they came to work in Singapore and decided to make permanent their commitment to each other by entering into marriage. 

The Chinese often quote this phrase, 姻缘是天注定的, which means marriages are decided by heaven. To some, this seems to mean that a marriage is fated, since the gods have decided for the couple to be married.

I am pretty sure that there is an Indian and a Korean saying that has a similarly auspicious meaning.

The French had also been using this phrase, and from as early as the 16th century. They say, "les marriages au sont ciel," which commonly translates as marriages are made in heaven.

A little different from the Chinese, the French allured to the idea that marriage is more than just the physical & emotional union between a couple, there is a spiritual connection too. 

I agree wholeheartedly with this French idea.

Whether you believe in God or not, when you commit to another person in marriage, you have chosen to enter into a wholesome relationship with that person. Such a relationship does not only include the physical and emotional bonding of your body and soul, but also a spiritual bond.

Even in this 21st century when many couples take marital commitments more loosely than it was intended to be, surveys done by marriage experts, such as Dr Gary Rosberg show that "58% of the women, of over 700 couples surveyed, ranked Spiritual Intimacy as their top sex need" (Reference [1] below). 

A woman feels more secured and thus becomes more committed to support her husband, if he constantly connects with her spiritually.

Now, coming back to Mark and Jisoo, for whom I quoted "les marriages au sont ciel" in my short message during the solemnization, I told them that even if they believed that their marriage is made in heaven, they will have to work hard to make their marriage meaningful  and enjoyable, so as to fulfill their vows, which ended with "I vow to love you, until death do us part."

The reason that prompted this post was how Mark and Jisoo had demonstrated that they are committed to working hard to make their marriage better, and they did that right during the solemnization. While both articulated their vows to each other in English, so that I and the rest of the guests can understand and thus be their witnesses, Mark did a Korean version and Jisoo did a German version (which is Mark's mother tongue).

Mark and Jisoo clearly struggled reading out the vow in a language that they aren't familiar with. But in their actions, I can see how much effort they had put into learning another new language, just to say their vow in each other's mother tongue. I saw the delight in their parents' eyes when they heard the vows spoken in their native language. 

Before concluding the solemnization, I offered them two simple tips to grow build their Maximum Marriage:

Tip#1 -  Do not look to each other to be the Mr or Ms Right. Instead, be determined to be the right person for the other.

Tip#2 - Every morning when they wake up, deliberately think of what they can do that very day to please the person lying beside.

So, indeed, if you want to have a meaningful and enjoyable marriage, and move from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life, then work hard daily to please each other and grow your love for each other. Practice the two tips daily and I assure you that your marriage will grow stronger and stronger. 

Steven

Reference [1] - The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barbara Rosberg, page 115.

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

Don't Believe Everything Your Spouse Says To You!

To keep a marriage glowing, you must not believe everything your spouse says to you.

With more than 35 years of marriage behind us, Michelle and I know that this is true. For as many times as we practiced this simple idea, we were always able to stay above challenges in our relationship.

Let me explain by first asking you this question:

"Have you ever been hurt by what your spouse said to you or about you?"

I bet that many of you have and some are still feeling sore over some of those incidents.

While I have always advocated for spouses to speak well of one another, Michelle and I still have not perfected our speech yet. Despite our good intention, we still fail occasionally, and usually when one or both of us are under stress or when we are fatigued.

When our emotions are weaker than usual, we become irritable, as well as irritating, and often times, we blurt out words without giving them proper thoughts. Such words come out of our mouth faster than they go through our brain, and so are usually not true. Yet such words have the potential to cause tremendous hurt.

Some examples are:

"You are so unreasonable."

"Why are you so lazy?"

"I am tired of having to put up with you."

"Can't you do better than that?"

"I hate what you have done!"

Do they sound familiar?

Let me share how Michelle and I prevent the escalation of such careless words from becoming feuds that cause hurts.

I decided to build a trusting relationship such that if any of those statements spoke truth of my shortcomings, Michelle will give me the confidence to admit it, ask for her forgiveness, and ask our God to help me to change for the better. I do the same for her.

However, if Michelle said any of those statements merely out of her frustrations or simply because of anger, then I would tell myself not to take offense nor feel hurt. Vice versa for her.

More often than not, couples react negatively and argue or offensively defend the accusations. They forget that at those moments, their spouse was already stressed up or angry, making it difficult to accept any reasoning. Such a reaction usually elicits another negative reaction. And a war erupts!

Under those circumstances, Michelle and I choose not to believe what was said and we resist the temptation to react impulsively. It took many years for us to do this right. But it works wonders for us and it will work for any couple in love. The result is worth all the determined effort you have to put in.

So I say, don't believe everything that your spouse says to you, especially in moments of stress or anger! Instead, believe that it was never his/her intention to hurt you. After all, those words may not even be true.

Giving the benefit of doubt to your spouse brings a fragrance of love. It will keep your love for each other burning strong and you will enjoy a marriage that glows.

--------------

For more of such sharing, get a copy of Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

Minions' Two Golden Rules for A Happy Marriage

In researching and preparing for the last Lovers' Retreat two weeks ago, I found this funny notice.

These cannot be serious or realistic rules that any couple should live by. It sounds like a conspiracy of the Women's Lib Movement.  Pass it on? No way!

We are humans and humans have our basic rights. If we do not guard our rights, they would be taken away. So how can any men ever accept that their wife is always right? Especially when she may be wrong, sometimes? 

These rules are only meant for Minions in their cartoon world .... or is it?

Truth be told, I did give those rules some serious thoughts after the retreat. The more I thought about them, the more I begin to believe that they aren't totally out of place. In fact, with a little tweak, they can become a strong foundation for every couple who wants to have a Maximum Marriage. 

It is a small but crucial tweak, which changes the rules to these:

1.  Your spouse is always right.

2.  When you feel that he/she is wrong

slap yourself and 

read rule number 1 again.

These rules work especially well when differences and conflicts rear their ugly heads in our marital relationship. Our pride and ego, more often than not, urge us to go all out to win arguments and establish superiority over our spouse and by so doing, secure the position that confirms that we are right. Those actions usually lead to more arguments and loud quarrels or silent cold wars between spouses. And finally, the winner is ...... no one. But the losers are the couple and perhaps their children.

Every one who wants to have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage must learn to accept that life is not about always being right, I emphasize the word in italics because all too often being right merely means that we want to exert our rights. It is my right to be right!! We forget that fighting to be right,  even if we were right in the first place, does nothing positive to build our marriage. From the experiences of many couples, losing small individual battles can eventually win the war for the couple.

This is where  Minions' Two Golden (Tweaked) Rules will work to strengthen a marriage. Whenever a difference acts up or a potential conflict begins brewing, it does well for both parties to accept that their spouse is always right. If we forget rule #1, the we must slap our self and read rule #1 again. 

I am not advocating that accepting that our spouse is right at that moment means that there is no possibility that he or she is wrong. I am clearly saying that these rules help us to stand on a solid foundation to manage the conflict. This starting position dissipates the heat and anger of that moment. It retards and stops negative feelings building up in our head and heart. Further more, it stops cynical and critical words from firing off our mouth. This is a great combat quencher and almost always stops conflicts from becoming a war. It allows one or both parties to cool down and think rationally at the problem instead of simply being angry at their spouse. When heads are cool and hearts are soft, then, the couple can use conflict management steps to effectively resolve their differences.

So, Minion's Golden Rules to A Happy Marriage do work for humans ... provided both the spouses apply them equally.

Start applying and be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

God bless.

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

You Can Have A Maximum Marriage

In my last blog, Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan, I promised to share how Michelle and I overcame challenges in our marriage of over 35 years, especially when we were caught in relationship storms.

We are no different from most, if not all, couples. There were many storms in our life and storms still blow on us.. Some storms were unexpected and came from external sources, and others were created by us when we became careless with each other. Either way, the storms blew and sometimes with lightnings and thunders. But thank God that over the years, Michelle and I became good students to handle the storms appropriately. 

The keywords are handle appropriately.

Our definition of handling storms appropriately is that the end result must be like the beautiful sky that breaks through after the storm blows over. In more realistic words, when we handled our storm appropriately, Michelle and I grew stronger in our relationship with each other. When we didn't, we lost time and suffered emotional pain.

This is what we found out. To handle storms appropriately, Michelle and I needed to have a bigger cause than just wanting to handle the storm itself. We needed to know why we want the storm to pass us. We needed to understand what that beautiful sky after the storm means to us. We needed a compelling reason to want to rough out the storm as a couple. In short, Michelle and I needed a vision for our marriage - the reason why we want to stay married to each other ...... a vision to move us from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life!

We found and agreed on why we want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life. In fact, we found our motivation in four parts:

 

1. Perfect Match - There is no one better for us than each other.

This reason touches upon a vital, spiritual part of our life: in our imperfect self, we believe that God has made us the perfect match for each other. Believing this means that Michelle and I agree that there is no one better to be each other’s life partner. We acknowledge this because of our imperfections, knowing we will not always live up to each other’s expectations. Yet, we know that no one else could do better. Remembering this reason gives us hope and strength to overcome our imperfect personalities, as well as the pains and troubles that come during difficult times in our relationship.

2. Love - We truly love each other and want to grow old together.

When we planned on getting married to each other 35 years ago, our love for each other was the strongest reason we had (at the time). Discovering other reasons to remain married didn’t decrease the importance of that love. They actually made that love grow! Through both the good and the bad times during our marriage, we grew more in love with each other. Love is a powerful reason to stay together.

3. Effective Ministry - As a couple, we can better serve God’s master plan to bring people into a love relationship with Him.

It wasn’t something we had talked about, but Michelle and I grew into this reason: using our marriage as a ministry for our Creator. As Christian believers, we are both extremely grateful to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from death. Because He first loved us, we also want to love others. Having a common and unified heart of service for God, increased our love for each other. As we serve our Creator together, we are bound by His love. Anyone who experiences His love cannot help but love too. As we allow God’s love to flow through us, we enjoy pouring out our lives for others.

4. God’s Idea - God is even more committed to our relationship than we are!

We acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union together – God, Michelle, and I. And, surely what God has joined together, no man can separate. We decided that, for us, divorce is not and can never be an option. Despite all the ills of the world, this reason, that is, marriage is God’s idea, keeps us determined to become better lovers. It also allows us to overcome our disagreements and motivates us to live a life that honors the Creator. Because He loves, we love! We are motivated to look beyond each other’s failures, selfishness, and bad habits for a greater cause—God’s love and His design for marriage. Having His big picture clearly etched into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more.

These four reasons help us grow in our relationship. Remembering them has helped Michelle and I stay true to each other and happily married, despite challenging times. We constantly remind each other by declaring these reasons verbally.

We want to live our the rest of our life together as lovers! We want to have a Maximum Marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that is fun, enjoyable, meaningful, significant and fulfilling what our Creator has set for us to be and do. We are not there yet, but the journey is getting more enjoyable each day for us, even when the storm comes. We are definitely on our way to have our Maximum Marriage.

I have just launched a book this week (25 April). Guess what is the title?
 
Yes, it is Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life. What you read above is an extract from the book. Check it out! To buy copies, send an email to enquiries@maximummarriage.net

Come and join Michelle and I on a journey to your Maximum Marriage. You can!

God bless.

Steven



Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

How to select the best gift for your spouse for Christmas

You are reading this article probably because you are attracted by the title. And you won't be disappointed. Before I go on, let me congratulate you for wanting to select the best gift for your spouse. This is a good start!

The advertisements scream loudly, "Christmas is a season for giving .... Show your love with a perfect gift .... Diamond is your wife's best friend ...." The bottom line for the advertisers is to get you to buy something for your loved ones.

How do you select the best gift then?

The best gift is one that your spouse can feel most loved when he or she receives it. Wow, isn't this a given? Yes, but do you know what to give? You are probably not so sure, right? So here is my answer for you ....

Go back to the basics - give something in your spouse's love language. If it is:

a.  Receiving Gifts - Buy presents for him/her, consider something useful or of sentimental value.

b.  Quality Time - Make an effort to plan and spend "couple-alone" time during the holidays (and often)... send the kids away or go away for a "just-the-two-of-us" weekend.

c.  Acts of Service - Do something that he/she normally does eg., cook and wash the dishes for her, clean up the house and the car for him, run the errands that he/she normally does.

d.  Words of Affirmation - Speak well of your spouse, especially in front of your children and others, deliberately look out for the good things he/she did and heap praises and say how much you appreciate him/her.

e.  Physical Touch -  Hug and kiss lots, give him/her a massage, initiate sex and show him/her how much you enjoy it.

So you see, the best gift for the season (and every day else) is not necessarily something that you can buy from the shops. It is the one that your spouse can perceive your love from.

 (If you are not aware of your spouse's love language, get him/her to tell you or take a free online test at www.fivelovelanguages.com and find out.)

Give the gift of true love to your spouse and have a blessed Christmas .... 

God bless.

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

The Undeniability of Denial

My daughter sent me a video with this question for me, "Married men: Do you agree with this video?"

Let me post this same question to you, men and women alike. But first, let's watch the video ....

It happens to many couples some of the time, and to some couples, this happens most of the time.

Since it is not about the nail, then what is it really about?

Is it about the man not being empathetic or about the woman's stubbornness?

Or is it about the right way to communicate? Conflict resolution? Denial of fact? Or denial of denial?

What do you say?

I responded to my daughter; with 33 years of marital experience behind me, I do not necessarily agree with the simple suggestion that it is not about the nail.  My wife and I do have such conversations, but very rarely in recent years compared to the early days of our marriage. We have made significant progress and have found ways to handle such conversations well enough that they not get their airtime with us anymore.

We realized that, truly, it is about the nail and much more than that.

I have identified the following lessons that we have learned in our journey. I hope that that you can benefit from our experience:

1.  Be aware of gender differences.

• Man naturally gravitates towards logic while woman are mostly emotionally inclined.

• Man wants to, and assume that he is expected to solve the problem. Woman just want to be listened to.

• So, be conscious of this and then give leeway to your spouse when having difficult conversations.

2. There must be connection before any correction can be effective.

• Em-pathetically agree with you spouse - be the attentive listener first. It soothes the troubled soul.

• Find the right time to point out the fact (the nail...) It may well be another day. Your spouse be so distressed that he or she merely needs a shoulder to cry on, an ear who would listen, and a body that gives an assuring embrace.

• Seek to understand before expecting to be understood. It is not about your view nor your spouse's view. It must be about how both of you can move closer in love even in the difficult situation.

3. Eliminate obstacles to a good relationship.

• Denial is an obstacle to change. Learn to accept facts. Be bold and honest to address your weakness and seek help.

• Facts may be facts but there is little use to mention them when your spouse is hurting and simply needing your assurance.

4. Deliberately loving each other.

• Accept each other fully, including differences.

• Conflict resolution is both a process and an art. So practice it regularly.

Now the question I have for you is this, "Do you agree?"

Steven


Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

What, you are on a holiday with just one another?

I am writing this from Perth. Michelle and I have been here for several days and with a few more to go.  We have driven over 1000km  in 4 days, through winding coastal and forest roads, passing vast expanse of farmlands and vineyards, stopping by wineries and visiting  caves and waterfalls in the Margaret River.

Our friends in Australia were surprised, "What? Only the two of you on a holiday?"

The question did not surprise us. Most couples who have been married for a while usually go on holidays with friends and family. Not many go on their own because, "It will be too boring. What do you do with each other on a long holiday? Can you really enjoy your holiday without others around you?"

Not for us. While we still go on holidays with friends and family, Michelle and I love spending time just with each other. We will not give up our couple-time holidays because we know that we need such times to relax, refresh, recreate and strengthen our love for each other. This is of highest priority for us and for those who want to be good lovers for life!

For this particular holiday, we did not prepare ahead where we wanted to visit. Our plan was to simply enjoy time together - that is the most important reason for us to be away from Singapore. We wanted an undisturbed week alone; to renew and enjoy the pleasure of being just with each other. So we just go with the flow, spontaneously deciding on the destinations only on the night before. After all, sightseeing is not the core reason for this holiday.

On Monday, we decided to have lunch at a vineyard and then visit a special cave about 300km from where we stayed. Unfortunately, I was misled by the on-board GPS and took the coastal and forest road, which was shorter but would take much longer time due to the speed limits. I should have listened to Michelle when she told me to just stick with the paper map and drive on the highway. Because I am an engineer by training, I stuck to the sweet voice of Miss GPS.



We finally arrived at the vineyard an hour and half later than planned. Thankfully, the lunch in the woods was wonderful - delicious food, great wine and good conversation. We got carried away and finally reached the cave just after 4pm, only to find out that we were too late for the last tour of the day, which left at 3.30pm. We were told to return the next day. But we did not want to drive 600km again.

I felt a little disappointed as we began our drive back to Mandurah. To add to that, I accidentally sat on my glasses and broke it. I did not have a spare one with me so I had to wear my sunglasses to see clearly. That is, until night fell.

It turned out to be a long drive - more than 3 hours and half of that time was in the dark. There was no R&R rest point along the route and driving in the unlighted highway at 110km/hr with sunglasses on was rather strenuous for me. And we were both tired.

Tempers could have flared. The following exchanges could have taken place.

"Why didn't you listen to me in the first place?"
"We drove all the way for nothing!"
"You should have planned better."
"The holiday is ruined."
"Shut up!"

No, Michelle and I did not end up with those exchanges. Not at all.

We are on a holiday to enjoy each other more than the sights and the sites and we will not allow any circumstances to ruin our time together. And we did well to keep that up!

On that long drive back to our resort, we talked joyfully about how we are enjoying ourselves. We prayed for our family, our friends, our church and those who are with us in the Family Life ministry. We sang praises to God. Those 3 hours passed rather quickly and surprisingly, enjoyably.

Michelle and I totally believe in the need for constantly renewing and refreshing our relationship. We need time off for ourselves to recharge and renew our strength in order to help others. We would not allow any unpleasant circumstances or mistakes to ruin our holiday plan.

So, the next time you are on a holiday with your lover, remember you are there to enjoy each other - sightseeing is not the focus; your lover is! Don't let anything or anyone ruin your time together.

Good lovers enjoy each other more than anything or anyone else.

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

My 90-10-0% Goal for Communication

Michelle and I have lots things to talk about with each other. So we do talk a lot. A lot!

Being imperfect, there are times when we utter wrong words, or use the wrong tone and body language. In our younger days, such "mistakes" would create problems for us. One or both would get angry and we would either end up with a big argument, or with several days of cold war.

Thank God that we have matured and learned to overcome those weaknesses.

Not that we do not utter wrong words anymore, but we say those words much lesser nowadays. And even when one of us makes that mistake, the other knows how not to take offense.

Recently, I was mentoring a young couple on the topic of spousal communication. I shared that we must follow a 90-10-0% goal; 90% of our communication must be delivered with affirmative and encouraging words and giving instructions takes no more than 10%. We must have 0% of negative or discouraging words.

The wife said that while they can try to work on the first two components, it is impossible to totally be void of negative or discouraging words.

I agree with her because even I have yet to achieve that idea state. But, I told her that if her husband and she can agree with each other to do their best to achieve the 90-10-0% goal, their relationship will surely improve. That I know, because that is exactly what Michelle and I are experiencing.

We found that instead of laboring to reduce the negative words to 0% in our communication, we work on increasing the affirmative and encouraging words instead. The more we speak affirmatively and use encouraging words to one another, the higher the percentage of this category becomes. Slowly but surely, negative words shrink to become just an insignificant percentage of our communication.

The truth is not that we achieved the 90-10-0% rule; it is still the ideal goal. However, because we speak so many affirmative and encouraging words to each other,  it didn't matter to us any more when we make some mistakes with words here and there. So, keeping the 90-10-0% goal in our daily communication really helps us grow deeper in love with each other.

A good lover strives to increase the amount of affirmative and encouraging works he speaks to his lover.

Try it - it can surely improve your relationship with your lover!

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

What's in a word?

"What we say and how we say it matters much in a relationship. It certainly makes a great difference to your marriage!"

That was what I shared with the couples at a Lovers' Retreat recently. 

I am sure that we all have heard many advice on communication, including:

• Talk less, listen more
• Be truly interested
• Seek to understand first before wanting to be understood
• Understand the context
• Watch your body language
• Clarify, don't jump into conclusions rashly .....

They are all good advice. However, my lover and I learned over the years that the best practice really is to choose to speak carefully and mindfully to each other. Being careful and mindful means to ensure that what I say would build up my lover, and also build up my love for her.

In simple terms, always speak kind words to one another, even in situations when you were right and your lover were wrong. This is what is meant by being considerate of each other!

The bible gives us such wisdom:

"The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit." Proverbs 15:4

"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Proverbs 18:21

My lover and I learned to constantly make deliberate effort to speak well of and mindfully to each other. The results are wonderful - we  practically don't argue anymore, we offer each other a lot more affirmation and definitely feel deeply loved.

So, before you next speak to your lover, THINK carefully of what you are about to say and how you say it.  Ask the following 5 questions:

• Is it True?
• Is it Helpful?
• Is it Important?
• Is it Negative?
• Is it Kind?

I end with a quotation from the "Devotional Book for Couples" -

Kind words can be short and easy to speak,

and their echoes are truly endless.

Good lovers speak kindly to each other, always!

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

A Bachelor's Instructions on the Married Life

It is unusual to have a bachelor to talk about the married life, let alone give instructions. It is also unusual, and may even be audacious to some of you, that I should listen to him. But I am glad that I did! What that bachelor told me certainly contributed to a great marital relationship for Michelle and I.

I believe that his instructions will definitely benefit any couple who is willing to put them into practice.

Paul, whom I first got acquainted with some 35 years ago, was a bachelor for his whole life. Not that he wasn't straight or that he didn't like women, he had a reason which he considered as noble for remaining single. He wanted to concentrate on a cause that he was so passionate about that he thought that having a family would hamper it.

Still, Paul was a wise man and many of his friends went to him for counsel. In his last years, he specifically gave advice to married couples. Those advice helped Michelle and I tremendously as we build our marriage and family. I want to share them with you.

Interestingly, that bachelor boy told us that marriage came with, not just responsibilities but, duties. I remember clearly when he said, "Steven, you must always fulfill your duty as a husband to Michelle and likewise, Michelle, as his wife, you must always fulfill your duty to Steven."

But it was what he next said to us transformed our attitude, especially towards sex.

"Michelle," Paul firmly but gently said, "I want to tell you that you have no authority over your body after you made the decision to marry this man. On that day at the altar when you agreed to be his wife, you have decided to yield your body to Steven. Remember that well."

Wow, Paul was my man!

Momentarily, I thought that Michelle might have suspected that I had coerced my friend into saying those words. But before I could finish my thought, Paul looked me in the eyes and continued, "Steven, in the same way, you do not have authority over your own body. You must yield it to Michelle."

On deeper reflection, we realized that Paul was telling us that in the institution of marriage, mutual yielding is preeminent and the essence for building a meaningful, enjoyable and powerful marital relationship.

Foregoing the ownership of our body and yielding it to our spouse is only the very base of this set of instructions. Yielding and giving up of our "rights"to our spouse is the ultimate goal, and it includes yielding our emotions, dreams, desires, habits, pet peeves and many other self-indulgent things!

Over the years that we have been married, every quarrel that we have had found its root to one of us not willing to yield to the other; we vehemently guarded our old way of life, we refused to surrender our positions or beliefs, we thought more highly of ourself than of the other, we did not want to give in - we simply did not want to yield to one another!

I must say that it is not easy to yield. Absolutely not. The common dictionary defines yield in the following two ways:

to give up, as to superior power or authority,

to give up, or surrender oneself.

Both these definitions center on the giving up of one's rights to a superior authority. My friend, Paul, in his wisdom, addressed that clearly when he said that I did not have authority over my own body but I must surrender it to Michelle and vice versa. Such great wisdom from a bachelor!

Now, let's talk about the yielding of our body to each other, in simple terms, having sex.

Men and women are naturally attracted to the opposite sex. For the men, physical attraction is usually the starting point; men's eyes behold beauty rather "blindly". That said, there are many men who are attracted to a woman's intellect, compassion, sense of adventure and the likes. 

For the women, feeling of love, being loved and being protected precede physical attraction. Still, the attraction will eventually lead to a physical expression of intimacy and consummation. This is how the Creator made us and intended it to be ... "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." and "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

For this reason, Michelle and I have learned to yield our body to each other. We constantly satisfy each other's sexual needs, to give each other pleasure, I for her and she for me. 

But sex is not all that there is between us.

By learning to yield our body to each other, we also learned to yield our emotions, personal dreams, desires, finance, recreation, habits and other such "rights" to each other. We don't do things out of selfish desire but with consideration of the other, well, we do this most of the time since we are not perfect creatures yet.

Our reward - an enjoyable and endearing relationship that we want to go on and on till we leave each other in death.

Great lovers yield themselves to one another.

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

When Love Speaks A Different Language

“How come you don’t love me anymore?”  Soo Eng questioned Eng Kiong.

“I have constantly told you that I love you, how come you say that I don’t love you? Can’t you see my love? I have bought you so many presents.” Eng Kiong retorted.

Soo Eng gave him no chance to continue, “But I don’t feel your love, I don’t care for the presents you have given me. All I want is some time with you alone.”

“Am I not spending time with you now?” Eng Kiong replied, getting frustrated.

During chat sessions with couples, I heard many of them expressing sentiments similar to Soo Eng and Eng Kiong. More often than not, their problem is not the lost of love for each other. In fact, they still truly love one another and “express” their love to one another frequently. However, love expressed but not received equals no love expressed!

This happens when love speaks a different language.

Michelle and I took Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages seriously. We fully subscribe to his teaching and we practice “speaking” the right love language to each other daily.

If your spouse complains that you are not showering him or her with love when you think that you have been doing it constantly, go read that book immediately. It will do wonders for your love life as it did for Michelle and I, and for the many couples whom I have introduced it to.

For those who are yet unexposed to love languages, let me quickly summarize what Gary teaches. Humans respond to different expressions of love and Gary names five:

• Words of Affirmation.
• Acts of Service. 
• Receiving Gifts.
• Quality Time.
• Physical Touch.

Each of us has an innate way of feeling loved and thus expresses love in the same way to others. For example, my innate love language is words of affirmation. It simply means that I will feel that I am loved if someone spoke words that affirm me or words that fuel my self-esteem.

So, if Michelle says to me, “Steven, you are great and I am so proud of you,” I feel loved. For the same reason, I will naturally express my love to Michelle by saying words of affirmation to her. I do so because that is what I think will express my love for her. It is a bit myopic but most of us are like that; living life with the filter of our heart.

The problem arises if Michelle’s love language is anything else but words of affirmation. Let’s say that her love language was physical touch, which means that she will feel loved if I held her hands, hugged her or gave a pat on her shoulder. If that is how she feels loved, then no matter how much I shower her with words of affirmation or buy her presents, it will not make her feel that I love her.

The only way then, is for me to express my love for her physically. In the same way, she must express her love to me with words that affirm me. Only then, will the two of us feel that we love each other.

Thankfully for the both of us, our top two languages of love happen to be the same – Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. And so, we encourage each other a lot with good words and we give each other strong physical expressions constantly – we even hold hands to sleep!

One husband came to me and said that his wife has been asking him to go for supper after the children were put to bed. He is not in the habit of taking supper and has rejected her many requests. But one night, he finally relented. What he could not fathom is that when he finally brought his wife out for supper, she said she was not hungry and did not want to eat. He got quite frustrated with that.

I told him to check what her love language was. I suggested to him that it was Quality Time and her request to have supper with him is really a cry to have quality time with him. He and his wife did the test and it showed exactly that. And since understanding what would make her feel loved, he has been spending quality time with her. He told me recently that they are much happier now.

Do you want to discover what you and your spouse’s love languages are? Go take an online test at www.5lovelanguages.com and find out immediately. Do the test together with your spouse and learn together what love languages do you speak.

And once you know your spouse’s love language, start to “speak” it to him/her immediately. I will guarantee you that by so doing, you will experience an immediate improvement in your relationship and it will save you a lot of unnecessary pains and troubles.

Let not your love speak a different language.

Don't believe everything your spouse says

"I can't believe that you are saying that, Steven. You must be out of your mind!", you must be thinking out loud.

No, I have not gone out of my mind. In fact, I believe that what I am about to share will help many couples to continue to love each other more.

Let me say this again, to keep a marriage well, you must not believe everything your spouse says to you.

Well, with 31 years of experience behind us, Michelle and I know that this is true. For the many times that we failed to practice this simple idea, we got into trouble. But wisdom took over finally and won.

Let me explain by first asking you this question:

"Have you ever gotten hurt by your spouse because of what he/she said  to or about you?"

I bet that many of you have been hurt in that way before.

While I have always advocated spouses to speak well of one another, Michelle and I still fail sometimes to do that. Rarely now, but we still do so occasionally, and usually when one or both of us are under stress or when we are fatigued.  Under those circumstances when our emotional energy went low, we became irritable, as well as irritating, and often times, we blurted out words without giving them proper thoughts.

Such words, which came out of our mouth faster than they went through our brain, were usually not true.  But those words had the potential to cause tremendous hurt.

 
"You are so unreasonable."
"Why are you so lazy?"
"I am tired of having to put up with you."
"Can't you do better than that?"
"I hate what you have done!" 

Do they sound familiar?

Let me share how Michelle and I overcame such situations:

Over the years, we have built up a trusting relationship such that if any of those statements spoke truth of my shortcomings, Michelle will give me the confidence to admit it, ask for her forgiveness, and ask our God to help me to change for the better. I do the same for her.

However, if Michelle said any of those statements merely out of her frustrations or moments of anger, then I would tell myself not to react with anger or hurt. Vice versa.

It took us many years to work this out - that is, our response must be to always believe that what was said wrongly was unintentional. We took efforts to learn not to take offense or put up a defense. In short, under those circumstances, we choose not to believe what was said and we resist the temptation to react negatively.

More often than not, couples react negatively and prefer to argue or make their defense to such accusations. But they forget that at that moment, their spouse was already stressed up or angry, and so would be unlikely to accept the reasoning. Then, the unhappy reaction elicits another negative reaction and a war erupts!

So, while we need to be aware of our real shortcomings, it is more important that we learn to discern our spouse's misplaced words.

It works wonders for us and it will work for any couple in love.

This calls for a determined effort on our part to believe that if our spouse did something good to us, it was intentional and if he/she did something bad,it was truly unintentional.

Giving the benefit of doubt to our lover brings a fragrance of love that will make us more understanding, less demanding and prevents conflicts.

So, I say, don't believe everything that your spouse says to you in his/her moments of stress or anger! Instead, believe that it was never his/her intention to hurt you. This will keep your love for one another and your marriage alive and well.

Great lovers give each other the benefit of doubt and cover each others' wrongdoings, especially the hurtful words that come out in moments of anger, stress and frustration.

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

Learning from the Lovely Dinosaurs

The lessons from the Dinosaurs continue ...

#1 - Keep looking out for the good traits, be aware of the bad ones but choose to overlook them.

"Love", they say, "is blind." It certainly was so while Michelle and I were courting.

It only dawned upon us after we were married that we had character traits that the other did not quite like. Some of those irritated us terribly. The over-used example of "which end of the toothpaste do we squeeze on" paled into insignificance when compared with some other more critical issues we had.

In the early years, we quarreled over many of those issues.

Each of us obviously had many good character traits that were pleasing to the other. Instead of appreciating those, we often took them for granted.

The Dinosaurs are smarter. They look out for the good traits (see words in capital letters) and while being aware of the bad ones (small letters), they choose to over look them.

Michelle and I learned this as we grew deeper into our relationship. It worked wonders for us. Now, we choose to speak well of each other and do not take offense when some of the remnant bad habits pop up once in a while.

We spend a whole lot of our conversation saying the good things about the other. By so doing, we shut out the bad ones.

The Dinosaurs go one step further. They melt each others heart with KIND words and LOVING thoughts.

I would like to emphasize the importance of having loving thoughts of each other.

Our action and reaction start from our thoughts. That is why it is so important to have loving thoughts of your spouse. I speak the way I think. And so does Michelle. When I think of Michelle being loving and lovely, I speak words that compliment that. This makes her feel good, and I feel good that she does.

Speaking well of each other starts with thinking well of each other. So,choose to fill your mind with good thoughts about your spouse constantly. You will find that what you say will be well too.

Great lovers think and speak well of the other!

Steven

(Cartoons belong to Mr Edward Monkton. They are from his simple but wonderful book titled, "A LOVELY LOVE STORY" by HarperCollins Publishers. The book was a present from our daughter for our 31st wedding anniversary.)

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

Beware who's comforting your spouse?

I am not making a judgement. I want to sound a warning, to myself and all couples.

Have no doubt that emotional intimacy plays a crucial role in a couple's relationship. It is even more important than sexual intimacy.

Many extra-marital affairs begin with an emotional attachment between the parties.  A stressed out husband with a wife who does not empathize him, a wife without her husband's attention or affection, or a couple who is too busy with their career to have time for each other, suddenly finds someone who is willing to listen, who pays attention to his/her laments and offers comfort - this potent combination opens the door to the slippery path.

Many men and women alike cite the lack of emotional support from their spouse and the attention showered upon them by a third party, as the reason for being led into an extra-marital affair.

Notice that I used the phrase "being led into ...". This blame game has its foundation at the fall of Adam and Eve. "It is not my fault, you drove me into this ..."

Everyone needs a confidante; someone whom we can confide our deepest thoughts with. Who is the best person to take this role?

Not your best friend, not your mother and certainly not someone of the opposite sex (other than your spouse). It has to be the one whom you vowed your love and life to, one whom you pledged to have and to hold, for better or worst, in health and in sickness, for richer or poorer ...

I want to remind Michelle and I that we must always be emotionally intimate with one another. We must not fail to avail our shoulder for each other to cry on, open our arms to hug and give comfort, and to have the patience and compassion to listen to each others' fears, frustrations and hurts.

Most importantly, I want to take the lead to be that lover whom Michelle will run to unreservedly, unashamedly and confidently whenever she is in need of an emotional uplift. I know that if I do that, I will build her up to do the same to me.

Michelle and I do our best to build up our emotional intimacy. We know that if we don't, we are both open to temptations and attacks, which will only do harm to our relationship.

While we are not perfect and still irritate each other, we deliberately focus on being the best lover for one another. It means that we chose to serve and consider the other higher than our self.

It also means that we give more than we expect to take. It requires us to give up many of our "rights" so that we can let the other enjoy his/her rights.

"Can it work?", you may ask, "you don't know my spouse, he/she will simply take advantage of my goodness."

You are right, I don't know your spouse. But I am willing to let my wife take full advantage of my goodness for a simple reason; I love her and I am committed to her.

I know that by giving of myself to Michelle, she is touched to reciprocate my love for her. It works for us. I know it will work for other couples if they are willing let it work.

Who's comforting your spouse? Beware if it is not you!

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....