My Son Left Us!

Michelle and I had anticipated this life-changing event for many years. It finally came upon us on 26th October 2019. That day marked a significant milestone of our lives. 

We woke up to an empty nest!

After 31 years, my son moved into his own home. Our 2 daughters had moved to their marital homes 9 and 4 years earlier. Although we had anticipated this day many years ago, we still felt a little emo when we woke up that morning.

For me, it was not a bad feeling, just a tinge of strangeness. For Michelle, it was tougher - as she missed the 2 girls years earlier when they moved out, she is missing him. She said, "We have been living with him for 31 years and now he is not staying with us anymore." 

 

But thankfully, all those feelings quickly changed to a sense of success, fulfilment and joy.

Success because all 3 of our children have finally set up their own homes - they have become husband, wife, mothers and yet still remain as son and daughters. Fulfilment because Michelle and I have fufilled one of the major responsibilities of our lives - bringing up our children and releasing them to live their own lives. And finally, joy because we are once again in a couple's private world (两人世界) - we can do more of what we love to do together.

I have heard couples lamenting about having an empty nest. After years of living with the children, they found it tough to deal with living just with each other in an empty nest. With no children to care for anymore, they did not know how to joyfully and maeningfully spend time together. Focusing on the children had somewhat deflected many relationship issues that they were having in their marriage. Children became the glue to their marriage and they labored tirelessly to bring them up, often times neglecting their own needs to love each other.

 

Now that the children aren't their focus anymore, they get irritated with each other as their flaws became the focus. Frustrations drive many couples to escape each other  by spending as little time at home and with each other as they can. Then the problem execerbates, often ending in what has been appropriately termed, the Empty Nester Divorce. That would be so sad - the couple spent the prime of their lives building the family and bringing up their children, and when the children leave, there find that there is nothing to hold their marriage together anymore.

 

The good news is that there are many empty nester couples who find deeper love and meaning to their marriage and their lives during this period.

What makes the difference?

I believe that it boils down to preparation. Yes, preparation to enter this inevitable stage of life.

I thank God that He gave Michelle and I the sense, more than 20 years ago, to put in deliberate effort to prepare for that day. When our children were growing up, we were made aware that we are only stewards of these gifts from heaven. They will grow up and they will leave home one day. We agreed then that we would spend as much time as needed to bring them up, yet not foregoing time to build our marriage. I remember that we took time off for ourselves frequently, going for short vacations and having couple dates, as much as we going for family vacations and enjoying family-centric actitivies.

We have had many conversations about "releasing" them when the time came, and to let them build their own nest without our intervention and interference. While we may not be entirely successful in not intervening (parental love transcends time and space ... lol), we have joyfully released them.

Now, what about the empty nest?

Michelle and I choose to term it as our Golden Nest. When we were younger, we had many responsibilties to fulfil - as parents, careers to build and savings to grow. Now, we are, and have been for some years already, blessed with time and financial stability.  These blessings allow us to do what we love doing together. Michelle and I enjoy time with each other, at home, traveling, serving God in various capacities, helping friends and spending regular time with our grandchildren.

More importantly, we enjoy each other. We talk lots. We do lots of fun things together -  ballroom dancing and having Pilates every week. We love to travel together, alone - just the 2 of us so that we can truly spend undisturbed time together.

Michelle and I would not be able to do all this without first building our relationship over the years. We have prepared ourselves way before the nest became empty. We decided to build a Golden Nest instead waiting to receive an empty one. 

 

We are now excited that we are finally having our very own Golden Nest!

You can too! 

 

You just need to be decisive, delibrate and prepare by building your marital relationship constantly and you will surely enjoy your very own Golden Nest as you journey towards a Maximum Marriage.

 

Steven Chan

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Do you believe that marriages are made in heaven?

Recently, I had the privilege to solemnize the marriage of a cross-cultural couple. Mark, a handsome Indian, born and raised in Austria with an Indian father and an Austrian mother and Jisoo, the beautiful bride, who has the look of a K-Pop star, is of Korean heritage.

Mark and Jisso, at the Solemnization Ceremony.

They met while working in Tokyo. After dating each other for some time, Jisoo decided that she had found the man who will share her love of Kimchi Jjigae for the rest of her life and Mark felt that he had found the one who will join and support him to go through life's adventures.

Recently, they came to work in Singapore and decided to make permanent their commitment to each other by entering into marriage. 

The Chinese often quote this phrase, 姻缘是天注定的, which means marriages are decided by heaven. To some, this seems to mean that a marriage is fated, since the gods have decided for the couple to be married.

I am pretty sure that there is an Indian and a Korean saying that has a similarly auspicious meaning.

The French had also been using this phrase, and from as early as the 16th century. They say, "les marriages au sont ciel," which commonly translates as marriages are made in heaven.

A little different from the Chinese, the French allured to the idea that marriage is more than just the physical & emotional union between a couple, there is a spiritual connection too. 

I agree wholeheartedly with this French idea.

Whether you believe in God or not, when you commit to another person in marriage, you have chosen to enter into a wholesome relationship with that person. Such a relationship does not only include the physical and emotional bonding of your body and soul, but also a spiritual bond.

Even in this 21st century when many couples take marital commitments more loosely than it was intended to be, surveys done by marriage experts, such as Dr Gary Rosberg show that "58% of the women, of over 700 couples surveyed, ranked Spiritual Intimacy as their top sex need" (Reference [1] below). 

A woman feels more secured and thus becomes more committed to support her husband, if he constantly connects with her spiritually.

Now, coming back to Mark and Jisoo, for whom I quoted "les marriages au sont ciel" in my short message during the solemnization, I told them that even if they believed that their marriage is made in heaven, they will have to work hard to make their marriage meaningful  and enjoyable, so as to fulfill their vows, which ended with "I vow to love you, until death do us part."

The reason that prompted this post was how Mark and Jisoo had demonstrated that they are committed to working hard to make their marriage better, and they did that right during the solemnization. While both articulated their vows to each other in English, so that I and the rest of the guests can understand and thus be their witnesses, Mark did a Korean version and Jisoo did a German version (which is Mark's mother tongue).

Mark and Jisoo clearly struggled reading out the vow in a language that they aren't familiar with. But in their actions, I can see how much effort they had put into learning another new language, just to say their vow in each other's mother tongue. I saw the delight in their parents' eyes when they heard the vows spoken in their native language. 

Before concluding the solemnization, I offered them two simple tips to grow build their Maximum Marriage:

Tip#1 -  Do not look to each other to be the Mr or Ms Right. Instead, be determined to be the right person for the other.

Tip#2 - Every morning when they wake up, deliberately think of what they can do that very day to please the person lying beside.

So, indeed, if you want to have a meaningful and enjoyable marriage, and move from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life, then work hard daily to please each other and grow your love for each other. Practice the two tips daily and I assure you that your marriage will grow stronger and stronger. 

Steven

Reference [1] - The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr Gary and Barbara Rosberg, page 115.

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My Grandson's First Sleepover Affected Our Marriage

My 4-year old grandson had his first sleepover with us last Friday.

A few months ago, he had his maiden sleepover with his paternal grandparents. I asked him then, when would he do the same with us. He said, 'I will sleepover at your house after I come back from my Japan holiday.'

He came back 2 weeks ago and kept his word; something we all are proud of and can learn from this young boy.

To welcome him, we bought a tent and rigged it up in my backyard, pretending that we were  camping (grandparents go to extremes to captivate their grandchildren.) We didn't sleep in the tent eventually because it was terribly humid that night.

He slept later than usual that night because he was excited.

As he sat on our bed fighting to keep his eyes open, he uttered, 'I miss mama.' I told him that I know and that it was well as we were with him. In less than 2 minutes, he went into a deep slumber, with a face filled with satisfaction of a great day with grandpa and grandma.

Sleeping between us, he rumbled through six different positions, which kept Michelle and I awake throughout the night. At first, he was sleeping parallel to us, then on Michelle's stomach, then on my chest before heading to my thigh, and finally back to parallel.

All three of us woke up early the next morning, and we were greeted with the best smile ever from our little Samuel. It melted our hearts. His angelic smile made us we forget how sleepy we actually were.

Then little Samuel said, 'Gong gong, we hibernated together last night.'

My jaws dropped in pleasant surprise. But to test that he really understood that word, I asked, 'So where did we hibernate together?'

'On your bed,' Samuel replied in a split-second.

'Wow, he has a vocabulary beyond a 4-year old,' I thought to myself. It must be that Mama and Dada had taught him well. We are so proud of them too.

Through my grandson's first sleepover with us, my heart tells me that Michelle and I are truly blessed. With all our children all having their own family and home, Michelle and I are still celebrating life and enjoying it. We have no empty nest, but a golden one!

Is this Maximum Marriage or what?

We believe that it is.

Just 2 days ago, a prominent person asked me what gives me energy every morning when I wake up. Without hesitation I answered, 'My marriage.'

I think both of us were surprised (yes, this was probably the first time I have actually declared this).

He asked me how is that so. I explained that I am so happy every night to lie beside Michelle and to be able to wake up with her beside me every morning. So it must be that my marriage gives me the energy to live life every day. This is in context that God is in the center of my and Michelle's life.

With our experience, we truly believe that you can also have a Maximum Marriage of your own. It did not come as a miracle. We made effort to build our relationship  through our 37 years of marriage. It was not smooth sailing all the way, but we kept at it and even had to plow through many challenges to be where we are now. It was painful many times, but it is worth every ounce of energy that we had put in to build our marriage.

You can too....

Steven

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About Opening the Car Door and Pulling Out the Chair for My Lover

Many people notice that I always open the car door for my wife to get in and then close it after.

Similarly, I will pull out the chair at the table for her to position herself to sit, and then push the chair in place.

I do these two acts especially at public places. So, quite a number of male friends asked me if I was merely trying to show off my gentlemanly gallantry. They complained that in the process, I am sabotaging them as their wife would expect the same treatment.

I must admit that I am really trying to show off.
No doubt about that.

But what they missed is that I am not showing off my gallantry. I would not bother to as it gives me no gain.

Truth be told, I do those acts with one deliberate intention, and for an audience of one - Michelle!

In his ever-green book on marriage, Courting After Marriage, Leadership and Relationship guru, Zig Ziglar greatly inspired me when he shared the core reason for always opening the car door and pulling out the chair at the table for his wife, whom he affectionately called the Redhead.

The reason was simple - Zig wanted to show to the Redhead that she is the most precious person in his life. By simply opening the car door and pulling out the chair for her, he was shouting to the world and to his wife, that she is so important to him that he wants to honour all the time. And by doing it in front of people, Zig is affirming her place of honour when the people begin to comment that she must be very precious to him, and that made her feel even more loved.

Michelle will attest that I do not just open the car door and pull out the chair at the table for her in public spaces. Because my reason is to honour her, I do the same when no one is watching. I open the car door for her in our garage. I pull out the chair for her at home and even when we are dining alone.

I do that because I choose to honour the most precious person in my life. And my reward is that I began I love her even more, and she reciprocates her love all the more.

Men, honour your wife. Start by simply opening the car door and pulling out the chair at the table for her. You will be surprised by the transformation in your marriage. It is a proven way to grow your Maximum Marriage.

And just one advice for the wives - when your husband opens the car door and pulls out the chair at the table for you, look into his eyes and say, "Thank you!"

God bless.

Steven

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Don't Believe Everything Your Spouse Says To You!

To keep a marriage glowing, you must not believe everything your spouse says to you.

With more than 35 years of marriage behind us, Michelle and I know that this is true. For as many times as we practiced this simple idea, we were always able to stay above challenges in our relationship.

Let me explain by first asking you this question:

"Have you ever been hurt by what your spouse said to you or about you?"

I bet that many of you have and some are still feeling sore over some of those incidents.

While I have always advocated for spouses to speak well of one another, Michelle and I still have not perfected our speech yet. Despite our good intention, we still fail occasionally, and usually when one or both of us are under stress or when we are fatigued.

When our emotions are weaker than usual, we become irritable, as well as irritating, and often times, we blurt out words without giving them proper thoughts. Such words come out of our mouth faster than they go through our brain, and so are usually not true. Yet such words have the potential to cause tremendous hurt.

Some examples are:

"You are so unreasonable."

"Why are you so lazy?"

"I am tired of having to put up with you."

"Can't you do better than that?"

"I hate what you have done!"

Do they sound familiar?

Let me share how Michelle and I prevent the escalation of such careless words from becoming feuds that cause hurts.

I decided to build a trusting relationship such that if any of those statements spoke truth of my shortcomings, Michelle will give me the confidence to admit it, ask for her forgiveness, and ask our God to help me to change for the better. I do the same for her.

However, if Michelle said any of those statements merely out of her frustrations or simply because of anger, then I would tell myself not to take offense nor feel hurt. Vice versa for her.

More often than not, couples react negatively and argue or offensively defend the accusations. They forget that at those moments, their spouse was already stressed up or angry, making it difficult to accept any reasoning. Such a reaction usually elicits another negative reaction. And a war erupts!

Under those circumstances, Michelle and I choose not to believe what was said and we resist the temptation to react impulsively. It took many years for us to do this right. But it works wonders for us and it will work for any couple in love. The result is worth all the determined effort you have to put in.

So I say, don't believe everything that your spouse says to you, especially in moments of stress or anger! Instead, believe that it was never his/her intention to hurt you. After all, those words may not even be true.

Giving the benefit of doubt to your spouse brings a fragrance of love. It will keep your love for each other burning strong and you will enjoy a marriage that glows.

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For more of such sharing, get a copy of Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life!

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You Should Not Tolerate Your Spouse

 My wife and I discovered that tolerating each other neither helped us to grow nor strengthen our marriage. So, rather long  ago, we agreed not to tolerate each other. And we are glad we did that.

Let me explain why we made that decision using the Chinese characters representing “tolerance” – 忍.

Tolerance to the Chinese is depicted as having a knife (刀) pierced into a heart (心). Literally, it means to withstand the highest order of pain a human can ever experience, which happens when one’s heart is pierced or stabbed. Medical evidence suggests that most people who are stabbed in the heart (cardiac stab), usually die within minutes due to the lost of blood to the brain and other organs, or may die a little slower from cardiac tamponade, which is when fluid in the sac around the heart builds up and results in the compression of the heart. Some patients are saved through immediate intervention but most simply die.

Those of us who have tried to use tolerance in relationship matters may fall under the same statistics – some may make it but many certainly break it! This is the primal reason for my wife and I to decide to never tolerate each other.

Let me propose to you something far better to help grow and strengthen your marriage - acceptance. This is a key to strengthening the emotional intimacy with your spouse. To achieve a Maximum Marriage, the tool is to Accept All of Each Other.  All means all – the good and the bad traits. 

But what does this mean and how does one practice it? 

Again, I look to Chinese wisdom for help – acceptance is depicted by the words 接受. The first word, 接, means to receive, to connect, to continue. Interestingly, it is made up of 手（hand) on the left and 妾 (concubine) on the right. It seems to suggest to opening stretching one’s hand (the wife’s??) to receive, connect and continue life with the concubine in the family (purely my own interpretation). I can only imagine the emotional pain a wife has to endure when her husband brings in another woman in the family and calls her his concubine!

Continuing, 受 means to bear, to endure, to suffer – forbearance.

So, putting them together, 接受means to have a total willingness to receive, connect with, and to forbear for the sake of the relationship. This is the way to a Maximum Marriage – Accept All of Each Other! 

N. T. Wright, a leading British New Testament scholar, Pauline theologian, and retired Anglican bishop, aptly said, 

"Love is not just tolerance. It's not just distant appreciation.

It's a warm sense of, 'I am enjoying the fact that you are you."

So I urge you to agree with your spouse to stop tolerating each other and to start accepting all of each other. And you will be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

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Do you want a Maximum Marriage?

Before you answer this question, let's first understand what Maximum Marriage means.

Professor Bernard Yeung (Stephan Riady Distinguish Professor and Dean of National University of Singapore Business School) and his wife, Professor Jean Yeung (Director of Family and Population Research Centre and Provost Chair of Professor of Socliology Department, National University of Singapore) made the following distinguishing remarks about Maximum Marriage in the Foreword to my book:

"In a Maximum Marriage, the husband and wife become intimate and true lovers spiritually, emotionally, sexually, recreationally, and financially. Becoming one, they strengthen, support, and protect each other in their life journey together and, more importantly, they grow together in their relationship with God."

 It is a powerful and yet simple description. There are several phrases that stand out:  

• become intimate and true lovers,
• strengthen, support and protect each other in their life journey,
• grow together in their relationship with God.

Let's delve into each of these expressions right away:-

Husband and wife become intimate and true lovers.

Intimacy is in our DNA. This desire comes from God who created us to intimately relate to Him. This is why we desire to have companions and friends with whom we can share close and warm relationships with.  Consequently, we have deep spiritual and emotional desires to be intimate with the person we love and married. Intimacy is the key to a strong and meaningful marital relationship. Only when we have deep intimacy, then can we be true lovers.

For most men (who are honest), the word intimacy conjures up only one thing - SEX. Relax men, you are normal! You see, in order to be obedient to God's command to "be fruitful and multiply" we need to pro-create. And to pro-create, we need to have sex. But men need to know that sex is not an end in itself. In a strong marriage, where both husband and wife are spiritually and emotionally connected, sex (the act) crowns that relationship and binds the couple together even stronger.

Almost all women will tell you that intimacy means a totally different thing - for them, it is to be emotionally connected. Sex comes after that. And she is absolutely right because God created her to be man's suitable companion, a soul-mate to make his life complete. When a woman feels emotionally safe with her man, sexual intimacy is her gift to him.

For this reason, intimacy encompasses more aspects than we usually care to consider. Intimacy not only revolves around our desire for sex and emotional support, it also touches our spirit. Additionally, to become true lovers,  include intimacy in your recreation and in handling your finances into your relationship. Then you can have a Maximum Marriage for life.

To strengthen, support and protect each other in your life journey.

Recently, a man who is married for just over 3 years expressed that his wish for his marriage is to "do life with my wife." I asked for clarification and he offered a smashing one.

"I can do life on my own, do my own things and do them with my friends. I can be happy doing that. But I want to do life with my wife and do it successfully for the rest of our lives together."

What an amazing expression of a vision for marriage. I really like the verb "do". He chose that word deliberately over "live". He doesn't want to just live life. He wants to do life together with the one he loves. Do is a strong action word!

The only reason to become intimate and true lovers is to do life together for as long as both shall live. And in this, having a Maximum Marriage means purposefully working together to strengthen and support each other constantly and consistently. More importantly, it is to protect your spouse through the storms of life.

To grow together in your relationship with God.

Back to the first word on intimacy - God created us to be in intimate relationship with Him. As soon as a couple realizes that their marriage is not only between themselves but is a three-party affair with God, they are on their way to a Maximum Marriage. When husband and wife believe and revere God individually and as a couple, they will be pulled upwards and inwards. The closer each is to God, the closer they are to each other.

If you want to have a Maximum Marriage, this is the first thing you must do - let God in as the Anchor Party in your marriage. The "do" things are: pray together, read His word together, minister together. 

Let me conclude with another apt comment by Professor Yeung:

"A Maximum Marriage is a sweet and blissful love. It is not inborn to our nature, but rather is to be cultivated."

You can have a Maximum Marriage. Start cultivating it, right away!

God bless.

Steven

To discover steps to cultivate a Maximum Marriage, get Steven's latest book at www.maximummarriage.net .

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You Can Have A Maximum Marriage

In my last blog, Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan, I promised to share how Michelle and I overcame challenges in our marriage of over 35 years, especially when we were caught in relationship storms.

We are no different from most, if not all, couples. There were many storms in our life and storms still blow on us.. Some storms were unexpected and came from external sources, and others were created by us when we became careless with each other. Either way, the storms blew and sometimes with lightnings and thunders. But thank God that over the years, Michelle and I became good students to handle the storms appropriately. 

The keywords are handle appropriately.

Our definition of handling storms appropriately is that the end result must be like the beautiful sky that breaks through after the storm blows over. In more realistic words, when we handled our storm appropriately, Michelle and I grew stronger in our relationship with each other. When we didn't, we lost time and suffered emotional pain.

This is what we found out. To handle storms appropriately, Michelle and I needed to have a bigger cause than just wanting to handle the storm itself. We needed to know why we want the storm to pass us. We needed to understand what that beautiful sky after the storm means to us. We needed a compelling reason to want to rough out the storm as a couple. In short, Michelle and I needed a vision for our marriage - the reason why we want to stay married to each other ...... a vision to move us from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life!

We found and agreed on why we want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life. In fact, we found our motivation in four parts:

 

1. Perfect Match - There is no one better for us than each other.

This reason touches upon a vital, spiritual part of our life: in our imperfect self, we believe that God has made us the perfect match for each other. Believing this means that Michelle and I agree that there is no one better to be each other’s life partner. We acknowledge this because of our imperfections, knowing we will not always live up to each other’s expectations. Yet, we know that no one else could do better. Remembering this reason gives us hope and strength to overcome our imperfect personalities, as well as the pains and troubles that come during difficult times in our relationship.

2. Love - We truly love each other and want to grow old together.

When we planned on getting married to each other 35 years ago, our love for each other was the strongest reason we had (at the time). Discovering other reasons to remain married didn’t decrease the importance of that love. They actually made that love grow! Through both the good and the bad times during our marriage, we grew more in love with each other. Love is a powerful reason to stay together.

3. Effective Ministry - As a couple, we can better serve God’s master plan to bring people into a love relationship with Him.

It wasn’t something we had talked about, but Michelle and I grew into this reason: using our marriage as a ministry for our Creator. As Christian believers, we are both extremely grateful to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from death. Because He first loved us, we also want to love others. Having a common and unified heart of service for God, increased our love for each other. As we serve our Creator together, we are bound by His love. Anyone who experiences His love cannot help but love too. As we allow God’s love to flow through us, we enjoy pouring out our lives for others.

4. God’s Idea - God is even more committed to our relationship than we are!

We acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union together – God, Michelle, and I. And, surely what God has joined together, no man can separate. We decided that, for us, divorce is not and can never be an option. Despite all the ills of the world, this reason, that is, marriage is God’s idea, keeps us determined to become better lovers. It also allows us to overcome our disagreements and motivates us to live a life that honors the Creator. Because He loves, we love! We are motivated to look beyond each other’s failures, selfishness, and bad habits for a greater cause—God’s love and His design for marriage. Having His big picture clearly etched into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more.

These four reasons help us grow in our relationship. Remembering them has helped Michelle and I stay true to each other and happily married, despite challenging times. We constantly remind each other by declaring these reasons verbally.

We want to live our the rest of our life together as lovers! We want to have a Maximum Marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that is fun, enjoyable, meaningful, significant and fulfilling what our Creator has set for us to be and do. We are not there yet, but the journey is getting more enjoyable each day for us, even when the storm comes. We are definitely on our way to have our Maximum Marriage.

I have just launched a book this week (25 April). Guess what is the title?
 
Yes, it is Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life. What you read above is an extract from the book. Check it out! To buy copies, send an email to enquiries@maximummarriage.net

Come and join Michelle and I on a journey to your Maximum Marriage. You can!

God bless.

Steven



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Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan

Michelle and I have been taking “onsen holidays” in Japan annually for the last six years. Both of us are hot-spring addicts and Kyushu offers some of the best ones in the whole of Japan (and the world). Going on such holidays refresh, recharge and help grow our marriage. The long drive from one mountain resort to another allows us plenty of time to talk, pray and praise God together. Staying in such remote locations meant that there is nothing else to do except to spend quality time with each other. Spending such time together helps us to build a Maximum Marriage, which incidentally is the title of my new book, which is due to be launched May 2017.

Let me share something interesting that happened during our last visit in February.

The weather was beautiful when we landed in Fukuoka. It continued that way for 7 days as we stayed in 6 different ryokans (Japanese inns) nested on different mountain ranges. On the 8th day, we drove to Kurukawa, a popular onsen (hotspring) town in the Aso mountain range, to stay in a small family-run ryokan. When we arrived at around 3pm, the sky was bright and sunny, just like in the last 7 days. With the temperature around 8∘ C, it was another perfect day for soaking in the onsen and enjoying time together. The ryokan manager warned us that snow was expected over the next 2 days. We did not give much thought to what he said.
 
Our room had a nice outdoor private rutenburo (outdoor hot spring pool). Needless to say, we dropped everything (yes, dropped everything that was on us) and went straight into the pool to enjoy soaking in the warm spring water together. This was followed by a great dinner (kaiseki) with good sake (Japanese rice wine). We enjoyed ourselves very much before retiring to another night of good rest.

Things took a drastic change overnight. We woke up to a very cold and very white morning. An extremely cold wind blew from Russia and China overnight and blanketed the island with heavy snowing. The mercury dropped to around -5∘ C and the sky dumped up to 100cm of snow over many prefectures. The news channels showed the impact; traffic were disrupted by many accidents and roads and highways were closed. Many Japanese were caught off guard.

At our locality, about 30cm of snow fell overnight. Almost everything outside our room turned white. In fact, the snow did not stop falling for another 2 days. It was so cold for us that even getting to our bathroom became a challenge, let alone soak in the rutenburo. We had 2 more days and another ryokan to visit before we go home. We thought that our beautiful holiday was going to end disappointingly early. But my biggest concern was how to drive 100 km back to the city to catch our flight home.

 

Coincidentally, I was thick in the midst of proof reading the final draft of Maximum Marriage. An interesting thought came to me - the situation Michelle and I were in seemed to portray a very cold phase of our journey to a Maximum Marriage (pun definitely intended).
 

Thank God that Michelle was so encouraging and that made me determined not to let this expected storm mar our holiday. We agreed to view the sudden snowstorm as a blessing - we assured each other that things would surely work out well.

To begin with, we chose to relish our very first caught-in-a-snowstorm experience. We told each other that while the weather was chilly, our love for each other was not. While the sudden snowstorm disrupted our plan, we decided to respond positively and make the best use of the situation instead of reacting negatively.

And so, we applied ourselves to the challenge - we decided to go ahead with our favorite activity, that is, to soak in the rutenburo. We were not going to allow the snow and sub-zero temperature stop us!

It was a real challenge though – when we stripped naked and walked towards the onsen pool, we had to overcome the chill that immediately and completely engulfed every pore on our body, contributed by the sub-zero temperature and snowflakes hitting our skin. When we reach the pool, we had to pour the 41∘C hot spring water slowly over our body to prevent a temperature shock, before we fully immerse in the pool. But once the water embraced our body, we begun to warm up. In fact, we started to feel very comfortable and we could even stand up and let the snowflakes fall onto our body without feeling chilly any more.

The reason was simply that our body had warmed up sufficiently and the chill was not only bearable but it became fun to let the snowflakes fall onto our naked body. Not for long though, as the ambient temperature was low and the wind was blowing, we felt cold again. Then we dipped and warmed up again. And we stand up again…and we enjoyed the chill again, then we dipped again.

And I thought to myself, “Hey, Steven, there is a great lesson to learn and share that can surely strengthen marriages and help couples achieve a Maximum Marriage. “

So dear Lovers-in-Arms, here it is.

When a storm comes upon your marriage, be determined not to let it mar your relationship with each other. Take a different view of it. Think of how together, you can learn from that experience to move towards a better relationship. Don’t let the chill turn you away from each other. Instead, brave the cold and walk together to find that hot spring and dip in the water to warm your relation up. Be determined, as a couple, to fight the cold.

With this mindset, your relationship will warm up sooner than you know and you will be ready to stand up and face another storm. Deliberately dip into the hot spring again and again. This cycle of warming your relationship with your spouse builds your marriage and gives it power to withstand the attacks.

It is not if, but a matter of when, you will experience storms in your marriage. It may spark off simply from a wrong word, a bad body language, cynical or sarcastic remark. Such seemingly trivial stuff can cause some of us to react inappropriately and become either defensive or offensive towards our spouse. Both are bad reactions to our relationship. So do all you can to avoid getting caught in either one. 

If that fails, do all you can to respond appropriately. How do one respond appropriately? That will be the subject of my next few blogs ... so stay tuned or better still, subscribe to this blog and you will receive an email notification every time I post a new article.  

Meanwhile, keep a positive mindset about your relationship. Think good thoughts about your lover. Be determined to move from just being husband wife, to become lovers for life!

God bless.

Steven

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