How to respect and "unrespectable" spouse?

I was a career Army officer for 15 years. Right from day 1 at Officer Cadet School, I was taught that respect must be earned. As a leader of men, I must demonstrate my aptitude (competence to lead) and attitude (passion to lead and compassion for those I lead) in order for them to respect me. In the same manner, I will respect one who demonstrate the same in return.

Dictionaries typically define respect as a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. 

This is typically how we understand and practice respect; we give it to someone who has shown great abilities, qualities or achievements. For example, we respect Singapore's founding father, Mr Lee Kuan Yew, for his wholehearted dedication, determination and wisdom to build Singapore. Similarly, we respect Mother Teresa for her unconditional love and sacrifice to the underprivileged. And the list can go on and on.

It all sounded so logical.

As I was totally sold on that belief, I brought it along into my marriage and family - respect must be earned.  I did the best I knew how to demonstrate my love and leadership to my family so that my wife and children would respect me. In return, I expected them to earn their respect from me by doing the same. I said, "I...."

Very shortly into the early years of my marriage, I found out that my belief wasn't working out for good.  In fact, it was causing problems between my wife and I because there were many times I struggled to respect her when she did not show "respectable" traits. We had a fair share of fights over what she must do to gain my respect (and love).

It became clear that the first definition of respect did not work for me - not in the context of family, at the very least and definitely not in a relationship that is meant to be built on love.

Most people often miss the dictionary's second definition for respect -  due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others. This is the definition of respect in the context of relationship building, which I was not taught in my Officer Cadet School days.

This type of respect has nothing to do with the ability, quality or achievement of the target person. We respect simply because we want to give due regard for him. For example, we respect our parents simply because they are our parents and we want to give due regard for their feeling and wishes.

In this context, then, which type of respect, should we accord to our spouse and children?

The answer seems obvious in theory but may not be as obvious in practice. It is a choice to be made. A serious choice indeed. Choosing one over the other, will greatly impact the marital and family relationship - you will have either an endearing relationship or one that needs lots of enduring!

I used to subscribe to the first definition and did all I knew to earn my wife's and children's respect. I expected them to do the same to earn my respect. I struggled with respecting them when their "attitude and doings" did not meet my expectation. Our relationship was not good then. How can it be good since respect was missing?

I am glad I decided to change my paradigm of respect - that regardless of their abilities or achievements, I want to deliberately give due regard for their feelings, wishes and rights.

I must say that it wasn't easy at the beginning and it still isn't easy today. Taking this decision requires me to give my rights so that my wife and children get the due regards. But I realized that I can "respect" them much more now than before. I realized that I am a better person as I practice this form of respect. I realized that I am more respectful of others as well. And I realize that my relationship with my wife and children and others have improved.

So, do you still think that you have an "unrespectable" spouse? If yes, consider changing your paradigm.

May I encourage you to join me in making a decision to give due regard to our spouse (and children) even if he/she is "unrespectable." It will pay off handsomely ....

Steven

Visit http://www.maximummarriage.net to check out my book.

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You Can Have A Maximum Marriage

In my last blog, Caught In A Snowstorm In Japan, I promised to share how Michelle and I overcame challenges in our marriage of over 35 years, especially when we were caught in relationship storms.

We are no different from most, if not all, couples. There were many storms in our life and storms still blow on us.. Some storms were unexpected and came from external sources, and others were created by us when we became careless with each other. Either way, the storms blew and sometimes with lightnings and thunders. But thank God that over the years, Michelle and I became good students to handle the storms appropriately. 

The keywords are handle appropriately.

Our definition of handling storms appropriately is that the end result must be like the beautiful sky that breaks through after the storm blows over. In more realistic words, when we handled our storm appropriately, Michelle and I grew stronger in our relationship with each other. When we didn't, we lost time and suffered emotional pain.

This is what we found out. To handle storms appropriately, Michelle and I needed to have a bigger cause than just wanting to handle the storm itself. We needed to know why we want the storm to pass us. We needed to understand what that beautiful sky after the storm means to us. We needed a compelling reason to want to rough out the storm as a couple. In short, Michelle and I needed a vision for our marriage - the reason why we want to stay married to each other ...... a vision to move us from simply being husband and wife to be lovers for life!

We found and agreed on why we want to stay married to each other for the rest of our life. In fact, we found our motivation in four parts:

 

1. Perfect Match - There is no one better for us than each other.

This reason touches upon a vital, spiritual part of our life: in our imperfect self, we believe that God has made us the perfect match for each other. Believing this means that Michelle and I agree that there is no one better to be each other’s life partner. We acknowledge this because of our imperfections, knowing we will not always live up to each other’s expectations. Yet, we know that no one else could do better. Remembering this reason gives us hope and strength to overcome our imperfect personalities, as well as the pains and troubles that come during difficult times in our relationship.

2. Love - We truly love each other and want to grow old together.

When we planned on getting married to each other 35 years ago, our love for each other was the strongest reason we had (at the time). Discovering other reasons to remain married didn’t decrease the importance of that love. They actually made that love grow! Through both the good and the bad times during our marriage, we grew more in love with each other. Love is a powerful reason to stay together.

3. Effective Ministry - As a couple, we can better serve God’s master plan to bring people into a love relationship with Him.

It wasn’t something we had talked about, but Michelle and I grew into this reason: using our marriage as a ministry for our Creator. As Christian believers, we are both extremely grateful to God for giving us His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us from death. Because He first loved us, we also want to love others. Having a common and unified heart of service for God, increased our love for each other. As we serve our Creator together, we are bound by His love. Anyone who experiences His love cannot help but love too. As we allow God’s love to flow through us, we enjoy pouring out our lives for others.

4. God’s Idea - God is even more committed to our relationship than we are!

We acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union together – God, Michelle, and I. And, surely what God has joined together, no man can separate. We decided that, for us, divorce is not and can never be an option. Despite all the ills of the world, this reason, that is, marriage is God’s idea, keeps us determined to become better lovers. It also allows us to overcome our disagreements and motivates us to live a life that honors the Creator. Because He loves, we love! We are motivated to look beyond each other’s failures, selfishness, and bad habits for a greater cause—God’s love and His design for marriage. Having His big picture clearly etched into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more.

These four reasons help us grow in our relationship. Remembering them has helped Michelle and I stay true to each other and happily married, despite challenging times. We constantly remind each other by declaring these reasons verbally.

We want to live our the rest of our life together as lovers! We want to have a Maximum Marriage, and by that I mean a marriage that is fun, enjoyable, meaningful, significant and fulfilling what our Creator has set for us to be and do. We are not there yet, but the journey is getting more enjoyable each day for us, even when the storm comes. We are definitely on our way to have our Maximum Marriage.

I have just launched a book this week (25 April). Guess what is the title?
 
Yes, it is Maximum Marriage - From Husband and Wife to Lovers for Life. What you read above is an extract from the book. Check it out! To buy copies, send an email to enquiries@maximummarriage.net

Come and join Michelle and I on a journey to your Maximum Marriage. You can!

God bless.

Steven



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The Undeniability of Denial

My daughter sent me a video with this question for me, "Married men: Do you agree with this video?"

Let me post this same question to you, men and women alike. But first, let's watch the video ....

It happens to many couples some of the time, and to some couples, this happens most of the time.

Since it is not about the nail, then what is it really about?

Is it about the man not being empathetic or about the woman's stubbornness?

Or is it about the right way to communicate? Conflict resolution? Denial of fact? Or denial of denial?

What do you say?

I responded to my daughter; with 33 years of marital experience behind me, I do not necessarily agree with the simple suggestion that it is not about the nail.  My wife and I do have such conversations, but very rarely in recent years compared to the early days of our marriage. We have made significant progress and have found ways to handle such conversations well enough that they not get their airtime with us anymore.

We realized that, truly, it is about the nail and much more than that.

I have identified the following lessons that we have learned in our journey. I hope that that you can benefit from our experience:

1.  Be aware of gender differences.

• Man naturally gravitates towards logic while woman are mostly emotionally inclined.

• Man wants to, and assume that he is expected to solve the problem. Woman just want to be listened to.

• So, be conscious of this and then give leeway to your spouse when having difficult conversations.

2. There must be connection before any correction can be effective.

• Em-pathetically agree with you spouse - be the attentive listener first. It soothes the troubled soul.

• Find the right time to point out the fact (the nail...) It may well be another day. Your spouse be so distressed that he or she merely needs a shoulder to cry on, an ear who would listen, and a body that gives an assuring embrace.

• Seek to understand before expecting to be understood. It is not about your view nor your spouse's view. It must be about how both of you can move closer in love even in the difficult situation.

3. Eliminate obstacles to a good relationship.

• Denial is an obstacle to change. Learn to accept facts. Be bold and honest to address your weakness and seek help.

• Facts may be facts but there is little use to mention them when your spouse is hurting and simply needing your assurance.

4. Deliberately loving each other.

• Accept each other fully, including differences.

• Conflict resolution is both a process and an art. So practice it regularly.

Now the question I have for you is this, "Do you agree?"

Steven


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An Intense Act of Reconciliation

"Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation." 

Gary Thomas, "Sacred Marriage"

Michelle and I are experienced practitioners of reconciliation. We have yet to perfect the art and the act. We are still working hard at it. As sure as the sun rises every morning, our marriage gives continuous lessons in our life-long study of human relationship and the thing called love.

When you live 24/7 in close proximity and intimacy with another human being, all is exposed.

She is a full length mirror to me. Not only does this mirror reflects my true image - that which no others will have the privilege to see, it comes a loud and sometimes sharp voice. It spews out criticisms, careless remarks, angry words, as much as it does with praises, words of love, affirmation, gratitude and encouragement. And I return her the pleasure of being her full-length speaking mirror.

I am the powerful searchlight that exposes every of her faults; big and small, sooner or later. In return, she is mine.

Such is the reality of two persons having a close and intimate relationship. This is the consequence, as some would lament, of getting married. That is why we cannot continue to simply be spouses.

We need a transformation in our relationship - from husband and wife, to lovers for life. Lovers will take the challenges of an intimate relationship as the institute of noble learning, that which teaches willing students the true skills for life leadership to achieve significance and true meaning in life - to love and be loved.

Having a pet may give you much pleasure and joy. Friendship is great, friends may be your entertainer, supporter and even confidante. But it is the one you married who will provide all the lessons you need to learn to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, to realize that you may be wrong and he/she may be right after all, and to give, give and give some more without expecting reciprocity.

In truth, marriage is designed to bring a man and a woman to the highest realm of existence - to learn to love and what it is to be loved by our Creator.

So with enough experience, my lover and I can say in love and for love, that all who value their marriage must practice humility, give up the demand for individual rights and constantly practice the art of reconciliation.

Start with the ABCs. Learn to say the following phrases.
 
    "I am sorry, please forgive me."

    "I love you and I forgive you."
  
    "You were right and I was wrong."

    "Let's move forward!"

Practice till these words become a natural part of your response and reaction.

Michelle and I have tasted the goodness of this practice. We are enjoying each other more than ever as we transform our self from being simply spouses to become lovers. We yearn for one another more and more, despite some of our shortcomings which we have yet to overcome. We feel that we are not just happy being together but living a meaningful a fulfilled life.

A couple can spend lots of effort to prevent 99 conflicts from birthing. It will all come to nothing if they were not prepared to reconcile over 1 conflict that sneaks through. It may be that straw that breaks the camel's back, or more appropriately, that quarrel which may potentially cause a breakup in the marriage.

There is no alternative - it is either reconciliation or separation. Michelle and I choose reconciliation.

What about you?

Great lovers constantly work to perfect their act of reconciliation.

Steven

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A Father's Greatest Gift To His Children

At the Dad's For Life Conference held in Singapore recently, a number of participants asked the key note speaker, Gregory Slayton (author of International Best Seller - "Be A Better Dad Today" - I recommend this book to all fathers who want to make a difference to his family), how they can be a better father. They cited their struggles with the need to provide for the family, the pressures that they face in life and wondered how to juggle their busy schedule to find time with their children and how can they know that they are good fathers.

The main take away from Gregory is this - "The best gift any father can give to his children is to love their mother deeply".  When i mentioned this to my youngest daughter, she wanted to know why?

My answer is simply that unless the couple loves each other deeply, they can never be great parents.

If I do not respect, love and submit to Michelle, my children will never know how to respect, love and submit to one another, to their spouses and to others. If Michelle does not respect, love and submit to me, it will have the same consequences. 

On the other hand, when our children see how we love each other, support and protect one another, they will grow up learning by sight and experience to love, forgive, exhibit humility, mutual submission and all the good stuff that parents desire of them.

I  really can't say that my wife and I are great parents. Only my children can give us that credential. (Read my daughter's letter to me here.)

However, Michelle and I can surely and confidently say that we are great lovers. We have made and continue to make each other to be that great lover that we enjoy to be with, to grow old together and to die in the arms of.

Dr James Dobson (founder of Focus On The Family) once said, "Parenting is a guilty affair, no matter how much you do, it is not enough." (What wives wish their husbands knew about women)

My insight to his statement is this: You can work hard and provide for them, you can buy presents and even be frequently present with them, you would still fail your parental role if you did not teach them to love. 

How can we be successful in teaching children to love? 

Only one way -  by showing love. This love must first be demonstrated in the every day life of the parents - love tangibly shown between dad and mom for one another. Love beyond that peck on the cheek. Love that can overcome the storms of life. Love that can forgive wrongs. Love that cries and laughs, keeps the commitment in good times and in bad times. Love that never gives up.

Great lovers DO make great parents! 

Michelle and I know for sure. Start loving your spouse deeply today.

Steven 

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When the hen crows and the cock keeps quiet!

I grew up in a kampung (small village) in the north of Singapore.

Almost every family in the village owned a some cocks and hens in their plot.  The red single comb on its head distinctively differentiates the cock or rooster from the hen. I remember observing that the rooster moved around majestically and most of the times followed by a hen and some chicken, chipping as they follow the cock.

The role of the cock and hen seemed simple enough to me as a child. Every morning when the sun rose, the cock crowed. I don't remember it ever failing to do so. It was created (or designed) to do that and it did the task dutifully.

As for the hen, it laid eggs.

Cock crows, hen chips and lays eggs - this was, is and will always be the order. They were created to fulfill those roles.

What will happen if the hen begins to crow and the cock keeps quiet?

Could it be then the hens will demand their rights (hey, I can crow too) and the cocks will be demoralized (you are taking over my job). Should that really happen,  we may not have any more omelette for breakfast.

I have just described the implications of a role reversal between a cock and a hen. Similarly, when a role reversal happens in a marital relationship, I am certain that there will be problems for the couple and the family.

Before I go on, let me clarify that I am not demeaning the role, capability, capacity and intelligence of my wife and the female species.

In fact, Michelle has proven herself to be wiser than me in many occasions. Many of her advises have saved me from harm's ways over and over again. Consequently, when I counsel men, I often dish a sincere advice - "listen to what your wife has to say."

Now, back to our cock and hen story. It is as if to say that on occasions when the cock forgets to crow at the appointed time, the hen chips her advice to the cock and sets him right. The cock crows.  And it continues to walk along majestically, as if he never failed his responsibility.

The hen does not take over and crow. She merely stands by her cock and makes him look good.

Herein lies the essence of my sharing - Michelle helps me to fulfill the role that my Creator designed me for. In doing so, she fulfills the role that He has designed her for too. Together as a couple, we fulfill our roles harmoniously and effectively.

The most important role for me as her husband is to lead. Michelle's most crucial role is to advice and support me and to stand by me even when I make a wrong decision. For more on the different roles of the husband and wife, read my sharing titled, "Man's Most Important Role" and "The Wife's Most Crucial Role".

Michelle and I are not perfect and are constantly working on making our relationship better. Put simply, there were and will be occasions when we are tempted to have our roles reversed. Some of these will be over simple issues, and others over serious ones. The important thing is how we manage such situations.

This is how Michelle and I have learned to manage our roles over the years; she does her best to help me make right decisions as the head and leader of the family. Even when I make a mistake, she stands by me without shooting me for not listening to her. As for me, I have learned to respect her advice and listen to her before making a decision.

We are careful not to allow our roles to reverse.

This cock continues to crow and his hen chips valuable advices faithfully to him!
 
Steven


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The Wife's Most Crucial Role

Since I posted my last blog, "Man's Most Important Role", my wife and I had several tiffs over the week. Nothing of the serious sorts but enough to cause us to momentarily vie off course in our relationship.

I set myself thinking of what I can share this week. Sharing a husband's view of the wife's most crucial role became the obvious answer ... with fresh practical experience! 

The adage, "Behind every successful man is a woman" is only half the story. If it were true, then every married man would have been successful. But we know that this is certainly far from the truth. So, it brings me to ask, "What kind of woman makes her man successful?"

So, here's my message for the wives - what can you do to make your man successful?

We all know that a successful leader, amongst other things, needs faithful and loyal supporters. They must always rally around him. They must believe in him, allow him the freedom to lead and help him to cover his weaknesses. They must respect him. They must forgive him when he makes mistakes. The supporters give their leader confidence and make him look good!

In the context of marriage and according to God's way, the husband is the head/leader of the union. The wife is to be his closest and most loyal supporter and follower. In my own experience, this is the most crucial role of a wife.

Wives, I want you to know this, that although we desire it a lot, the greatest need for men is not sex. Our greatest need is respect! This is how a man is created. Whether he clearly exhibits it or not, your man is wired to lead. And as your leader, he needs to be respected and affirmed.

Nothing pains a man more than not receiving support and affirmation from the one whom he loves. Worst still if he hears his wife constantly berating him, speaking down to or negatively about him.

Wives, let me tell you that negative words spoken about and to your husband are sure ways to destroy him. It may drive him to others who are willing to give him respect and speak sweetly to him. Be very aware not to set this trap for your marriage.

I thank God that my wife knows all these well. Over the years, she has learned that a confident and successful man has deep roots in a supportive, respectful and prayer wife.

This is not to say that we have marital bliss all the time. We so have our tiffs too. But in the bigger picture, she constantly demonstrates her unceasing support for me, gives me confidence through her respect and so makes me who I am today. And I am thankful to her for making me feel good!

How can a wife make her man successful? (Or cheekily restated, what are things that husbands dare not ask of their wives?) Try the followings:

1.   Respect - Fuel his leadership instinct. Make him feel that he is your God-given leader. You may not agree with him on all of his decisions, but there is no need to disagree with him and make a fuss over non-crucial issues. Make him look and feel good frequently and he will take more responsibilities to make crucial decisions confidently.

2.   Support - Believe in him and constantly tell him that you do, not just only for the major decisions that he has made. Affirm him at every opportunity. Your husband needs to hear words of affirmation constantly and it is especially gratifying to hear it from his wife! Start with affirmation over small things but do it often until it becomes a habit. You don't know how much that boosts a man.

3.   Speak well of him - Let him and others know how much you love, respect and support him. Let him be so proud to be around your children, in-laws, church mates, and friends by what you say of him. Start praising him over small things ... "my husband is a wonderful man ... he is a responsible father ..." Biblical principles say that the more you confess, the more he becomes!

4.   Pray for him - This is the root of a successful man; a wife who keeps her husband covered in prayer constantly. Truly, "if God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:21 NIV). Constantly praying for your man brings God into his life, and that brings success!

5.   Submit to him - Many women of this era disagree with this. They are wrong. God's truth is eternal. Wives submitting to their husbands is part of a holy matrimonial union (Eph 5:22-24), just as husbands are to love their wives with sacrificial love. Submitting to your husband means to let him have his way (yes, yes, when he is on the right path!), to follow his leadership, to trust him.

6.   Forgive him - Husbands are humans too. We make mistakes. When we do, forgive as you have been forgiven, especially when he realizes his mistake and asks for forgiveness. And, never ever bring up all that has been forgiven.

7.   Love him - Love your husband emotionally and sexually. Let there be intimacy in the spirit and in the body. Love fuels a man and gives him confidence to face his challenges, to recover from his battle and to receive strength to face the next day. While the greatest need of man is respect, a satisfying sexual relationship with his wife is the greatest stress buster.

Have you ever watched professional ball room dancing before? If not, do so and learn great truth from it. Meanwhile, let me share what makes a ball room dance so enjoyable to watch:

• The male dancer MUST always lead the dance. Every step and move is his responsibility and his alone. He decides when to move, when to halt, when to execute a posture and when not. There are several set pieces but he must be able to give the relevant signals to his partner by his body movement so that she can be in synchronization with his next step. 

• The female dancer MUST always FOLLOW the male's lead. There is no other way - this is ball-room dancing. She is to flow in one with the male as he leads. She cannot decide her own move. There is no negotiation, only submission so that the pair can glide through the ball room as one. She must support her man's every decision for the next move. No question asked. She must understand his signal for the next step to take. She is constantly focused on what he wants her to do next. She must be well versed with various possible set pieces and dutifully executes these when required.

• Both dancers must fundamentally follow the tempo of the music individually. If they don't, they do not have a dance. If they do, their movements are in synchronization and they become two bodies flowing as one in heavenly realm!

• Behind the beautiful dance are many hours of practice. Both the partners spend time and effort to refine and perfect their moves. They also get to know each other so very well that at the twitch of a finger, or a gesture of the body, they communicate clearly what is in their mind.

Wives, you surely play a crucial role in your husband's life!

Steven

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Man's Most Important Role

I always make couples who come to my marriage re-sparking weekend play a game together. They are given a 12-word puzzle to form a meaningful phrase. After several unsuccessful attempts, they will eventually converge to the following sentence:

"Woe to the house whose hen crows and the cock keeps quiet."

There will always be one or two couples who take a little longer time to understand this phrase and its implication. But as they ponder over it, the warning becomes clear.

Of all the roles that a man has to undertake from his first breathe to his last, the two most crucial ones are the roles of the husband and father. One cannot be a good father if he were not a good husband. And no man can be considered successful in any other endeavors in life if his relationship with his wife were broken.

A strong, loving and powerful family boils down to one element - the leadership of the head of the household. As husband, a man must take the spiritual leadership over his wife and provide the covering over her. As father, he must lead his children in the way in which they should go, teach them right values and establish their character.

This is the primal role for a man who has a family. He cannot delegate this role to his wife, to his parents or to the church leaders.

However, some men spend more time leading his workers, his company and even his church than leading his wife and children. There are those who give the reason that they have a wife who is hard to satisfy and wants all thing done only in her way. They are others who are simply "too busy with other important things" than to take the lead at home. On the other hand, there are wives who do not think highly enough of their husband's capability and simply takes over.

Herein lies the issue. When the hen crows regularly and the cock is silent, the spousal and family relationships can never be as loving, strong and powerful as it should be.

Man is created to be a leader. He is wired to lead. This particularly applies to his role in his family. Men must lead, but sadly, not all of them do, nor are willing to do so.

This reversal of role, or the abdication of the leadership and responsibilities of the man, was never meant to be. Man must regain his ordained position as head of the family and provide the spiritual, emotional and physical covering over his wife and children.

Similarly, woman must respect and support the man and free him to be the head of the family, even if her man were not as capable as she is.

Great lovers understand this principle. While submitting to each other out of a reverence for their Creator, they show love and respect to each other.

Set the order right in your relationship and see power flow through your family. Let the cock crow distinctively once again!

Steven


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