Minions' Two Golden Rules for A Happy Marriage

In researching and preparing for the last Lovers' Retreat two weeks ago, I found this funny notice.

These cannot be serious or realistic rules that any couple should live by. It sounds like a conspiracy of the Women's Lib Movement.  Pass it on? No way!

We are humans and humans have our basic rights. If we do not guard our rights, they would be taken away. So how can any men ever accept that their wife is always right? Especially when she may be wrong, sometimes? 

These rules are only meant for Minions in their cartoon world .... or is it?

Truth be told, I did give those rules some serious thoughts after the retreat. The more I thought about them, the more I begin to believe that they aren't totally out of place. In fact, with a little tweak, they can become a strong foundation for every couple who wants to have a Maximum Marriage. 

It is a small but crucial tweak, which changes the rules to these:

1.  Your spouse is always right.

2.  When you feel that he/she is wrong

slap yourself and 

read rule number 1 again.

These rules work especially well when differences and conflicts rear their ugly heads in our marital relationship. Our pride and ego, more often than not, urge us to go all out to win arguments and establish superiority over our spouse and by so doing, secure the position that confirms that we are right. Those actions usually lead to more arguments and loud quarrels or silent cold wars between spouses. And finally, the winner is ...... no one. But the losers are the couple and perhaps their children.

Every one who wants to have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage must learn to accept that life is not about always being right, I emphasize the word in italics because all too often being right merely means that we want to exert our rights. It is my right to be right!! We forget that fighting to be right,  even if we were right in the first place, does nothing positive to build our marriage. From the experiences of many couples, losing small individual battles can eventually win the war for the couple.

This is where  Minions' Two Golden (Tweaked) Rules will work to strengthen a marriage. Whenever a difference acts up or a potential conflict begins brewing, it does well for both parties to accept that their spouse is always right. If we forget rule #1, the we must slap our self and read rule #1 again. 

I am not advocating that accepting that our spouse is right at that moment means that there is no possibility that he or she is wrong. I am clearly saying that these rules help us to stand on a solid foundation to manage the conflict. This starting position dissipates the heat and anger of that moment. It retards and stops negative feelings building up in our head and heart. Further more, it stops cynical and critical words from firing off our mouth. This is a great combat quencher and almost always stops conflicts from becoming a war. It allows one or both parties to cool down and think rationally at the problem instead of simply being angry at their spouse. When heads are cool and hearts are soft, then, the couple can use conflict management steps to effectively resolve their differences.

So, Minion's Golden Rules to A Happy Marriage do work for humans ... provided both the spouses apply them equally.

Start applying and be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

God bless.

Steven

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How to select the best gift for your spouse for Christmas

You are reading this article probably because you are attracted by the title. And you won't be disappointed. Before I go on, let me congratulate you for wanting to select the best gift for your spouse. This is a good start!

The advertisements scream loudly, "Christmas is a season for giving .... Show your love with a perfect gift .... Diamond is your wife's best friend ...." The bottom line for the advertisers is to get you to buy something for your loved ones.

How do you select the best gift then?

The best gift is one that your spouse can feel most loved when he or she receives it. Wow, isn't this a given? Yes, but do you know what to give? You are probably not so sure, right? So here is my answer for you ....

Go back to the basics - give something in your spouse's love language. If it is:

a.  Receiving Gifts - Buy presents for him/her, consider something useful or of sentimental value.

b.  Quality Time - Make an effort to plan and spend "couple-alone" time during the holidays (and often)... send the kids away or go away for a "just-the-two-of-us" weekend.

c.  Acts of Service - Do something that he/she normally does eg., cook and wash the dishes for her, clean up the house and the car for him, run the errands that he/she normally does.

d.  Words of Affirmation - Speak well of your spouse, especially in front of your children and others, deliberately look out for the good things he/she did and heap praises and say how much you appreciate him/her.

e.  Physical Touch -  Hug and kiss lots, give him/her a massage, initiate sex and show him/her how much you enjoy it.

So you see, the best gift for the season (and every day else) is not necessarily something that you can buy from the shops. It is the one that your spouse can perceive your love from.

 (If you are not aware of your spouse's love language, get him/her to tell you or take a free online test at www.fivelovelanguages.com and find out.)

Give the gift of true love to your spouse and have a blessed Christmas .... 

God bless.

Steven

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The Importance Of Investing In Each Other

For almost 10 years now, we planned on going for a cruise holiday. Michelle and I finally did it. We spent 3 weeks of May on a cruise liner, sailing through the Baltic Sea and exploring the Nordic States, St Petersburg and Amsterdam.

Before we signed up for our maiden cruise, some people warned that not everyone could enjoy a cruise holiday, especially when it is a long one. Others remarked that we would be bored with each other with so many days at sea. I am glad that all those dreadful “warnings” did not stop us from signing up.

The sun setting over the Baltic Sea, at 10.30pm

And what is our verdict of a cruise holiday? It was an amazing time for Michelle and I. We had a wonderful time, not just enjoying the journey but more significantly, enjoying each other's company over so many days. We didn't want to it to end ....

During our time on board the ship, we made friends with many couples. It was not difficult to strike up conversations with them over meals, coffee time and during shore excursions. All those "veterans of cruises" had something in common - they were on the cruise by themselves and have been married for more than 35 years (to the same person, of course). Some of them said that they have been on more than 15 cruises together over the years and they loved them all.

All of these couples said that they were simply enjoying their private time together after many years of building their career and family. More importantly, they said that it was not about enjoying a holiday or the luxury of the cruise ship, but was about being able to enjoy life with each other!

The magnificent fountains of Peterhof, St Petersburg

Similarly, Michelle and I spent hours daily enjoying the shore excursions visiting ancient towns, beautiful cathedrals and opulent palaces from Estonia to St Petersburg (The Peterhorf Palace was truly magnificent). We drank vodka at the Ice Bar in Finland and walked the streets of historical cities of Germany, Denmark and Sweden. During sea days, we danced, listened to lectures on the history of the countries we would visit, chit chatted, watched the nightly live shows, drank lots of coffee and tea, spent hours over romantic dinners and in each other’s embrace night after night. There was no time for boredom because we enjoyed each of those activities together. In essence, we were able to enjoy because we enjoy each other’s company more than anything else.

What has it got to do with Investing In Each Other?  Everything!

Tulips in bloom at Keukenhof, Amsterdam

We, like the many other veteran cruise couples, have chosen to invest in our marriage during the years when we were building career, wealth and family.  While working hard, we did not neglect our relationship with each other. We spent time to plough and fertilize our emotional intimacy, regularly watered and fueled our sexual intimacy and more importantly prune our spiritual relationship together. After many years working at building our relationship, I can vouch that there is no other way than to invest love, time and effort in each other to reach this blissful state of relationship.

Some of our "investments" activities included:

• Having regular dates throughout our marriage.
• Accepting each other, especially the flaws. 
• Looking out for good and positive things to say to each other.
• Speaking well of each other, especially in front of our children and others.
• Being there for the other to cry on and to laugh with.
• Giving each other the highest priority, even over our children.  

You may not be planning a cruise holiday soon. You may not be experiencing a totally enjoyable relationship with your spouse yet. It is never too late to start. Invest your love, time and effort to build your relationship with each other. As you keep at doing it,  you will begin to enjoy life because you will learn to enjoy each other, more than any of the activities and material things.

Start your transformation from being husband and wife to be lovers for life. Start by investing in each other.

Be a better lover, today!

Steven

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Of Honey Bees and Buzzard Flies

At a recent marriage enrichment talk that we conducted, Michelle offered a piece of advice to the wives (works the same for the husbands too).

She said that buzzard flies always go in search for dead animals. When they find a decaying carcass, they will gorge themselves on it, devouring the meat to the bare bones.

On the other hand, honey bees only look for sweet nectar. God created them such that they can discriminate the best flowers in the garden to suck up the sweetness.

Honey bees produce honey combs, providing honey which is good for health. Buzzard flies produce nothing except the disgusting sight of them devouring the decomposed carcass. They also carry diseases that hurt human beings.

Buzzard flies and honey bees always find what they are looking for. This is the law of nature!

In the same way, we will always find what we are looking for in our spouse. If you are looking for faults, you will surely find them. If you are looking for the goodness in your spouse, you will also surely find them.

The buzzard flies and honey bees do not have the ability to choose what they want to find. That's how they are created. But we do, that's how we are created - we have the ability to choose.

Quoting from God's Little Devotional Book for Couples (Honor Books), Michelle gave a simple but most appropriate advice to the wives at that talk:

"To his virtues be very kind.

To his faults be a little blind."

So, choose if you want to be a buzzard fly or a honey bee. Michelle and I have chosen.

Be a better lover, today - start to look for the goodness in your lover and you will be surprised how much you can find. Savour it, for it will be like honey to you.

Steven

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A Crucial Question Seldom Asked

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

Albert Einstein

"So, why do you want to get married?"

 

When I proposed to Michelle more than 32 years ago, I did not ask myself this fundamental question. Neither did I ask her.

After all, we had courted for more than 5 years and we thought that we loved each other very much. So getting married was a natural and rightful progression. There was no drama in my proposal. I simply asked her, "Shall we get married?". And she replied, "Yes!"

I think many couples may be like us. They do not really know the anchoring reason for getting married. Some wiser ones might have pondered over this before making their commitment to marry. But they could have forgotten it over the years.

Not knowing the anchoring reason to get married certainly did not help Michelle and I in our journey as a couple.

Let me share our story.

18 months into our union and when Michelle was pregnant with our first child, a variant of that question came up. While we were quarreling over an issue, one of us uttered, "Since we are so unhappy, let's get a divorce".

Following that, the fundamental question that we did not ask ourselves before we got married mutated to, "Why did I marry you in the first place?" Ugly and painful thoughts pierced our mind and tears flowed from our eyes.
  
I thank God that we did not go beyond angrily uttering those dreadful words of separation. That was the last time ever that we have that terrible thought. I am glad and thankful to God that we did not only survive that storm, we live to tell you what we have done to prevent this from ever happening in a marriage.

Sometime ago, I asked her this question again. She said that she married me because she loves me. While I am happy to hear that, I thought she needed a better reason if she wanted to stay married to me for life.

What if, for some reasons, I become less lovable or she doesn't love me any more? Does that mean that she won't want to stay married to me for the rest of her life?

It set us thinking.

So, why did we marry each other in the first place? What is that one pivotal reason we must always remember, such that in the good and the bad times of our relationship, will provide a formidable anchor to keep our marriage intact?

The question for us was appropriately refined to, "Why do we want to stay married to one another?"

Michelle and I dug deep individually to find that reason. We came up with more than one reason each and interestingly, without conferring with each other, we arrived at three similar reasons:-

#1 - We believe that it is God who has given us one to another.

This is the most important reason. Believing this compels us to agree that there is no one better to be our partner for life. So, everyone else is only second best.

More importantly, we acknowledge that we are in a tripartite union, Michelle, I and God. Surely what God has joined together, no man shall separate. No man includes us!

#2 - We truly love each other and want to grow old together. In no other arms do we want to die in.

We fell in love more than 35 years ago. Then, we grew in love for the last 35 years. We truly love one another and want to be together till death separates us.

Remembering this constantly gives Michelle and I the motivation to live each day as loving as we can be, even on those days that we are not as lovable as we should be.

#3 - As a couple, we are in God's master plan to bring the people of the world to a reconciled relationship with Him.

This is our service as a couple to our Creator and to the people we love.  For this, we are motivated to look beyond each other's failures, selfishness, bad habits and even idiosyncrasies. We share a greater cause. Having God's big picture edged into our hearts, we are energized to love each other more, especially at times when we face challenges in our relationship.

Michelle and I found our reasons for wanting to stay married to one another. We constantly remind ourselves of these reasons. We know that we want to and will stay happily married despite challenging times ahead.

We know deep in our hearts why we got married and want to stay married to each other for life.

I urge you to dig deep and know why you want to stay married to your spouse and keep reminding yourself of this reason so that you can be the great lover.

Steven

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A Bachelor's Instructions on the Married Life

It is unusual to have a bachelor to talk about the married life, let alone give instructions. It is also unusual, and may even be audacious to some of you, that I should listen to him. But I am glad that I did! What that bachelor told me certainly contributed to a great marital relationship for Michelle and I.

I believe that his instructions will definitely benefit any couple who is willing to put them into practice.

Paul, whom I first got acquainted with some 35 years ago, was a bachelor for his whole life. Not that he wasn't straight or that he didn't like women, he had a reason which he considered as noble for remaining single. He wanted to concentrate on a cause that he was so passionate about that he thought that having a family would hamper it.

Still, Paul was a wise man and many of his friends went to him for counsel. In his last years, he specifically gave advice to married couples. Those advice helped Michelle and I tremendously as we build our marriage and family. I want to share them with you.

Interestingly, that bachelor boy told us that marriage came with, not just responsibilities but, duties. I remember clearly when he said, "Steven, you must always fulfill your duty as a husband to Michelle and likewise, Michelle, as his wife, you must always fulfill your duty to Steven."

But it was what he next said to us transformed our attitude, especially towards sex.

"Michelle," Paul firmly but gently said, "I want to tell you that you have no authority over your body after you made the decision to marry this man. On that day at the altar when you agreed to be his wife, you have decided to yield your body to Steven. Remember that well."

Wow, Paul was my man!

Momentarily, I thought that Michelle might have suspected that I had coerced my friend into saying those words. But before I could finish my thought, Paul looked me in the eyes and continued, "Steven, in the same way, you do not have authority over your own body. You must yield it to Michelle."

On deeper reflection, we realized that Paul was telling us that in the institution of marriage, mutual yielding is preeminent and the essence for building a meaningful, enjoyable and powerful marital relationship.

Foregoing the ownership of our body and yielding it to our spouse is only the very base of this set of instructions. Yielding and giving up of our "rights"to our spouse is the ultimate goal, and it includes yielding our emotions, dreams, desires, habits, pet peeves and many other self-indulgent things!

Over the years that we have been married, every quarrel that we have had found its root to one of us not willing to yield to the other; we vehemently guarded our old way of life, we refused to surrender our positions or beliefs, we thought more highly of ourself than of the other, we did not want to give in - we simply did not want to yield to one another!

I must say that it is not easy to yield. Absolutely not. The common dictionary defines yield in the following two ways:

to give up, as to superior power or authority,

to give up, or surrender oneself.

Both these definitions center on the giving up of one's rights to a superior authority. My friend, Paul, in his wisdom, addressed that clearly when he said that I did not have authority over my own body but I must surrender it to Michelle and vice versa. Such great wisdom from a bachelor!

Now, let's talk about the yielding of our body to each other, in simple terms, having sex.

Men and women are naturally attracted to the opposite sex. For the men, physical attraction is usually the starting point; men's eyes behold beauty rather "blindly". That said, there are many men who are attracted to a woman's intellect, compassion, sense of adventure and the likes. 

For the women, feeling of love, being loved and being protected precede physical attraction. Still, the attraction will eventually lead to a physical expression of intimacy and consummation. This is how the Creator made us and intended it to be ... "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." and "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

For this reason, Michelle and I have learned to yield our body to each other. We constantly satisfy each other's sexual needs, to give each other pleasure, I for her and she for me. 

But sex is not all that there is between us.

By learning to yield our body to each other, we also learned to yield our emotions, personal dreams, desires, finance, recreation, habits and other such "rights" to each other. We don't do things out of selfish desire but with consideration of the other, well, we do this most of the time since we are not perfect creatures yet.

Our reward - an enjoyable and endearing relationship that we want to go on and on till we leave each other in death.

Great lovers yield themselves to one another.

Steven

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When Love Speaks A Different Language

“How come you don’t love me anymore?”  Soo Eng questioned Eng Kiong.

“I have constantly told you that I love you, how come you say that I don’t love you? Can’t you see my love? I have bought you so many presents.” Eng Kiong retorted.

Soo Eng gave him no chance to continue, “But I don’t feel your love, I don’t care for the presents you have given me. All I want is some time with you alone.”

“Am I not spending time with you now?” Eng Kiong replied, getting frustrated.

During chat sessions with couples, I heard many of them expressing sentiments similar to Soo Eng and Eng Kiong. More often than not, their problem is not the lost of love for each other. In fact, they still truly love one another and “express” their love to one another frequently. However, love expressed but not received equals no love expressed!

This happens when love speaks a different language.

Michelle and I took Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages seriously. We fully subscribe to his teaching and we practice “speaking” the right love language to each other daily.

If your spouse complains that you are not showering him or her with love when you think that you have been doing it constantly, go read that book immediately. It will do wonders for your love life as it did for Michelle and I, and for the many couples whom I have introduced it to.

For those who are yet unexposed to love languages, let me quickly summarize what Gary teaches. Humans respond to different expressions of love and Gary names five:

• Words of Affirmation.
• Acts of Service. 
• Receiving Gifts.
• Quality Time.
• Physical Touch.

Each of us has an innate way of feeling loved and thus expresses love in the same way to others. For example, my innate love language is words of affirmation. It simply means that I will feel that I am loved if someone spoke words that affirm me or words that fuel my self-esteem.

So, if Michelle says to me, “Steven, you are great and I am so proud of you,” I feel loved. For the same reason, I will naturally express my love to Michelle by saying words of affirmation to her. I do so because that is what I think will express my love for her. It is a bit myopic but most of us are like that; living life with the filter of our heart.

The problem arises if Michelle’s love language is anything else but words of affirmation. Let’s say that her love language was physical touch, which means that she will feel loved if I held her hands, hugged her or gave a pat on her shoulder. If that is how she feels loved, then no matter how much I shower her with words of affirmation or buy her presents, it will not make her feel that I love her.

The only way then, is for me to express my love for her physically. In the same way, she must express her love to me with words that affirm me. Only then, will the two of us feel that we love each other.

Thankfully for the both of us, our top two languages of love happen to be the same – Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. And so, we encourage each other a lot with good words and we give each other strong physical expressions constantly – we even hold hands to sleep!

One husband came to me and said that his wife has been asking him to go for supper after the children were put to bed. He is not in the habit of taking supper and has rejected her many requests. But one night, he finally relented. What he could not fathom is that when he finally brought his wife out for supper, she said she was not hungry and did not want to eat. He got quite frustrated with that.

I told him to check what her love language was. I suggested to him that it was Quality Time and her request to have supper with him is really a cry to have quality time with him. He and his wife did the test and it showed exactly that. And since understanding what would make her feel loved, he has been spending quality time with her. He told me recently that they are much happier now.

Do you want to discover what you and your spouse’s love languages are? Go take an online test at www.5lovelanguages.com and find out immediately. Do the test together with your spouse and learn together what love languages do you speak.

And once you know your spouse’s love language, start to “speak” it to him/her immediately. I will guarantee you that by so doing, you will experience an immediate improvement in your relationship and it will save you a lot of unnecessary pains and troubles.

Let not your love speak a different language.

Love must be celebrated!

It was Michelle’s birthday last Thursday.

I took the day off to celebrate with her. We have simple pleasures. Our celebration started with as session of foot reflexology at our favorite joint in Chinatown in the morning, followed by a couple’s lunch and a few hours of shopping at Centrepoint, where she bought me more things that I bought her. The family celebrated with a dinner at the Mezzanine at The Grand Hyatt.

That morning, I woke up very early and went to the wet market with a single-minded and passionate mission of buying a bouquet of flowers for her.

Michelle loves flowers. And I love to give her flowers, especially on her birthday and on our wedding anniversary. I know she loves receiving my flowers every time. 

I have been giving her flowers for more than 35 years.

During our courting days, it was usually a stock of rose. That was what I could afford then. When I started earning, I offered small bouquets of roses. Carnations and lilies became popular when she became a mom. I would make sure (and still do), that she would get a bouquet of nice flowers on each of her birthday.

To celebrate our love, I would give roses to her on our wedding anniversary. The bouquet got bigger each year; each would hold as many roses as the number of years we are married. My last bouquet had 29 red roses and 1 white one in the center.

Amongst many other reasons, she loves me for my consistency in this.
 

Michelle received another bouquet of flowers that afternoon. It was delivered by a courier. The card that accompanied the bouquet read –

“Happy Birthday Mom!

Have not forgotten the date and

remembering (it) from Sweden.

Love, Nat

It was from Nathaniel, our son who is in Sweden doing his university exchange semester. Michelle was elated.

The family celebrated her birthday; Natalie and Darrell (eldest daughter and son-in-law) bought the family dinner. Our youngest daughter, Natalina, bought Michelle a pair of beautiful earrings.

I am so glad that I was able to influence my children to celebrate love just as well. Needless to say, what they did delighted Michelle so much that her face shone into the night.

Love must be celebrated – celebrate it often!

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Don't say what should not be said

Michelle said some things to me last week that she shouldn't have said. Thank God that she realized her folly and quickly apologized. I don't think that I need to tell you that some of those words could have hurt me deeply.

Well, I must say that I didn't get hurt because I applied my "Hear what should be heard" filter. If I didn't do that, I would probably have gotten hurt, angry and would likely have retaliated with equal carelessness.

When was the last time that happened to you and your spouse? I mean when one or both of you said something to each other that you didn't really mean but were hurtful. I am sure that neither of you enjoyed those moments.

There were times when I was also guilty of saying things to Michelle that I shouldn't have said at all. But thank God, we have learned to handle such situations rather successfully.

Beyond having good communication skills, spouses need to be extremely mindful as to what they should not say to one another. This is more important than giving praises to and speaking positively of one another. Yes, there are many things that lovers should not say to each other at all. But in reality, we carelessly do, opening potential flash points in our relationship.

Now, I am not talking about sweeping those difficult but necessary conversations below the carpet. That won't do; they will surely come back to haunt you later. Instead, I am addressing careless, angry and inconsiderate words that fly out of an untamed tongue. I am talking about words that distort our good intentions. This happens when we choose the wrong words, use the wrong tones and/or the wrong body language to convey our message.

There is a great proverb that puts this aptly ...

                 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

How true this is! A harsh word, even unintended, always stirs up anger. To be a good lover, I learned that if there is nothing better to say, say nothing. Believe me, it will save you lots of hurt, trouble and maybe even save your marriage.

Good lovers not only know how to hear what should be heard, they also don't say what shouldn't be said. Practice these two exercise daily and seem them work wonders for your relationship!

Steven

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Help!

"All couples need help to strengthen their spousal relationship."

Does this statement surprise you? It should not. Michelle and I do...all the time!

We are humans. We make mistakes. We lose control of our emotion, tongue and head sometimes, maybe a little too often for some. But we all do. When that happens, many couples get hurt. Sharp words cut, inappropriate reactions add to the pain, and the relationship is strained.

Some couples take their quarrels in their stride. Some try to resolve it by themselves. Some resign to the belief that life is hard. Yet some others add more fuel to their differences and quarrel more. Despite the different treatments, there is one thing for sure - we can overcome the problem easier if we had some form of help.

Like many couples in the early years of marriage, Michelle and I had to deal with various issues that are common to newly weds. We had then tried to resolve them on our own as we did not know who to turn to for help. While we thank God that we did come through successfully, it took us a lot more effort to do so. And we could have given up on our marriage then.

But I remember those times when we had help from those who cared; we were able to recover and reconcile quickly and even grew closer. It was then that we realized how important it was to have someone whom we can look up to, talk to and help us to resolve our differences.

We have since build up relationships with a couple of close friends whom we can share our problems with, pray together and keep a look out for each other in our walk. Michelle and I have also become close friends and accountability partners with various couples, allowing them to share their problems with us, helping them in their quarrels, pacifying, soothing and helping them to reconcile.

The bottom line is this; we all need help from others to ensure that our marital relationship grow strong and steady. There is one thing for sure - problems will crop up again and again, and when we cannot cope by our self, having help from those who care will keep us from straying into marital discord.

Find yourself a couple whom both of you can trust and relate to, and whom you can rely on for help. Ask them to be your marriage accountability partner, to give encouragement and support when you hit a problem that both you and your spouse cannot resolve. The support you get from them will be a big help to keep your marital relationship going well.

God bless.

Steven

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Man's Most Important Role

I always make couples who come to my marriage re-sparking weekend play a game together. They are given a 12-word puzzle to form a meaningful phrase. After several unsuccessful attempts, they will eventually converge to the following sentence:

"Woe to the house whose hen crows and the cock keeps quiet."

There will always be one or two couples who take a little longer time to understand this phrase and its implication. But as they ponder over it, the warning becomes clear.

Of all the roles that a man has to undertake from his first breathe to his last, the two most crucial ones are the roles of the husband and father. One cannot be a good father if he were not a good husband. And no man can be considered successful in any other endeavors in life if his relationship with his wife were broken.

A strong, loving and powerful family boils down to one element - the leadership of the head of the household. As husband, a man must take the spiritual leadership over his wife and provide the covering over her. As father, he must lead his children in the way in which they should go, teach them right values and establish their character.

This is the primal role for a man who has a family. He cannot delegate this role to his wife, to his parents or to the church leaders.

However, some men spend more time leading his workers, his company and even his church than leading his wife and children. There are those who give the reason that they have a wife who is hard to satisfy and wants all thing done only in her way. They are others who are simply "too busy with other important things" than to take the lead at home. On the other hand, there are wives who do not think highly enough of their husband's capability and simply takes over.

Herein lies the issue. When the hen crows regularly and the cock is silent, the spousal and family relationships can never be as loving, strong and powerful as it should be.

Man is created to be a leader. He is wired to lead. This particularly applies to his role in his family. Men must lead, but sadly, not all of them do, nor are willing to do so.

This reversal of role, or the abdication of the leadership and responsibilities of the man, was never meant to be. Man must regain his ordained position as head of the family and provide the spiritual, emotional and physical covering over his wife and children.

Similarly, woman must respect and support the man and free him to be the head of the family, even if her man were not as capable as she is.

Great lovers understand this principle. While submitting to each other out of a reverence for their Creator, they show love and respect to each other.

Set the order right in your relationship and see power flow through your family. Let the cock crow distinctively once again!

Steven


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Intimacy over Money Matters

When Michelle and I were courting, we deliberately opened a joint savings account in which we deposited a part of our monthly salary. This was in preparation for our marriage. Little did we realize that we were beginning on a journey of building financial intimacy into our future lives.

The phrase "financial intimacy" was introduced to me two years ago when I met Dr Wayde Goodall, Founder of Worldwide Family, Inc and Dean, College of Ministry, Northwest University in Seattle.

Like many of you, I never thought that there is such a thing as intimacy in financial matters between my wife and I. Intimacy, after all, is almost always associated with the sexual aspects. The dictionary defines it as "close familiarity or friendship; closeness". But think again, why shouldn't there be close familiarity on how you and your spouse handle finances?

Many couples quarrel over money, both for the lack of it and when there is too much. What an irony!

Many marriage counselors attest that while many couples quarrel over money, the real issue is not in the pieces of paper called money itself. Money is merely a tool for accomplishing one's life goals.

There is apt Chinese saying "钱不是万能，但没钱就万万不能“， which literally means that while money can't buy you everything, one can't buy anything without money.

Money is essential and is surely needed to fulfill our needs and wants. And that is why many couples quarrel over it.

But let me submit to you that the real issue of those quarrels is that the couple did not consider each other in the use of their money (notice that I used the word "their"). This is the same whether they have too little or too much money.

Right from the beginning of our relationship, Michelle and I adopted the attitude that all that we have belongs to the both of us. Therefore, there is a responsibility to each other on how to use those assets. We have maintained an intimate transparency over our finances from the very start of our lives together.

Since the establishment of our first joint savings account, we continued to operate only joint accounts. There are two exceptions; one that she used to receive commissions from a company she worked for and one that I was forced to have in order to receive my NS pay from the SAF when I was first conscripted). However, almost 100% of our money is in joint accounts, which Michelle and I can withdraw from individually.

I have heard a rich man telling me he does not agree to have his money in a joint account with his wife because his wife will know how rich he is. He is worried that his wife will then ask for lots of money from him.

I have also heard a number of women saying that they must have their own "secret" account so as to be independent, just in case.....

The fundamental issue under-pinning these beliefs boils down to just one word - trust, or rather the lack of it, in each other. This is the crux of the matter when a couple quarrels over finances.

Michelle and I love each other to the point that we can totally trust each other with everything. My money is her money and her money is my money. While we do not discuss and debate over every thing that we want to spend on, we are always mindful of each other when we need to spend our money. And we do discuss whenever we need to spend on any big-ticket items.

There is transparency and intimacy in the way we handle our finances. And I firmly believe that this is the reason why Michelle and I never quarrel over finances.

There is indeed such a thing called "financial intimacy". It is real and it is very helpful for building a great marriage relationship because the matter at the heart of this is really the trust in one another.

Great lovers must trust each other, and trusting each other over financial matters is a sure pillar for a great marriage. Believe me, I have more than 30 years of experience!

Steven


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Accepting and Reconciling Differences

For the first 12 years in our marriage, I was a young and highflying military officer in the SAF. The discipline and training taught me to resolve problems quickly by planning and executing orders through a proper chain of command.

As you might have guessed, I applied the same concept for handling differences between Michelle and I in the first few years of my marriage. Much to my chagrin then, I failed miserably. Then I turned to the Father’s word for help.

One of the most applicable biblical instructions I found for handling conflict and promoting reconciliation is in Ephesians 5:22-33. The NIV bible titled this section as “Instructions for Christian households.” The verses that caught my eyes were, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” and “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the … to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word … “

For many years after, I mistakenly believed that it is Michelle’s duty to submit to me first and then mine to love her. Often times when we quarreled, I would preach Paul’s “emphasis” on this sequence. I was rather eloquent at preaching this, just like the Pharisee of old. As you would have expected, that did not work and many times we ended up as a husband without a wife’s submission and a wife without her husband’s love. How silly we were then!

Submission is one of the most difficult things for any human being. Many believe that submission strips a person of his dignity and forces one to give up his rights. This is especially difficult for a man who has been told that he is the head of the family. Submission to his wife can hit hard into the epicenter of his ego. But thanks be to God, I finally learnt that mutual submission is a fundamental requirement for a meaningful relationship between two persons.

Let’s revisit Paul’s instructions for Christian households in Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV. This time, I would like us to read one verse before that:-

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” 

With this overarching instruction, “Wives, submit to your own husbands…” (Eph 5:22 NIV) becomes, “Husbands, submit to your own wives as well…”

Michelle and I understand submission as accepting each other’s weaknesses, differences and even idiosyncrasies. It is about esteeming higher and giving loving consideration to the other person, in true love, so as to build a strong relationship.

Submission is about giving up my rights to Michelle so that both of us can live in harmony. It is the same for her. That is why Paul exhorts mutual submission. You may say, “How can I submit to my husband/wife when he/she does not deserve it?” Or, “I cannot keep submitting, he/she will exploit my kindness and treat it as my weakness.”

My answer is simply this; Jesus faced the same situation. On the cross, He hung in total submission to God and seemingly to those who caused His crucification. Voluntarily, He gave up His rights. We are redeemed by what our Great Lover had done. That is why Paul exhorts us to submit to one another out of reverence for Him.

After being married for 30 years, Michelle and I still have our differences. What has changed, however, is in the way that we handle our differences in comparison to our earlier years. We have not given up all our idiosyncrasies yet. There are things that we still do not agree with one another. But we don’t quarrel anymore when these shortcomings act up on us.

By God’s grace, Michelle and I have deliberately decided to mutually submit to each other out of our reverence for Christ. This is the fuel for our harmonious relationship, which also creates the platform for unity in our family. Our relationship has never been better and we know that it will be still better tomorrow.

Mutually submitting to one another works very well for us. Try it for yourself.

Great lovers give up their rights for the love of their lover!

Steven

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Don't Be Great Parents but Lousy Lovers

A young mother posted a picture on her Facebook page in which she captioned, “Our night life”. The picture depicted a couple sleeping one on each side of their bed and with their newborn lying horizontally between them. Their position represented the letter H. (The artist expresses that the position of the family formed a letter “H” which stands for Hell.)

First, I thought it was funny and cheeky. But when I gave it more thought, it struck me that this could lead to a serious marital problem.

I have heard from a number of couples that their relationship and intimacy with each other went downhill after having their first child. Mainly, the wives began to focus much of their energy and attention on their children, so much to the extent that some even chide their husbands for not understanding their behaviour at times.

Bringing up children robs many couples of their intimacy and relationship with one another. Understandably, both parents get very excited over the miracle that have been created through their sexual union. For most women, their maternal instinct kicks in, suddenly taking control of their life – sometimes so strongly that she forgets that she is still a wife.

For some, the tremendous changes to a woman’s body brought about by child-bearing make them feel less attractive or desirable about themselves. And for others, just coping with a newborn simply zaps up all energy so much so that intimacy with her husband does not appear on the “To Do” list.

Some husbands find the change in the behavior of their wives rather difficult to accept. Having less time and attention for each other make matters worse. Parenting for the first time can take a heavy toil on the spousal relationship.

However, it need not be that way.

When Natalie was born, Michelle and I aspired to be good parents. Yet, we knew that life was not going to be the same as before. Gone were the intimate days where we were able to do lots of things together as a couple as we now had to consider one more person. As much as we were still deeply in love with one another, gone – albeit for a while – was our intimacy.

Much of our time was spent with Natalie in her early years. Before she turned five, Nathaniel came along and Natalina followed 18 months later. Within the span of just eight years, we had expanded our family to a party of five.

Like most parents, we spent a great amount of time nurturing and growing with our children. Michelle and I truly enjoyed our time with them – from playing, teaching, disciplining, to guiding and establishing them.

Michelle is a great mother with a strong maternal instinct. Being a naturally very protective mother, she channeled lots of her attention and energy toward our children. And even though the way Michelle exudes her motherly love to our children had gotten me feeling naively jealous at times, I learned to be understanding as a husband, and helped out with the baby caring whenever I can.

Though her body had changed, I assured Michelle of her attractiveness. Literally, I courted her back to intimacy.

Our focus on our children went on for many more years. Michelle and I were married for more than 20 years before our children required less of our attention.

But I thank God that through those years, Michelle and I never forgot one another. While much attention was given to our three adorable children, we deliberately found time for ourselves. We realized that we could only become great parents if our relationship was top notched.

We had to deliberately find ways to recharge and refresh our relationship. And we had to deliberately take care to be intimate with each other in order to continue to be in love with one another. We worked on being the great lover to one another.

The word is “deliberate”. If we had not been deliberate, we would not have the energy, desire and time for one another.

A husband who does not love his wife cannot be a great father. And similarly, a wife who does not submit to her husband cannot be a great mother.

Spouses who have no time for each other cannot be good parents.

Spouses who have no more desire for each other – physically or emotionally – cannot be great lovers.

Michelle’s and my message to you is simply this – do not let your children rob you of your intimacy with one another. Deliberately build your relationship with one another and for another.

Only great lovers make great parents! 

Steven

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Refreshing Each Other Always

Do you remember the excitement during the early days of your marriage? Do you remember the rush of adrenaline as you gazed into your spouse’s eyes? And do you remember the pleasure as you stole glances at your spouse? Or the joy of hearing his/her voice over the telephone? Or that racing heartbeat when you touched one another?

For many couples, with the passing of time and growing familiarity, the marriage loses its sparkle. Glances that used to speak love may degenerate to expressions of displeasure. That voice that spoke sweet nothing can become a channel of monotonic and monosyllabic exchange for necessity. Touches no longer produce the same excitement or arousal and do not elicit satisfying emotional responses any more.

Then there are the usual pressures. The world is not a haven for lovers; external stresses act against your marriage. Conflicts set in. You lose your tenderness for your spouse and the joy of marriage is lost. Your marriage is no longer fresh.

Every marriage must remain fresh all the time. Is it possible?

Michelle and I have the experience to affirm that this is absolutely possible. By God’s grace, we live it!

We believe that God intends for us to be the other’s haven. We certainly do not consider the world to be our haven. Neither are friends, including best ones. We are each other’s haven. That is how God created us to be. He designed Eve to be Adam’s helpmate, to satisfy him. Eve is for Adam to love and protect, to be “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…” (Genesis 2:18,23).

It is our duty to deliberately refresh our relationship constantly. Refresh is, to keep fresh – profound? I don’t think so. It is as simple as being deliberate about keeping our passion and desire for each other constantly fresh and strong.

How do we do that? We constantly replay those first thrills, make effort to fuel the excitement of our sexual union, take the time to enjoy the pleasure of being in each others' embrace, remembering the commitment we made at the altar and offer each other the safety of a true confidante!

Michelle and I refresh each other with positive words and expressions too. We do that a lot.  I learn this from King Solomon and his Shulammite bride. Let’s have a peep at some of their exchanges in Song of Solomon 3-4:

“All night long on my bed, I looked for the one my heart loves…”

“My dove in the clefts of the rock…show me your face…let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.”

“How beautiful you are, my darling! …Your eyes … are doves…your hair … like a flock of goats … your teeth … lips … temples … neck … two breasts … you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes…”

As we focus constantly on each others' positive traits, we fan our desire for each other. This in turn renews and refreshes our relationship. When we do this constantly, we feel totally safe in each other; we become each others' safe haven. We are able to rise above the pressures and stresses that the world puts upon us.

Solomon considered his bride as refreshing as “a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.” (Song 4:15)   

If you keep such loving thoughts and speak them to your spouse daily, your relationship with one another will always be on fire!

Be determine to refresh your lover and your lover will respond in kind.

Indeed, great lovers refresh each other constantly. 

God bless.

Steven

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Trust me, there’s no secret between us

Michelle and I are advocates of the principle of “having no secrets between spouses”. And yes, this means we tell each other everything.

Many couples do not believe that this is possible.

“Surely there must be something that you have kept or want to keep from each other,” they say, “because it is impossible to tell each other everything.”

Well, there both truth and mis-truth in this statement. Let me explain.

There is a big difference between forgetfulness and intentional with holding of information between the husband and wife. It has to do with the attitude. The attitude for Michelle and I is clearly that we intend never to keep any thing secret from each other.  

While there were occasions when we forgot to tell the other some things, but because both of us have this clear intention edged in our hearts, we know that those were not intentional secrets.

Keeping no secret from each other is an expression of the trust we have built up in each other over the years. This trust eliminates every reason for us to keep anything from each other. Anything really means everything - things good, bad, joyful, sad, ambition, fear, temptation, sinful thought.

This same trust allows us to share with each other confidently, with no fear of ridicule or condemnation.

 “But what if my wife/husband is not as understanding?”

“I am too embarrassed to tell him/her of this.”

“Surely there must be something that I have the right to keep to myself!”

I urge you to review such thoughts and quickly realize that they are really barriers to a trusting relationship with your spouse. Trust is one of the must important pillars of great lovers in a great marriage. A trusting spousal relationship must have no secret between the couple.

Trust is never a given. Great lovers work on building their trust in each other and for each other constantly. They seek to give each other the benefit of doubt and refrain from any ridicule and condemnation, giving the other the confidence to confide in or share all things.

So, trust me, there is no secret between great lovers!

I urge you to keep working at building your trust in and for each other.

Steven