Minions' Two Golden Rules for A Happy Marriage

In researching and preparing for the last Lovers' Retreat two weeks ago, I found this funny notice.

These cannot be serious or realistic rules that any couple should live by. It sounds like a conspiracy of the Women's Lib Movement.  Pass it on? No way!

We are humans and humans have our basic rights. If we do not guard our rights, they would be taken away. So how can any men ever accept that their wife is always right? Especially when she may be wrong, sometimes? 

These rules are only meant for Minions in their cartoon world .... or is it?

Truth be told, I did give those rules some serious thoughts after the retreat. The more I thought about them, the more I begin to believe that they aren't totally out of place. In fact, with a little tweak, they can become a strong foundation for every couple who wants to have a Maximum Marriage. 

It is a small but crucial tweak, which changes the rules to these:

1.  Your spouse is always right.

2.  When you feel that he/she is wrong

slap yourself and 

read rule number 1 again.

These rules work especially well when differences and conflicts rear their ugly heads in our marital relationship. Our pride and ego, more often than not, urge us to go all out to win arguments and establish superiority over our spouse and by so doing, secure the position that confirms that we are right. Those actions usually lead to more arguments and loud quarrels or silent cold wars between spouses. And finally, the winner is ...... no one. But the losers are the couple and perhaps their children.

Every one who wants to have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage must learn to accept that life is not about always being right, I emphasize the word in italics because all too often being right merely means that we want to exert our rights. It is my right to be right!! We forget that fighting to be right,  even if we were right in the first place, does nothing positive to build our marriage. From the experiences of many couples, losing small individual battles can eventually win the war for the couple.

This is where  Minions' Two Golden (Tweaked) Rules will work to strengthen a marriage. Whenever a difference acts up or a potential conflict begins brewing, it does well for both parties to accept that their spouse is always right. If we forget rule #1, the we must slap our self and read rule #1 again. 

I am not advocating that accepting that our spouse is right at that moment means that there is no possibility that he or she is wrong. I am clearly saying that these rules help us to stand on a solid foundation to manage the conflict. This starting position dissipates the heat and anger of that moment. It retards and stops negative feelings building up in our head and heart. Further more, it stops cynical and critical words from firing off our mouth. This is a great combat quencher and almost always stops conflicts from becoming a war. It allows one or both parties to cool down and think rationally at the problem instead of simply being angry at their spouse. When heads are cool and hearts are soft, then, the couple can use conflict management steps to effectively resolve their differences.

So, Minion's Golden Rules to A Happy Marriage do work for humans ... provided both the spouses apply them equally.

Start applying and be on your way to a Maximum Marriage.

God bless.

Steven

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How much time must a couple spend together

It depends ... says Dr Greg & Erin Smalley in their book, "Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage":-

A man in the initial thrones of romance will say, "Every minute." A husband or wife who is absorbed in a career will say, "Two hours every other Saturday." A new mother will answer, "I don't care as long as I get a decent nights's sleep." A quarrelling couple will say, "The less time, the better."

These answers must be striking a chord with some of you.

The truth is that no one knows exactly how much time a couple must spend with each other, even if the context and goal are clear. But there is one thing many researchers would agree and that is in order to let love grow to strengthen a marriage, the right answer is, "Spend as much time as you can."

Marriage Expert David Mace wrote:

"One of the great illusion of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time."

Love needs time and effort to grow. The couple needs to know and be known to each other; their aspirations, fears, joy, pain, dreams and goals and etc must be expressed and shared. That takes time. The lesser the time you spend to bond with your lover, the lesser you know each other deeply. If you don't spend that time to bond with each other, your relationship will slowly but surely grow cold. The danger then is that your lover may be tempted to look outside of your marriage to find warmth. Many extra marital affairs start like that.

Blogger Becker-Phelps advises all couples to set aside administrative talk and tasks to find time to discuss things that matter to their heart:

"Spend more time together. I don't mean get-more-things-done-together time. Or even air-your-problem time. Partners need to have time when they can each share what naturally bubbles up from deep within - interests, values, or experiences that are expressions of their true selves. And they need their partners to have the time, focus and interest to readily listen. This kind of being together is often lost in the overcrowded shuffling of daily activities."

Many of you will say, "We don't have the time." Have your priority right. If you cannot find time for your lover, review where are you spending the time? With your friends, at work, on computer games, or even taking care of your children or parents?

Think through this carefully and even prayerfully - your lover must rank over your children, your parents and even your bosses. Lousy lovers cannot make good parents. A troubled heart cannot make a good performer at work.

Value your marriage and your lover - make a decision to make deliberate effort to bond with each other.  Spend as much time as you can to know and be known to each other and grow deeply in love.

God bless.

Steven

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The Importance Of Investing In Each Other

For almost 10 years now, we planned on going for a cruise holiday. Michelle and I finally did it. We spent 3 weeks of May on a cruise liner, sailing through the Baltic Sea and exploring the Nordic States, St Petersburg and Amsterdam.

Before we signed up for our maiden cruise, some people warned that not everyone could enjoy a cruise holiday, especially when it is a long one. Others remarked that we would be bored with each other with so many days at sea. I am glad that all those dreadful “warnings” did not stop us from signing up.

The sun setting over the Baltic Sea, at 10.30pm

And what is our verdict of a cruise holiday? It was an amazing time for Michelle and I. We had a wonderful time, not just enjoying the journey but more significantly, enjoying each other's company over so many days. We didn't want to it to end ....

During our time on board the ship, we made friends with many couples. It was not difficult to strike up conversations with them over meals, coffee time and during shore excursions. All those "veterans of cruises" had something in common - they were on the cruise by themselves and have been married for more than 35 years (to the same person, of course). Some of them said that they have been on more than 15 cruises together over the years and they loved them all.

All of these couples said that they were simply enjoying their private time together after many years of building their career and family. More importantly, they said that it was not about enjoying a holiday or the luxury of the cruise ship, but was about being able to enjoy life with each other!

The magnificent fountains of Peterhof, St Petersburg

Similarly, Michelle and I spent hours daily enjoying the shore excursions visiting ancient towns, beautiful cathedrals and opulent palaces from Estonia to St Petersburg (The Peterhorf Palace was truly magnificent). We drank vodka at the Ice Bar in Finland and walked the streets of historical cities of Germany, Denmark and Sweden. During sea days, we danced, listened to lectures on the history of the countries we would visit, chit chatted, watched the nightly live shows, drank lots of coffee and tea, spent hours over romantic dinners and in each other’s embrace night after night. There was no time for boredom because we enjoyed each of those activities together. In essence, we were able to enjoy because we enjoy each other’s company more than anything else.

What has it got to do with Investing In Each Other?  Everything!

Tulips in bloom at Keukenhof, Amsterdam

We, like the many other veteran cruise couples, have chosen to invest in our marriage during the years when we were building career, wealth and family.  While working hard, we did not neglect our relationship with each other. We spent time to plough and fertilize our emotional intimacy, regularly watered and fueled our sexual intimacy and more importantly prune our spiritual relationship together. After many years working at building our relationship, I can vouch that there is no other way than to invest love, time and effort in each other to reach this blissful state of relationship.

Some of our "investments" activities included:

• Having regular dates throughout our marriage.
• Accepting each other, especially the flaws. 
• Looking out for good and positive things to say to each other.
• Speaking well of each other, especially in front of our children and others.
• Being there for the other to cry on and to laugh with.
• Giving each other the highest priority, even over our children.  

You may not be planning a cruise holiday soon. You may not be experiencing a totally enjoyable relationship with your spouse yet. It is never too late to start. Invest your love, time and effort to build your relationship with each other. As you keep at doing it,  you will begin to enjoy life because you will learn to enjoy each other, more than any of the activities and material things.

Start your transformation from being husband and wife to be lovers for life. Start by investing in each other.

Be a better lover, today!

Steven

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The Undeniability of Denial

My daughter sent me a video with this question for me, "Married men: Do you agree with this video?"

Let me post this same question to you, men and women alike. But first, let's watch the video ....

It happens to many couples some of the time, and to some couples, this happens most of the time.

Since it is not about the nail, then what is it really about?

Is it about the man not being empathetic or about the woman's stubbornness?

Or is it about the right way to communicate? Conflict resolution? Denial of fact? Or denial of denial?

What do you say?

I responded to my daughter; with 33 years of marital experience behind me, I do not necessarily agree with the simple suggestion that it is not about the nail.  My wife and I do have such conversations, but very rarely in recent years compared to the early days of our marriage. We have made significant progress and have found ways to handle such conversations well enough that they not get their airtime with us anymore.

We realized that, truly, it is about the nail and much more than that.

I have identified the following lessons that we have learned in our journey. I hope that that you can benefit from our experience:

1.  Be aware of gender differences.

• Man naturally gravitates towards logic while woman are mostly emotionally inclined.

• Man wants to, and assume that he is expected to solve the problem. Woman just want to be listened to.

• So, be conscious of this and then give leeway to your spouse when having difficult conversations.

2. There must be connection before any correction can be effective.

• Em-pathetically agree with you spouse - be the attentive listener first. It soothes the troubled soul.

• Find the right time to point out the fact (the nail...) It may well be another day. Your spouse be so distressed that he or she merely needs a shoulder to cry on, an ear who would listen, and a body that gives an assuring embrace.

• Seek to understand before expecting to be understood. It is not about your view nor your spouse's view. It must be about how both of you can move closer in love even in the difficult situation.

3. Eliminate obstacles to a good relationship.

• Denial is an obstacle to change. Learn to accept facts. Be bold and honest to address your weakness and seek help.

• Facts may be facts but there is little use to mention them when your spouse is hurting and simply needing your assurance.

4. Deliberately loving each other.

• Accept each other fully, including differences.

• Conflict resolution is both a process and an art. So practice it regularly.

Now the question I have for you is this, "Do you agree?"

Steven


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Don't treat your spouse as your equal!

Until the late 1950s, women were not treated as equal to men. Male supremacy had existed since time immemorial. The Women's Liberation Movement started in early '60s, basically with women demanding to be free from oppression and male supremacy. The movement's stated goals were to let women have freedom, equal opportunity and control over their lives. They wanted to be accorded with equality to men.

That movement succeeded and the ideology has made its permanence in our modern world. Many women have risen to lead in high level positions in the political, commercial, social and scientific arenas. 57 Russian, American and Chinese women have gone into space as astronauts. Women today work as hard and contribute as much as the men in the workforce. Nowadays, it is a woman's right to be treated as equal to man.


As one who advocates strong marriages, I don't agree that men should treat their wife as their equal.

I do not treat Michelle as my equal - I will NOT!

Treating her with equality in our early years of marriage did not produce good results for us.

Michelle and I labored through many situations where we were unhappy and dissatisfied with each other. Since I was treating her as my equal, I expected that she would respond with equality. She did not always do that. In the midst of some of those quarrels, we struggled to value each other and ended up fighting with derogatory thoughts of each other. Careless and hurting but untrue words were spoken and we had to deal with the pains of bearing and recovering from those words. 

Then I decided to look for help. I was desperate for someone to help Michelle and I rise above the immaturity and differences. After all, we loved each other.

I am glad I had a good friend, Paul, who even though was a bachelor all his life, knew truly what it takes to build a great marital relationship.

He said this to me, "Steven, if you want to live well with Michelle and enjoy your marriage, neither of you must have any selfish desires. Instead, agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help the other get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

Seeing that I was not exactly getting what he meant, he added,  "All that I am saying to you can be summarized like this - value Michelle more than you value yourself!"

That was as clear as it can be articulated. 

Looking back, I realized that for all those times when we quarreled or disagreed, we were basically fighting to defend or secure our "rights". Those actions did not add to valuing the other person more than our self. Exerting and demanding to have our rights are really selfish actions.

So if I have to value Michelle more than I value myself, how can I ever treat her as my equal? 

Instead, I must treat her as more than my equal, that is, to treat her as one whom I must always hold in higher esteem than myself. She must be the one whom I want to please and give of the best in me, the one for whom I will be willing to sacrifice my life for.

This principle is rather easy to articulate but can be very difficult to execute. It takes lots of practice to get better. It takes perseverance and unwavering belief too.

Along the way, I learned another practical idea. 

If I wanted to be treated as a king, I must treat Michelle as a queen. And if Michelle wanted to be treated as a queen, then she must do all she can to make me a king. We can do this only if we value each other more than our self.

Michelle and I do not treat each other with equality anymore. She is a Queen to me, and I am her King. Through perseverance and practice, we now value and hold each other in higher esteem than our self. It is now part of us to want to please the other more and more. And that is why we are truly enjoying our marriage more than ever.

My sincere advice for those who want to have a blissful and enjoyable marriage is this - Do not treat your spouse as your equal. Value him or her more than yourself!

Doing just that will make you a better lover right away.

Steven


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Of Honey Bees and Buzzard Flies

At a recent marriage enrichment talk that we conducted, Michelle offered a piece of advice to the wives (works the same for the husbands too).

She said that buzzard flies always go in search for dead animals. When they find a decaying carcass, they will gorge themselves on it, devouring the meat to the bare bones.

On the other hand, honey bees only look for sweet nectar. God created them such that they can discriminate the best flowers in the garden to suck up the sweetness.

Honey bees produce honey combs, providing honey which is good for health. Buzzard flies produce nothing except the disgusting sight of them devouring the decomposed carcass. They also carry diseases that hurt human beings.

Buzzard flies and honey bees always find what they are looking for. This is the law of nature!

In the same way, we will always find what we are looking for in our spouse. If you are looking for faults, you will surely find them. If you are looking for the goodness in your spouse, you will also surely find them.

The buzzard flies and honey bees do not have the ability to choose what they want to find. That's how they are created. But we do, that's how we are created - we have the ability to choose.

Quoting from God's Little Devotional Book for Couples (Honor Books), Michelle gave a simple but most appropriate advice to the wives at that talk:

"To his virtues be very kind.

To his faults be a little blind."

So, choose if you want to be a buzzard fly or a honey bee. Michelle and I have chosen.

Be a better lover, today - start to look for the goodness in your lover and you will be surprised how much you can find. Savour it, for it will be like honey to you.

Steven

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Intimacy kills infidelity

The headline screamed, "Rise in couples who split within five years" (Sunday Times 16th Feb 2014).
"The first five years of marriage are proving a challenge for more Singapore couples - that is when partners stray, and a rising number of marriages break down."

Senior divorce lawyer, Tan Siew Kim was quoted saying that from the cases she saw, infidelity is the No.1 reason for divorce and it is happening early in the marriage.

It is a wake up call for all married couples. Infidelity is becoming a major cause of marriage break-ups.

What causes one to stray and break his or her commitment to love one another? There are many reasons. Rather, there are many excuses that the straying partner uses to justify his or her decision.

In the early years of our marriage, Michelle and I have had situations in which we were tempted with taking the easy way out when we had difficult situations. Calling it quits was an attractive, albeit, destructive option.

We are eternally grateful that we were taught that there is only one way to overcome infidelity and divorce - that is to build up and fuel intimacy between us. As simple as it seems, we had to take deliberate efforts to do just that.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. We took years to build up our intimacy level to where we are today. We both agree that we love each more than we did yesterday.

Was it worth the effort? Absolutely yes!

After years of fueling and building intimacy between us, we are closer than ever. Despite differences that still exist between us, we love and enjoy each other more than we did before. This level of intimacy has allowed us to overcome many quarrels and disagreements.

Marriage is about commitment, isn't it? Nobody said that marriage was going to smooth sailing.  By marrying, we agreed to go into an adventure that will bring about all sorts of troubles and challenges, as much as fulfillment and joy. For this specific reason, the marrying couple is made to vow their sacred promise to one another that until death, and not divorce, do they part.

Our commitment to keep our vow is made easier if have deep intimacy in our relationship. I am not just referring to physical intimacy. We need a holistic approach which includes spiritual, emotional, physical, recreational and financial intimacy. We need to be intimate in all these aspects of our relationship.

Build your defense against divorce. Fuel your intimacy to overcome infidelity. Live and love as great lovers. It is worth the effort!

Steven

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An Intense Act of Reconciliation

"Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation." 

Gary Thomas, "Sacred Marriage"

Michelle and I are experienced practitioners of reconciliation. We have yet to perfect the art and the act. We are still working hard at it. As sure as the sun rises every morning, our marriage gives continuous lessons in our life-long study of human relationship and the thing called love.

When you live 24/7 in close proximity and intimacy with another human being, all is exposed.

She is a full length mirror to me. Not only does this mirror reflects my true image - that which no others will have the privilege to see, it comes a loud and sometimes sharp voice. It spews out criticisms, careless remarks, angry words, as much as it does with praises, words of love, affirmation, gratitude and encouragement. And I return her the pleasure of being her full-length speaking mirror.

I am the powerful searchlight that exposes every of her faults; big and small, sooner or later. In return, she is mine.

Such is the reality of two persons having a close and intimate relationship. This is the consequence, as some would lament, of getting married. That is why we cannot continue to simply be spouses.

We need a transformation in our relationship - from husband and wife, to lovers for life. Lovers will take the challenges of an intimate relationship as the institute of noble learning, that which teaches willing students the true skills for life leadership to achieve significance and true meaning in life - to love and be loved.

Having a pet may give you much pleasure and joy. Friendship is great, friends may be your entertainer, supporter and even confidante. But it is the one you married who will provide all the lessons you need to learn to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, to realize that you may be wrong and he/she may be right after all, and to give, give and give some more without expecting reciprocity.

In truth, marriage is designed to bring a man and a woman to the highest realm of existence - to learn to love and what it is to be loved by our Creator.

So with enough experience, my lover and I can say in love and for love, that all who value their marriage must practice humility, give up the demand for individual rights and constantly practice the art of reconciliation.

Start with the ABCs. Learn to say the following phrases.
 
    "I am sorry, please forgive me."

    "I love you and I forgive you."
  
    "You were right and I was wrong."

    "Let's move forward!"

Practice till these words become a natural part of your response and reaction.

Michelle and I have tasted the goodness of this practice. We are enjoying each other more than ever as we transform our self from being simply spouses to become lovers. We yearn for one another more and more, despite some of our shortcomings which we have yet to overcome. We feel that we are not just happy being together but living a meaningful a fulfilled life.

A couple can spend lots of effort to prevent 99 conflicts from birthing. It will all come to nothing if they were not prepared to reconcile over 1 conflict that sneaks through. It may be that straw that breaks the camel's back, or more appropriately, that quarrel which may potentially cause a breakup in the marriage.

There is no alternative - it is either reconciliation or separation. Michelle and I choose reconciliation.

What about you?

Great lovers constantly work to perfect their act of reconciliation.

Steven

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Don't let your spouse offend you!

Recently, Michelle said some things to me that shouldn't have been said. She realized quickly and apologized, "Steven, I am sorry I offended you. Please forgive me."

From the bottom of my heart came my reply, "Dear, I forgive you and I want you to know that you cannot offend me. I choose not to be offended. I remember my vow to you - for better or for worst ... I will love you!"

In my humble opinion, she melted in love with me, again.

Am I for real?

You bet! And it is 110% (I am asking you all to be my witness for declaring this, so that you can keep me in check!) 

Am I really that magnanimous? So forgiving? Er... I must confess that I don't think that I have yet reached that stage. But I recognize that it is my emotion that have the power to make me feel offended.  So, if I took charge of my emotions, then I can choose - to be or not to be offended.

How do I take charge of my emotions?

The wise words of William P. Young, author of the international best seller, The Shack taught me how to.

"Most emotions are responses to perception - what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms - what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe."

He sums it up aptly :-
  

Paradigm powers perception.

Perceptions power emotions. 

Billions of men and women live in wrong paradigms and wonder why life is so hard on them.

In my opinion, the paradigms that we live in and with, affect our marital (and parental) relationships more than anything else. The framework which we allow our mind to subscribe to, can either create a beautiful and loving marital relationship, or lock us in to a life of pain and regrets, which will eventually end in divorce or misery till death comes to separate us.

Our paradigm of the married life matters!

If our paradigm of our spouse is that he or she is the right one, and a gift from God, our first thought every day will be, "what a beautiful (or handsome or macho) and loving spouse God has given me." Your day will be filled with positiveness about your spouse. He or she may not be perfect, and his or her flaws may act up during the course of the day, but you will not be offended. Instead, you  will be propelled with love and compassion to help your spouse to fulfill his or her potential as the best husband or wife.

If our paradigm of marriage is that of a holy covenant for which we have entered knowingly and having pledged to each other "for better or for worst, in sickness and in health, till death do we part", we will have the strength to overcome difficulties when the going gets tough. When our spouse does not behave as we expect, and when we are being offended and are at the shorter end of the stick, we will remember our vow and keep going forward. Divorce is never an option.

On the other hand, if we keep thinking that "I have made a mistake, I deserve someone better that this hopeless fellow.  I was blind when I fell in love and now I see the true colors", then every good thing that your spouse does to you is taken for granted and every mistake he or she makes is unforgivable.

The simple truth is our paradigms power our perception. How we perceive our spouse, he or she becomes. Our spouse becomes the person we perceive them to be, whether they are that or not. It is all in our mind; we are colored by our perceptions and framed by our paradigms. Our spouse becomes who we think he or she is.

Our perceptions power our emotions - this can be frightening. If our paradigm is not right, our perception warps, our emotions run wild, and we cannot have a healthy relationship with our spouse. Suspicions, misconceptions, misunderstandings are the fruits, seemingly to prove that the flawed perceptions were correct. This is a self-fulfilling spiral to the breakdown of any marriage.

Remember always, your spouse is who you have made him or her to be ... by your emotional response, through your perception and driven by your paradigm of how your married life is to be lived.

I choose not to be offended by my wife.

I choose to think highly of her.

I choose to keep my marriage vow.

I choose to be the great lover for Michelle.

She will respond, that I am sure!

Great lovers choose to be great lovers ... what is your choice?

Steven

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A Bachelor's Instructions on the Married Life

It is unusual to have a bachelor to talk about the married life, let alone give instructions. It is also unusual, and may even be audacious to some of you, that I should listen to him. But I am glad that I did! What that bachelor told me certainly contributed to a great marital relationship for Michelle and I.

I believe that his instructions will definitely benefit any couple who is willing to put them into practice.

Paul, whom I first got acquainted with some 35 years ago, was a bachelor for his whole life. Not that he wasn't straight or that he didn't like women, he had a reason which he considered as noble for remaining single. He wanted to concentrate on a cause that he was so passionate about that he thought that having a family would hamper it.

Still, Paul was a wise man and many of his friends went to him for counsel. In his last years, he specifically gave advice to married couples. Those advice helped Michelle and I tremendously as we build our marriage and family. I want to share them with you.

Interestingly, that bachelor boy told us that marriage came with, not just responsibilities but, duties. I remember clearly when he said, "Steven, you must always fulfill your duty as a husband to Michelle and likewise, Michelle, as his wife, you must always fulfill your duty to Steven."

But it was what he next said to us transformed our attitude, especially towards sex.

"Michelle," Paul firmly but gently said, "I want to tell you that you have no authority over your body after you made the decision to marry this man. On that day at the altar when you agreed to be his wife, you have decided to yield your body to Steven. Remember that well."

Wow, Paul was my man!

Momentarily, I thought that Michelle might have suspected that I had coerced my friend into saying those words. But before I could finish my thought, Paul looked me in the eyes and continued, "Steven, in the same way, you do not have authority over your own body. You must yield it to Michelle."

On deeper reflection, we realized that Paul was telling us that in the institution of marriage, mutual yielding is preeminent and the essence for building a meaningful, enjoyable and powerful marital relationship.

Foregoing the ownership of our body and yielding it to our spouse is only the very base of this set of instructions. Yielding and giving up of our "rights"to our spouse is the ultimate goal, and it includes yielding our emotions, dreams, desires, habits, pet peeves and many other self-indulgent things!

Over the years that we have been married, every quarrel that we have had found its root to one of us not willing to yield to the other; we vehemently guarded our old way of life, we refused to surrender our positions or beliefs, we thought more highly of ourself than of the other, we did not want to give in - we simply did not want to yield to one another!

I must say that it is not easy to yield. Absolutely not. The common dictionary defines yield in the following two ways:

to give up, as to superior power or authority,

to give up, or surrender oneself.

Both these definitions center on the giving up of one's rights to a superior authority. My friend, Paul, in his wisdom, addressed that clearly when he said that I did not have authority over my own body but I must surrender it to Michelle and vice versa. Such great wisdom from a bachelor!

Now, let's talk about the yielding of our body to each other, in simple terms, having sex.

Men and women are naturally attracted to the opposite sex. For the men, physical attraction is usually the starting point; men's eyes behold beauty rather "blindly". That said, there are many men who are attracted to a woman's intellect, compassion, sense of adventure and the likes. 

For the women, feeling of love, being loved and being protected precede physical attraction. Still, the attraction will eventually lead to a physical expression of intimacy and consummation. This is how the Creator made us and intended it to be ... "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." and "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

For this reason, Michelle and I have learned to yield our body to each other. We constantly satisfy each other's sexual needs, to give each other pleasure, I for her and she for me. 

But sex is not all that there is between us.

By learning to yield our body to each other, we also learned to yield our emotions, personal dreams, desires, finance, recreation, habits and other such "rights" to each other. We don't do things out of selfish desire but with consideration of the other, well, we do this most of the time since we are not perfect creatures yet.

Our reward - an enjoyable and endearing relationship that we want to go on and on till we leave each other in death.

Great lovers yield themselves to one another.

Steven

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Don't believe everything your spouse says

"I can't believe that you are saying that, Steven. You must be out of your mind!", you must be thinking out loud.

No, I have not gone out of my mind. In fact, I believe that what I am about to share will help many couples to continue to love each other more.

Let me say this again, to keep a marriage well, you must not believe everything your spouse says to you.

Well, with 31 years of experience behind us, Michelle and I know that this is true. For the many times that we failed to practice this simple idea, we got into trouble. But wisdom took over finally and won.

Let me explain by first asking you this question:

"Have you ever gotten hurt by your spouse because of what he/she said  to or about you?"

I bet that many of you have been hurt in that way before.

While I have always advocated spouses to speak well of one another, Michelle and I still fail sometimes to do that. Rarely now, but we still do so occasionally, and usually when one or both of us are under stress or when we are fatigued.  Under those circumstances when our emotional energy went low, we became irritable, as well as irritating, and often times, we blurted out words without giving them proper thoughts.

Such words, which came out of our mouth faster than they went through our brain, were usually not true.  But those words had the potential to cause tremendous hurt.

 
"You are so unreasonable."
"Why are you so lazy?"
"I am tired of having to put up with you."
"Can't you do better than that?"
"I hate what you have done!" 

Do they sound familiar?

Let me share how Michelle and I overcame such situations:

Over the years, we have built up a trusting relationship such that if any of those statements spoke truth of my shortcomings, Michelle will give me the confidence to admit it, ask for her forgiveness, and ask our God to help me to change for the better. I do the same for her.

However, if Michelle said any of those statements merely out of her frustrations or moments of anger, then I would tell myself not to react with anger or hurt. Vice versa.

It took us many years to work this out - that is, our response must be to always believe that what was said wrongly was unintentional. We took efforts to learn not to take offense or put up a defense. In short, under those circumstances, we choose not to believe what was said and we resist the temptation to react negatively.

More often than not, couples react negatively and prefer to argue or make their defense to such accusations. But they forget that at that moment, their spouse was already stressed up or angry, and so would be unlikely to accept the reasoning. Then, the unhappy reaction elicits another negative reaction and a war erupts!

So, while we need to be aware of our real shortcomings, it is more important that we learn to discern our spouse's misplaced words.

It works wonders for us and it will work for any couple in love.

This calls for a determined effort on our part to believe that if our spouse did something good to us, it was intentional and if he/she did something bad,it was truly unintentional.

Giving the benefit of doubt to our lover brings a fragrance of love that will make us more understanding, less demanding and prevents conflicts.

So, I say, don't believe everything that your spouse says to you in his/her moments of stress or anger! Instead, believe that it was never his/her intention to hurt you. This will keep your love for one another and your marriage alive and well.

Great lovers give each other the benefit of doubt and cover each others' wrongdoings, especially the hurtful words that come out in moments of anger, stress and frustration.

Steven

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Learning from the Lovely Dinosaurs

The lessons from the Dinosaurs continue ...

#1 - Keep looking out for the good traits, be aware of the bad ones but choose to overlook them.

"Love", they say, "is blind." It certainly was so while Michelle and I were courting.

It only dawned upon us after we were married that we had character traits that the other did not quite like. Some of those irritated us terribly. The over-used example of "which end of the toothpaste do we squeeze on" paled into insignificance when compared with some other more critical issues we had.

In the early years, we quarreled over many of those issues.

Each of us obviously had many good character traits that were pleasing to the other. Instead of appreciating those, we often took them for granted.

The Dinosaurs are smarter. They look out for the good traits (see words in capital letters) and while being aware of the bad ones (small letters), they choose to over look them.

Michelle and I learned this as we grew deeper into our relationship. It worked wonders for us. Now, we choose to speak well of each other and do not take offense when some of the remnant bad habits pop up once in a while.

We spend a whole lot of our conversation saying the good things about the other. By so doing, we shut out the bad ones.

The Dinosaurs go one step further. They melt each others heart with KIND words and LOVING thoughts.

I would like to emphasize the importance of having loving thoughts of each other.

Our action and reaction start from our thoughts. That is why it is so important to have loving thoughts of your spouse. I speak the way I think. And so does Michelle. When I think of Michelle being loving and lovely, I speak words that compliment that. This makes her feel good, and I feel good that she does.

Speaking well of each other starts with thinking well of each other. So,choose to fill your mind with good thoughts about your spouse constantly. You will find that what you say will be well too.

Great lovers think and speak well of the other!

Steven

(Cartoons belong to Mr Edward Monkton. They are from his simple but wonderful book titled, "A LOVELY LOVE STORY" by HarperCollins Publishers. The book was a present from our daughter for our 31st wedding anniversary.)

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Living out our marriage vow

Last Saturday morning, I witness the holy matrimony of a young couple. They met in their junior college days and became a pair then. That was 9 years ago.

In the early years of their relationship, the groom left for further studies in the US. The difficulties associated with their long-distance relationship strained them. They grew apart and when he finally returned home after his graduation, they broke up. That was after 7 years courting each other.

During the period of separation, both drew closer in their personal relationship with God. And through that, they were brought back together again.

They testified that theirs was an union sewed by the hands of the Almighty God. They said that without God's intervention, they would not have made it as a couple.

I absolutely believe them.

As such, it was especially meaningful and poignant when they exchanged their vows .....

"I take you to be my husband/wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, or for worse,
for richer, or for poorer,
in sickness, and in health,
to love and to honor
and to cherish unconditionally.
Forsaking all others, I will be faithful to you.
And with this ring, I thee wed."

They reminded me of Michelle's and my vows to one another on our wedding day. We used the same words then and I thank God that after almost 31 years, I can say that we have lived out the essence of that vow.

It was certainly not a fairy tale story for us. We went through good as well as difficult times in our journey. We laughed and cried together, praised as well as criticized each other. We agreed and  disagreed, argued and supported different perspectives and opinions. We cared for each other in moments of sickness and pain. We learned to love and to honor one another.

Michelle and I made deliberate efforts throughout our marital journey to fill the role as God's chosen companion for each other. With reverence, we asked for His help to fulfill that role.

I believe that the success of our relationship was primarily hinged on our belief in God, who helped us keep our vows that we made before Him in the first place.

If you want bliss and happiness in your marital relationship, do not forget each and every word in your vow to one another. Ask God to help you not only to remember them, but to act out the commitments daily. You will become a great lover!

Steven


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Of Crispy Chicken and Spectacles

"You are a good husband." I was affirmed, twice last week. I must have done some things right.

Let me begin with the first story that led to the affirmation.

It has to do with crispy chicken. Yes, and to be specific, 4 Fingers Crispy Chicken ... er, no, they not sponsoring this blog or me!

I heard so much about those pieces of barbequed wings and drum-lets from Michelle. In fact, she like them enough to have asked me a couple of times to buy some for her whenever I got of the MRT at Orchard station; 4 Fingers has an outlet at Ion Orchard.

At her requests, I will go the outlet to try to get those crispy chicken. But for every time I did that, the queue was very long, typically 15 in line. Moreover, I observed that the time taken to deliver after an order is placed is also long. Apparently, they bbq the meat on the spot.

Since neither she nor I found the long wait meaningful, I have never succeeded to give her those coveted meat, that is, until last week.

Last Thursday, I got out of the train at Orchard Station and as I was walking towards her salon at Far East Plaza, I suddenly remembered that Michelle would love to sink her teeth into some crispy chicken. She did not ask me to buy some this time; she could have given up.

But I know that she would like to taste it. So, I diverted into the basement to where the 4 Fingers Crispy Chicken outlet was. Again there was a queue at the counter. I felt blessed this time - only 4 hungry mouths in front of me.

Still, it took more than 20 minutes from the time I joined the queue till when the staff handed me the prize. While I was waiting, Michelle called anxiously as she had expected me to have arrived at her shop sooner. The clock was ticking away and we needed to make the next appointment at church.

"Where are you now?" she asked, "it is getting late."

With a sense of joyful anticipation, I answered, "Waiting in line to buy you crispy chicken."

"No need, no need, come quickly and let's go off" she replied, rather impatiently.

"Er, I have placed my order, I am just waiting for it to be ready," I replied.

Before hanging up, she said, "Aiyah, ok ok. See you."

As soon as I was handed the chicken, I walked as quickly as I could without attracting undue attention from the after-office-hour crowd. I walked hastily, but with a whistle in my heart (yes, my heart whistles) in anticipation of seeing the satisfaction in her eyes as she tastes the chicken.

Finally, I entered her salon. She was all ready to leave. I wasn't sure if she was going to bring the whole box of chicken home to eat. It wouldn't taste as nice by then, I thought.

She decide to take a piece right away. Great.

Then she took another piece, and another ... I wasn't left out of the "feast". I saw her satisfaction in her eyes. "Hmm ... she could be pleased quite easily," I thought.

Michelle was pleased indeed. I could see that she was pleased not because the chicken tasted good, but because I bought her the chicken. I remembered she wanted to taste it. I bought it without her asking me.

"You are a good husband." she said, as she savored the last piece of the crispy chicken.

More importantly, I know that she was pleased because I have her in my mind ... even for that little thing. I felt good!

"What's the big deal over buying some pieces of chicken for your wife," you may say.

No big deal. But my wife felt loved and I felt good ... the chicken wings were only a conduit.

Second story.

Over lunch with a good friend on Tuesday, I commented that he looked good in his new pair of spectacles. He asked me what happened to my new pair of spectacles as I was wearing an older pair.

I told him that I made a deliberate decision that day to wear the old pair as I was out with Michelle in the morning. She did not quite like the look of my face in the new pair, despite her being party to the choice we made. So, when I go out with her, I wear the pair she likes and when I go out without her, I wear the other pair.

"You are a good husband", he commented.

"What's the big deal over wearing which pair of spectacles", you may muse again.

No big deal. I want to make my wife happy. I am happy that she is happy. Again, the pair of spectacles was just another conduit for me to put my wife's interest before mine.

Try it - that is, putting your spouse's interest before you. No matter how small the issue may be, it will help you to do the same when you come to bigger issues.


Great lovers consider their spouse's interest before their own.

Steven

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When the hen crows and the cock keeps quiet!

I grew up in a kampung (small village) in the north of Singapore.

Almost every family in the village owned a some cocks and hens in their plot.  The red single comb on its head distinctively differentiates the cock or rooster from the hen. I remember observing that the rooster moved around majestically and most of the times followed by a hen and some chicken, chipping as they follow the cock.

The role of the cock and hen seemed simple enough to me as a child. Every morning when the sun rose, the cock crowed. I don't remember it ever failing to do so. It was created (or designed) to do that and it did the task dutifully.

As for the hen, it laid eggs.

Cock crows, hen chips and lays eggs - this was, is and will always be the order. They were created to fulfill those roles.

What will happen if the hen begins to crow and the cock keeps quiet?

Could it be then the hens will demand their rights (hey, I can crow too) and the cocks will be demoralized (you are taking over my job). Should that really happen,  we may not have any more omelette for breakfast.

I have just described the implications of a role reversal between a cock and a hen. Similarly, when a role reversal happens in a marital relationship, I am certain that there will be problems for the couple and the family.

Before I go on, let me clarify that I am not demeaning the role, capability, capacity and intelligence of my wife and the female species.

In fact, Michelle has proven herself to be wiser than me in many occasions. Many of her advises have saved me from harm's ways over and over again. Consequently, when I counsel men, I often dish a sincere advice - "listen to what your wife has to say."

Now, back to our cock and hen story. It is as if to say that on occasions when the cock forgets to crow at the appointed time, the hen chips her advice to the cock and sets him right. The cock crows.  And it continues to walk along majestically, as if he never failed his responsibility.

The hen does not take over and crow. She merely stands by her cock and makes him look good.

Herein lies the essence of my sharing - Michelle helps me to fulfill the role that my Creator designed me for. In doing so, she fulfills the role that He has designed her for too. Together as a couple, we fulfill our roles harmoniously and effectively.

The most important role for me as her husband is to lead. Michelle's most crucial role is to advice and support me and to stand by me even when I make a wrong decision. For more on the different roles of the husband and wife, read my sharing titled, "Man's Most Important Role" and "The Wife's Most Crucial Role".

Michelle and I are not perfect and are constantly working on making our relationship better. Put simply, there were and will be occasions when we are tempted to have our roles reversed. Some of these will be over simple issues, and others over serious ones. The important thing is how we manage such situations.

This is how Michelle and I have learned to manage our roles over the years; she does her best to help me make right decisions as the head and leader of the family. Even when I make a mistake, she stands by me without shooting me for not listening to her. As for me, I have learned to respect her advice and listen to her before making a decision.

We are careful not to allow our roles to reverse.

This cock continues to crow and his hen chips valuable advices faithfully to him!
 
Steven


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The Wife's Most Crucial Role

Since I posted my last blog, "Man's Most Important Role", my wife and I had several tiffs over the week. Nothing of the serious sorts but enough to cause us to momentarily vie off course in our relationship.

I set myself thinking of what I can share this week. Sharing a husband's view of the wife's most crucial role became the obvious answer ... with fresh practical experience! 

The adage, "Behind every successful man is a woman" is only half the story. If it were true, then every married man would have been successful. But we know that this is certainly far from the truth. So, it brings me to ask, "What kind of woman makes her man successful?"

So, here's my message for the wives - what can you do to make your man successful?

We all know that a successful leader, amongst other things, needs faithful and loyal supporters. They must always rally around him. They must believe in him, allow him the freedom to lead and help him to cover his weaknesses. They must respect him. They must forgive him when he makes mistakes. The supporters give their leader confidence and make him look good!

In the context of marriage and according to God's way, the husband is the head/leader of the union. The wife is to be his closest and most loyal supporter and follower. In my own experience, this is the most crucial role of a wife.

Wives, I want you to know this, that although we desire it a lot, the greatest need for men is not sex. Our greatest need is respect! This is how a man is created. Whether he clearly exhibits it or not, your man is wired to lead. And as your leader, he needs to be respected and affirmed.

Nothing pains a man more than not receiving support and affirmation from the one whom he loves. Worst still if he hears his wife constantly berating him, speaking down to or negatively about him.

Wives, let me tell you that negative words spoken about and to your husband are sure ways to destroy him. It may drive him to others who are willing to give him respect and speak sweetly to him. Be very aware not to set this trap for your marriage.

I thank God that my wife knows all these well. Over the years, she has learned that a confident and successful man has deep roots in a supportive, respectful and prayer wife.

This is not to say that we have marital bliss all the time. We so have our tiffs too. But in the bigger picture, she constantly demonstrates her unceasing support for me, gives me confidence through her respect and so makes me who I am today. And I am thankful to her for making me feel good!

How can a wife make her man successful? (Or cheekily restated, what are things that husbands dare not ask of their wives?) Try the followings:

1.   Respect - Fuel his leadership instinct. Make him feel that he is your God-given leader. You may not agree with him on all of his decisions, but there is no need to disagree with him and make a fuss over non-crucial issues. Make him look and feel good frequently and he will take more responsibilities to make crucial decisions confidently.

2.   Support - Believe in him and constantly tell him that you do, not just only for the major decisions that he has made. Affirm him at every opportunity. Your husband needs to hear words of affirmation constantly and it is especially gratifying to hear it from his wife! Start with affirmation over small things but do it often until it becomes a habit. You don't know how much that boosts a man.

3.   Speak well of him - Let him and others know how much you love, respect and support him. Let him be so proud to be around your children, in-laws, church mates, and friends by what you say of him. Start praising him over small things ... "my husband is a wonderful man ... he is a responsible father ..." Biblical principles say that the more you confess, the more he becomes!

4.   Pray for him - This is the root of a successful man; a wife who keeps her husband covered in prayer constantly. Truly, "if God is for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:21 NIV). Constantly praying for your man brings God into his life, and that brings success!

5.   Submit to him - Many women of this era disagree with this. They are wrong. God's truth is eternal. Wives submitting to their husbands is part of a holy matrimonial union (Eph 5:22-24), just as husbands are to love their wives with sacrificial love. Submitting to your husband means to let him have his way (yes, yes, when he is on the right path!), to follow his leadership, to trust him.

6.   Forgive him - Husbands are humans too. We make mistakes. When we do, forgive as you have been forgiven, especially when he realizes his mistake and asks for forgiveness. And, never ever bring up all that has been forgiven.

7.   Love him - Love your husband emotionally and sexually. Let there be intimacy in the spirit and in the body. Love fuels a man and gives him confidence to face his challenges, to recover from his battle and to receive strength to face the next day. While the greatest need of man is respect, a satisfying sexual relationship with his wife is the greatest stress buster.

Have you ever watched professional ball room dancing before? If not, do so and learn great truth from it. Meanwhile, let me share what makes a ball room dance so enjoyable to watch:

• The male dancer MUST always lead the dance. Every step and move is his responsibility and his alone. He decides when to move, when to halt, when to execute a posture and when not. There are several set pieces but he must be able to give the relevant signals to his partner by his body movement so that she can be in synchronization with his next step. 

• The female dancer MUST always FOLLOW the male's lead. There is no other way - this is ball-room dancing. She is to flow in one with the male as he leads. She cannot decide her own move. There is no negotiation, only submission so that the pair can glide through the ball room as one. She must support her man's every decision for the next move. No question asked. She must understand his signal for the next step to take. She is constantly focused on what he wants her to do next. She must be well versed with various possible set pieces and dutifully executes these when required.

• Both dancers must fundamentally follow the tempo of the music individually. If they don't, they do not have a dance. If they do, their movements are in synchronization and they become two bodies flowing as one in heavenly realm!

• Behind the beautiful dance are many hours of practice. Both the partners spend time and effort to refine and perfect their moves. They also get to know each other so very well that at the twitch of a finger, or a gesture of the body, they communicate clearly what is in their mind.

Wives, you surely play a crucial role in your husband's life!

Steven

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