My Grandson's First Sleepover Affected Our Marriage

My 4-year old grandson had his first sleepover with us last Friday.

A few months ago, he had his maiden sleepover with his paternal grandparents. I asked him then, when would he do the same with us. He said, 'I will sleepover at your house after I come back from my Japan holiday.'

He came back 2 weeks ago and kept his word; something we all are proud of and can learn from this young boy.

To welcome him, we bought a tent and rigged it up in my backyard, pretending that we were  camping (grandparents go to extremes to captivate their grandchildren.) We didn't sleep in the tent eventually because it was terribly humid that night.

He slept later than usual that night because he was excited.

As he sat on our bed fighting to keep his eyes open, he uttered, 'I miss mama.' I told him that I know and that it was well as we were with him. In less than 2 minutes, he went into a deep slumber, with a face filled with satisfaction of a great day with grandpa and grandma.

Sleeping between us, he rumbled through six different positions, which kept Michelle and I awake throughout the night. At first, he was sleeping parallel to us, then on Michelle's stomach, then on my chest before heading to my thigh, and finally back to parallel.

All three of us woke up early the next morning, and we were greeted with the best smile ever from our little Samuel. It melted our hearts. His angelic smile made us we forget how sleepy we actually were.

Then little Samuel said, 'Gong gong, we hibernated together last night.'

My jaws dropped in pleasant surprise. But to test that he really understood that word, I asked, 'So where did we hibernate together?'

'On your bed,' Samuel replied in a split-second.

'Wow, he has a vocabulary beyond a 4-year old,' I thought to myself. It must be that Mama and Dada had taught him well. We are so proud of them too.

Through my grandson's first sleepover with us, my heart tells me that Michelle and I are truly blessed. With all our children all having their own family and home, Michelle and I are still celebrating life and enjoying it. We have no empty nest, but a golden one!

Is this Maximum Marriage or what?

We believe that it is.

Just 2 days ago, a prominent person asked me what gives me energy every morning when I wake up. Without hesitation I answered, 'My marriage.'

I think both of us were surprised (yes, this was probably the first time I have actually declared this).

He asked me how is that so. I explained that I am so happy every night to lie beside Michelle and to be able to wake up with her beside me every morning. So it must be that my marriage gives me the energy to live life every day. This is in context that God is in the center of my and Michelle's life.

With our experience, we truly believe that you can also have a Maximum Marriage of your own. It did not come as a miracle. We made effort to build our relationship  through our 37 years of marriage. It was not smooth sailing all the way, but we kept at it and even had to plow through many challenges to be where we are now. It was painful many times, but it is worth every ounce of energy that we had put in to build our marriage.

You can too....

Steven

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

Love Letters Between My Daughter And Me

In February 2013, Focus On The Family, Singapore, asked me to write an article to offer parenting tips. I didn't feel qualified to do so. I felt that only my children could say whether I had been a good father. As such, instead of giving parenting tips, I wrote a love letter to my eldest daughter, Natalie, who was then 29 years old. After she read my draft, she decided to respond via a letter to her daddy.

With Michelle, Natalie & Samuel

The letters became the most popular reads and most shared articles on Focus' blog. Two years on, they remain as the top 3 most read articles.

As Father's Day draws near, I thought I could encourage fathers and children to turn their hearts to each other. For this reason, I am re-posting the two love letters here. The only change is that my darling princess has made me a grandfather in March this year.....our love for each other grows stronger still.

I hope that you will be lifted up and motivated to love more. 

Good lovers do have better chances of becoming good parents.

Steven

The Father's Letter 

Sentences in italics are added in this re-posting. 

My Darling Princess,

I vividly remember the day I laid my eyes on you for the very first time. 

You were not exactly attractive when we first met; you had mucus and blood all over your body. But I do remember that I had a good thought; I had never seen a more beautiful girl.  I was there to receive you when you came into this world. 

That was more than 30 years ago (it is more than 32 now).  

The memories of the times we spent together as you grew from a little baby uttering “dad-dad”, taking your first step, going to pre-school, graduating from the university, dating and finally tying the knot; they are still fresh in my mind.

I am proud to be your father. 

You ain't heavy, you're my princess.

That is not to say that we did not have any difficult times throughout your growing years. In fact, there were as many of those as we had the pleasures of being family. Such is life, the sky will never be always blue and thunderstorms are part of the ecological design. But most importantly, together we braved those storms. While we got ourselves drenched, we did well to come out of each of those storms well. I am glad that we are still enjoying the sunshine days, which has become the rule rather than the exception.

As a first time father, I did my best to care for you, teach and guide you along life’s paths. I made many mistakes because you were the guinea pig. But then, you were a fine specimen and I did not have to deviate too much from the many books I read about parenting. Still, I had to gingerly wade through those years of teaching and putting the values that I considered important, into your heart.

As soon as you had enough vocabulary to use, you asked endless streams of questions about why things were what they were and I tried to answer each and every one of those. Now, I am the one asking you the “whys”… and you have been patient answering me. Never once have you not wanted to teach me something that I had yet to learn of this new world.

A parenting book I read in your early years said that girls would grow up confident and possess self-respect if their father showed them love constantly. For that reason, I dated you often to let you know that you were so loved that you need not look for love elsewhere, until it was time for you to find the right man for your life. 

One day you came home from school crying uncontrollably because you found out that you could not get into the triple Science class for Secondary 3. Your hopes of becoming a doctor were dashed. I remember that I was there with you. My heart broke seeing your misery and I decided to see your principal. I had to humble myself and was prepared to “beg” her to reconsider the decision. I told her how much you wanted to be in the triple Science class as you had an ambition to be a doctor. She looked me in the eye and said, “Since I can see how much you and the family support her, I will make and exception. That class shall have 41 students instead of 40.”

I am so glad that you did not disappoint your principal or me – you were one of the top students for your O-Level exams. Though you did not go on to become a doctor, you did well in your Life Science studies.

We were close, so close that there was once a sales lady came up to us as we were walking with your hands on my arm, and asked if we wanted to consider buying a wedding photography session. You were only sixteen … I must have really looked young for her to mistake me for your boyfriend.

I remember the time when I used your graduation from JC as an excuse to buy you a ring to put on your middle finger. You suspected that I had another motive besides just celebrating your graduation. You were right. I specifically told you that as long as the ring remained on your middle finger, you had to stay chaste and keep yourself pure for your future husband on your wedding night.

A few years later when you were seriously dating, I reminded you to be virtuous and you “rebuked” me saying, “Dad, have some trust in yourself. You have taught me all those values over the years, surely I will keep them."

I am proud of you!

Five (seven) years ago, I pondered over the implications of answering the question, “Who gives this woman to be married?” that would be asked of me at your wedding. To put up my hand and answer, “I” meant giving up my rights over you. As soon as I gave my permission and blessing, you would become a wife to the man you have chosen. You would no longer be addressed as Miss Chan, but Mrs Goh.

It also meant that as much as you would continue to love me, from that moment on, you had to give your first love to my son-in-law. And we wouldn’t see each other daily, as you had to move to your own house.

I struggled. But I did the right thing. I raised my hand and said, “I give her to be married.”

Finally my darling princess has become someone’s wife, and a daughter-in-law of his parents. I am so proud that your parents-in-law speak fondly of you as you pour your love to them and your husband. In that, I felt that I have left a worthy legacy.

During the years of  “father bringing up child and child bringing up father”, we made many mistakes. You could not understand why I had to ground you or insisted that you be home before a certain time at night. You argued but lost each time, you disagreed and cried and yet you abided by my rules. But finally, you understood. I am so glad that we learned to say sorry to each other and move on to a better day after.

Darling princess, continue to love and let love rule your speech, action and life. Be that noble and capable wife described in Proverbs 31. Now that you are a mother, work deliberately and consciously to bring your children up in the ways of the Lord - help each of them to live godly life. 

I love you, always and stronger still, especially now that I am the grandfather of your lovely boy. 

Dad

The Daughter's Response 

Dear Daddy,

You were the first man I ever knew and loved.  While I certainly do not remember meeting you in my blood filled, mucousy glory, I do remember a loving and patient father who was (and still is) always there for me, no matter what.  More importantly you were the first man I knew who would love me unconditionally, for who I am, in spite of what I do or say.

As a young child, I remember being very playful.  I never wanted to wear pants, choosing to run around the house in my t-shirt and underwear.  In an attempt to incentivize me (I’m sure you got it from the parenting books), you told me that if you came home and saw me wearing pants, you would give me a star.  Multiple stars would equate to a treat of my choice.

I never liked the idea of wearing pants but really loved the idea of having a treat.  Hence, I learned to recognize the sound of the gates opening and your car driving into the garage so that I would always have enough time to run upstairs, wear my pants and greet you with loving arms.  I suppose I wasn’t very honest then but I can truthfully tell you that one of the highlights of my day was running into your arms at the end of the day to greet you and give you a huge hug.

Your belief in incentivizing good behaviour continued even when I was in primary school. I remember your “treat” cards where if I behaved, I would get the opportunity to choose from a deck of cards with treats written on them.  It could be something as trivial as an ice-cream treat, to a day at the zoo, and the most awesome of all, any activity of my choice!

While these small but thoughtful gestures were highly appreciated, what I am most thankful for was the fact that you made the effort to spend quality time with me.  Thank you for the solo trips including that trip to the zoo (I still remember the picture with the organ utan), a boat ride along Singapore River with my brother (I still have the tickets!) and the daddy & daughter date to Disney on Ice (I still have that photo of us with Donald Duck)!

We had joy & fun in the sun!

I really enjoyed those precious moments and now, having grown up and having friends who have children of their own, I appreciate your efforts even more as I now know that it takes a lot of courage and effort for fathers to agree to bring their children out, alone (with no maid and no wife). Not all fathers (that I know of) bothered to do that but you did.

I now tell my husband that when we do have children, he must be comfortable with spending quality time with our children, with me or without me.

I am truly thankful for holding closely to the belief that girls would grow up confident and possess self-respect if their father showed them love constantly.  I truly believe that I am the woman I am today, the woman that my husband loves so deeply because of the time and effort that you have spent on me.

More importantly, you taught me the importance of owning up and having the security to admit that I am in the wrong.  You were one of the rare parents who were actually comfortable with apologizing to a young 12-year-old girl when you were in the wrong.  Most of my friends’ parent refused to admit they were wrong or even apologize because “I am your parent”.  

I believe that it was values like these, and others, which have enabled me to be successful in my career today.   

Thank you for making the effort to invest your time, prayers and love in me.  I am truly where I am today because of the love that both you and mummy have showered on me.  You can say that you have a legacy in me (not just my values but my mustache too!) =)

Passing on values to the next gen!

Lastly, thank you for the sweet letter and for being my father.  I cried when I read it because I know that life on earth is temporal.  And the thought that you and mum will one day no longer be around never fails to bring tears to my eyes.  But I know that at least we can all one day reunite in heaven again.  While this part sounds like an eulogy, I figured that it makes more sense telling you such things when you are alive rather than doing so when you are no longer there to hear it.

I love you.

Natalie

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

A Father's Greatest Gift To His Children

At the Dad's For Life Conference held in Singapore recently, a number of participants asked the key note speaker, Gregory Slayton (author of International Best Seller - "Be A Better Dad Today" - I recommend this book to all fathers who want to make a difference to his family), how they can be a better father. They cited their struggles with the need to provide for the family, the pressures that they face in life and wondered how to juggle their busy schedule to find time with their children and how can they know that they are good fathers.

The main take away from Gregory is this - "The best gift any father can give to his children is to love their mother deeply".  When i mentioned this to my youngest daughter, she wanted to know why?

My answer is simply that unless the couple loves each other deeply, they can never be great parents.

If I do not respect, love and submit to Michelle, my children will never know how to respect, love and submit to one another, to their spouses and to others. If Michelle does not respect, love and submit to me, it will have the same consequences. 

On the other hand, when our children see how we love each other, support and protect one another, they will grow up learning by sight and experience to love, forgive, exhibit humility, mutual submission and all the good stuff that parents desire of them.

I  really can't say that my wife and I are great parents. Only my children can give us that credential. (Read my daughter's letter to me here.)

However, Michelle and I can surely and confidently say that we are great lovers. We have made and continue to make each other to be that great lover that we enjoy to be with, to grow old together and to die in the arms of.

Dr James Dobson (founder of Focus On The Family) once said, "Parenting is a guilty affair, no matter how much you do, it is not enough." (What wives wish their husbands knew about women)

My insight to his statement is this: You can work hard and provide for them, you can buy presents and even be frequently present with them, you would still fail your parental role if you did not teach them to love. 

How can we be successful in teaching children to love? 

Only one way -  by showing love. This love must first be demonstrated in the every day life of the parents - love tangibly shown between dad and mom for one another. Love beyond that peck on the cheek. Love that can overcome the storms of life. Love that can forgive wrongs. Love that cries and laughs, keeps the commitment in good times and in bad times. Love that never gives up.

Great lovers DO make great parents! 

Michelle and I know for sure. Start loving your spouse deeply today.

Steven 

Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....

Man's Most Important Role

I always make couples who come to my marriage re-sparking weekend play a game together. They are given a 12-word puzzle to form a meaningful phrase. After several unsuccessful attempts, they will eventually converge to the following sentence:

"Woe to the house whose hen crows and the cock keeps quiet."

There will always be one or two couples who take a little longer time to understand this phrase and its implication. But as they ponder over it, the warning becomes clear.

Of all the roles that a man has to undertake from his first breathe to his last, the two most crucial ones are the roles of the husband and father. One cannot be a good father if he were not a good husband. And no man can be considered successful in any other endeavors in life if his relationship with his wife were broken.

A strong, loving and powerful family boils down to one element - the leadership of the head of the household. As husband, a man must take the spiritual leadership over his wife and provide the covering over her. As father, he must lead his children in the way in which they should go, teach them right values and establish their character.

This is the primal role for a man who has a family. He cannot delegate this role to his wife, to his parents or to the church leaders.

However, some men spend more time leading his workers, his company and even his church than leading his wife and children. There are those who give the reason that they have a wife who is hard to satisfy and wants all thing done only in her way. They are others who are simply "too busy with other important things" than to take the lead at home. On the other hand, there are wives who do not think highly enough of their husband's capability and simply takes over.

Herein lies the issue. When the hen crows regularly and the cock is silent, the spousal and family relationships can never be as loving, strong and powerful as it should be.

Man is created to be a leader. He is wired to lead. This particularly applies to his role in his family. Men must lead, but sadly, not all of them do, nor are willing to do so.

This reversal of role, or the abdication of the leadership and responsibilities of the man, was never meant to be. Man must regain his ordained position as head of the family and provide the spiritual, emotional and physical covering over his wife and children.

Similarly, woman must respect and support the man and free him to be the head of the family, even if her man were not as capable as she is.

Great lovers understand this principle. While submitting to each other out of a reverence for their Creator, they show love and respect to each other.

Set the order right in your relationship and see power flow through your family. Let the cock crow distinctively once again!

Steven


Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....