Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Distractions are really attractions

Like me, you must have dealt with many distractions in life. I still have to deal with things that distract me from what I want to focus on - I was distracted even in writing this piece. I had intended to publish this in Dec. But I was distracted, that is, till now!

It is not only with tasks that we get distracted. We get distracted from our relationship with our spouse, family, friends and community. And that is more dangerous than an unfinished task.

Now read this carefully - Your distractions are really attractions?

The fact is that distractions attract you from your current attractions. You give up what you are attracted to and turn to what you perceive to be more attractive. If you do not feel attracted to and by your spouse in at least the same degree as you were during your courting days or in the early years of marriage, you have a serious distraction problem to deal with. For the sake of your marriage and family, do the right thing to arrest the distraction right away.

The first step is to find out who or what is distracting you from him/her? Could it be that you do not consider your lover to be attractive anymore? Could it be that your heart is simply losing the love you have for him/her? Could it be a hobby that is taking too much of your time and energy? Could it even be your children taking away time from you both? And could it be that a temptation you are facing, which may be fueled by your less than satisfactory relationship with your lover?

All the reasons only help to fuel an unsatisfactory relationship. And so, if you do not arrest this slide right away, there is a great possibility that it will make you spiral down the slippery path of gross dissatisfaction that will eventually lead to separation.

What can you do about this?

Consider that you and your lover are playing a team sport. Let's use tennis as an example - both of you must know that you are not playing the single's game against each other. Instead, be very clear that you are playing as a mixed-double team. You play together on the same side to beat the opponents. You work together on your strategy and game skills together. You cover each others' gaps and blind spots. You encourage and cheer each other on instead of blaming each other for mistakes. You play to win the game as a pair!

Now let's get back to your marital relationship. It is not a tennis game; it is real life and the stake is high. When you and your spouse lose, it will be painful, not just for the two of you, but also for your family, and even friends. But when you win, it is enjoyable and satisfying and you will pass on a great legacy of love to those around you.

So, if you are distracted from your spouse, or you are not attracting your lover as before, you must ask this question; "What is distracting me from my lover?" or "Why am I not attracting my lover like before?"  Find out the reason and address it immediately. Think of the mixed-double tennis game - discuss the weaknesses, work on the skills, derive and establish a strategy to win.

This is a game of faithfulness and fulfillment in each other. You must choose to work on being attractive as well as wanting to be attracted by your lover. Below are some suggestions to move on:

  • Affirm your lover - affirmation does wonders to your lover's self esteem. Every one wants to be around the one who constantly affirms them.
  • Speak well - saying good things about your lover makes him/her feel really good. 
  • Appreciate him/her - a word of thanks goes a long way in building your relationship with your lover, especially if this it is given regularly.
  • Build up his/her emotional account - providing your shoulder to cry on and celebrating your lover's victories build up his/her emotional account. Being an emotional cheerleader and confidante makes one absolutely attractive.
  • Spend time and have fun often as a couple (leaving the children aside for a while is really fine) - make deliberate effort to enjoy each other.
  • Have lots of sex with your lover - fulfill your lover's basic need. Attract him/her to great sexual intimacy, which is the basic essential that crowns a healthy relationship between lovers.

Yes, it does take deliberate effort to make yourself attractive. But the return is richly rewarding. If you are not willing to attract your lover, someone else or something else will!

The bottom line is this - Do all you can to attract each other. Make your lover crave for you. Move on from being just husband and wife, to become lovers for life!

Happy attracting each other.


Your comments and sharing are most welcome. Fuel debate, share your experience and ask questions. Click "Comment" to have you say! You are also encouraged to mark your reaction to my post....


www.criminaljusticewriters.com said...

Thank you, Steven, for such a great post dedicated to the understanding between the lovers. Greg and I haven't got married yet, though your tips are very useful. We are visiting the church and the pastor keeps telling us that marriage is something that is done only in the heaven. What do you think about this?

Steven Chan said...

Hi Samantha

Glad that you find my sharing useful.

I am not sure in what context your pastor was making the comment that marriage is something done only in heaven. However, let me give you my views.

Marriage is indeed God's idea. When He created Adam, He found no suitable helper (or helpmate) for him and so made Eve (out of Adam). That was the first "marriage" in a sense. God commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. This account is found in Genesis 2:18-24. In particular, verse 24 says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Our marriage on earth is really a preparation for the eventual great marriage between Jesus Christ and the Church (that means us). That will happen when Jesus returns a second time to reign over all. This account is found in Revelations 19:6-8.

So indeed, marriage is a heavenly idea. It shows God's desire for a relationship with men. Here on earth, our marriage is also God's idea so that we can experience the deep love and fellowship between two persons who are committed in the marriage.

It is really easy to get married legally. However, it requires handwork to stay married and to love each other in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, and till death. That is why we have to move beyond being just husband and wife, to become lovers for life!

God bless.


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